Introducing BDSM to DH

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Primrose, Sep 29, 2012.

  1. Primrose

    Primrose New Member

    Hi everyone!

    I've been lurking for quite some time, but this if my first time ever posting. My husband and I have been together 4 years, but we've only been married for about 3 months. Before he and I started dating my exBF and I used to practice some light BDSM (simple restraints, blindfolding, spanking), and I'd never felt more fulfilled than when I was his sub. However, that relationship quickly escalated to abuse, I ended it, and met DH a few months later. He knows all about my abusive past and, at the beginning of our relationship, was really amazing at being super sensitive to everything I had gone though/was still going through.

    Anyway, our sex life is pretty vanilla. We bring toys into the bedroom every so often, and we'll get into spanking every once in a while, but I find that sex is much more enjoyable and much more exciting for me (and I think for him) when he's more dominant and forceful in bed. Our relationship is also a lot stronger when he takes the reins and is more dominant outside of the bedroom as well. However, I've been feeling less and less satisfied, and I'm positive that it's because I need to be dominated - it's the only time when I feel truly fulfilled physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually.

    My big dilemma is how to approach my husband with this information. I'd really love for this to not just be a sexual thing for us but expand into our non-sexual life as well. I've toyed with the idea of starting off the conversation by talking about how him being the dominant one and me being the submissive one in our relationship is in line with our religious beliefs and just kind of moving from there, but I'm so overwhelmed and, frankly, terrified of his reaction. In our everyday lives, I'm the loud, opinionated, vivacious one and he's pretty quiet, reserved, and easy-going. However, I've definitely seen him flip the switch to some dominance when we're alone, so I know it's in there - I just need to drag that person out of him!

    I've been doing a lot of research over the past year or so (yea, I've kept this suppressed for over a year), so I feel like I know what I'm talking about at least in the technical sense, and I know what I'd like our relationship to look like. I'm just really afraid of scaring him off, and I don't know if I should start by talking to him about what I need from him or if I should just start behaving in the way that I would as his sub. What makes this extra hard is that he's in the military and stationed overseas. For the next 6 weeks, we'll be apart, and then he'll be home for about a month and will shop off again for another 4-5 months. Rinse and repeat until Spring 2014... :(

    Any resources you can point me to would be greatly appreciated (note: he's not going to read a book and probably wouldn't read anything if I bombard him with materials, so one or two really solid things to show him would be great and then any information I can read and then bring to him in a conversation would be helpful). And if any of you have experience with this kind of thing, I'd really love it if you would share your story.

    Thanks so much, y'all!
     
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  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I'm literally about to go out the door, but if you haven't read the Nice Vanilla Husband post in the FAQ, I'd suggest it.
     
  3. Primrose

    Primrose New Member

    I have but I was hoping for advice that was maybe a little less generalized, especially since my husband doesn't seem completely put off by BDSM.
     
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  4. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Okay, so anyway, sorry about the terrible timing last night.

    You should, as soon as you want, talk to him. That's the kicker. Bring your resources that you've found, but don't bombard him with the papers. Tell him about how much you love BDSM in the bedroom, and you would love to make it a larger, constant part of your life.

    Hopefully he responds well, but either way, explain what that means to you, in case even though he's okay with BDSM, he has some negative opinions of 24/7. Show him things that interest you- like 'doesn't this seem like such a nice dynamic?' with someone's story or blog, and 'I'd really like to try something like this out for us' and of course 'this is something I wouldn't like at all.' It's a way of showing what you like without having to figure out the exact words yourself, and to give him an idea from the outside of what you're looking at, and not just see it as you.

    Also show him the more practical literature- no to read at that time (though if it's how-tos or safety or consent oriented, he should at some point), just to show him that you've been putting research into it- showing that it's not an out-of-nowhere idea, and that you've made sure it's plausible.

    And, as in the NVB post, try to submit to him a bit, not too obviously, more often, just to give him a taste.

    Since he's overseas, you could write a long letter of the things you want to say (or email, etc) and a few attached things, and just an assurance of the research, or a letter saying you want to talk about incorporating it more, but would like to discuss it when you get home, or wait for him to be home again. That's probably the hardest part.

    I imagine someone else will come up with information/help for you too, I'm surprised I'm first.
     
  5. Primrose

    Primrose New Member

    Thanks Smallest!

    I've been compiling my research and such all day. I feel like I'm getting ready to turn in my dissertation or something. I don't think I've ever been so nervous to talk to him about something.
     
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  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    He's probably worried about unintentionally abusing you, so make sure that he understands that BDSM is not abuse. Use safe words and early on, talk out your scene before you play it out, so that he knows you consent to everything. If he's going to be coming and going a lot, maybe you could make serving him domestically a way to welcome him home. "Hi, master! I'm so glad to see you. Sit down. Here's a drink. You can watch the game while I make dinner." That sort of thing. In fact, as I type it, I'm thinking that 50s Household BDSM might be a good option for you--it's less harsh and more about service.
     
  7. Primrose

    Primrose New Member


    Eventually I really want to involve the harsh and rough stuff. Is it hard to transition from 50s to the rougher BDSM?

    The 1950s aspect of things doesn't really turn me on as much as the sexual aspect of things does, so I'll have to see how that feels. I want to build a household and marriage built on sharing of responsibilities, where my opinions and feelings are listened to and validated, but where he has the final say in how things happen and what gets done, if that makes any sense.

    ETA: In short, traditional gender roles don't really work for us, and I think with me working, going to grad school full time, and having to take care of all of the household "wifely" duties, I'm going to be way too burned out to do anything.
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2012
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  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Well, 50s is, from what I know of it (which, as a gay man, isn't much), more of a style than its own category. What I mean is that the dom/father can be very rough, but he doesn't keep the sub/wife naked and chained, as a master might with a slave. And you probably have at least a vague image of what 50s household looks like from Leave It to Beaver and other shows like that. That makes it easier to visualize how dom and sub interact on the surface.
     
  9. Primrose

    Primrose New Member

    Gotcha, thanks!

    Also, an update - we just spoke, and he seemed really really receptive to the idea. I'm so relieved, and pretty damn excited! :) He even said that we'll need to go shopping when he gets back :D

    Thanks for everyone's advice. I'll keep you updated on what kind of turn this takes, and I'm sure I'll have a billion more questions as this continues.
     
  10. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Let us know when you've talked more! We love being updated!
     

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