Ethics of the Consent of Others

frightfully · Jul 23, 2011

I am currently playing with a new dom, and our interests and limits mainly seem to align, with one major exception. He has on more than one occasion asked me to do things that I feel would involve others in our sex play, and without their consent.

i.e. he asked me 'if I would' walk naked through the apartment he lives in, when his female flatmate was at home. On another occasion he asked me to have sex with another guy and secretly film it for him.

I don't have a problem with playing with others, I just like to know that others are interested first! I would have no problem being humiliated in front of his flatmate if I knew she had agreed to it, or making sex films with a guy as long as he knew what was going to happen with the video.

Am I being oversensitive here? He says in the first case he was just asking to see how much I would obey him and wouldn't have actually made me to do it. In the second case he thinks I'm just trying to find excuses not to do it (because finding a guy who agrees to the video bit will be more difficult than just finding someone who agrees to sleep with me).

Any thoughts? Advice?

sebastian · Jul 23, 2011

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. The essence of BDSM is consensual play. Involving third parties who have not given their consent is inappropriate. To be involved in the humiliation of someone else against your will (for example, like being forced to watch someone walk nude through a room) may be very disturbing to a person for moral or religious reasons. It might make them feel violated, angry, embarrassed, disgusted, or a variety of other emotions. And being secret video-taped may very well be a criminal offense, depending on the details. Your dom has the right to demand things of you, but he has no right to demand things of other people. My advice would be to have a serious conversation about the ethics of BDSM with your dom and explain that it's not just you. Most serious players that I've discussed this with (and, I have to admit, the number isn't huge), seem to agree on this issue.

Smallest · Jul 23, 2011

I agree with Sebastian. It might do you well to find out about the laws where you live regarding filming someone without consent, though many laws only matter if you broadcast it. Even if laws don't cover it, that's a terrible thing to do without consent. Likewise, with the walking naked thing, you could make her just confused, or you could make her bring up a lawsuit fr sexual harassment.

Knots · Jul 23, 2011

No, it is not just you. It is entirely unfair to involve third parties in such manners without their consent. I agree wholeheartedly with first reply.

frightfully · Jul 26, 2011

Thanks for the replies. Tried to talk to him about it, he just replied that the filming didn't have to be secret, just the fact that he was getting a copy.

Think he just doesn't really get what the problem is, which doesn't bode well for the future of our relationship. *sigh*

Ethics of the Consent of Others

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