New here, sex issues in marriage..

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Betweenthebars, Sep 24, 2011.

  1. Betweenthebars

    Betweenthebars New Member

    Hi all... I'm new here, I'm generally anxious about posting things like this, but things aren't going to get better if I don't figure this out. Some background:I'm 21, been married for 13 months, and these sexual issues started after marriage.

    My husband goes through spurts of varying sex drives. Ex. Six months have sex twice a day, then six months sex twice a month. He's been like this his whole life. Sadly, I want sex ALL the time. In the beginning, he was ectastic about finding me. I'm his ideal type: half Persian, short, hour-glass curvy, giant hips, ass and tits. on top of this, I delight in being submissive. We sometimes would still have vanilla sex, but other than that I loved to be choked, slapped, whipped, teased. I'm the first woman who let him experience this, and it was a match made in heaven.

    For some reason, our kink sex slowed down, and then became non existent. I'm no longer getting the sex I crave, and having an itch he won't scratch is becoming almost physically uncomfortable for me. I miss it SO much. When we talk about it, he says he misses it too, he will change, etc. But nothing ever changes. I love my husband dearly, but I'm getting to the point I want a man to dominate me, and then I also want my husband for everything else.

    Thinking that way makes me feel horribly guilty. I'm not quite sure how to get back on track to our original, amazing sex life. And I'm not even sure why it changed, he always says I don't know.

    Does anyone else have experience with this? Any insight or suggestions?

    I'm brand new here, I feel stupid for introducing myself and immediately complaining. I guess I'm just a bit lost.

    Sorry for the novel!
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  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Don't feel stupid for coming here and asking advice right away. Lots of people do, though it would be nice if you were among the few who stayed after your questions were answered.

    Well, there are all sorts of things to try, but it is good you're still happy being with him other ways. Obviously though, you do have to evaluate whether or not it's still worth it to you- you haven't been married long and this is already a problem.

    What have you two done or considered so far? Have you considered couples therapy?

    I wasn't entirely sure if 'not getting the sex [you] crave' referred only to the fact that it was vanilla, or that it's not enough. This is more towards not enough.
    So, first off- if you can't have sex together often enough because of his drive, obviously getting some good toys (if you haven't, you probably have though) is a good idea, to use together or alone. Is there a reason he won't have kinky sex with you anymore?
    If it's not an issue to do with the kink itself, I'd suggest that while you play alone, or even non-sexually, you ask for him to dominate you. I can't see why he wouldn't oblige, since it would be bringing back a past element of your relationship and making you happy.

    Discuss with him, if you want to, the possibility of you finding another sexual partner or again, a less sexual dom. He knows he's not meeting your needs, and it's not cheating to play with someone else with his consent. It would probably also help take some of the strain off your marriage, with him still being able to have you, but not worrying about fulfilling your sometimes demanding needs. If he's positive, you might want to let him help you find a partner, and of course make sure whoever it is is clean.

    Try scheduling sex and kink. It's unromantic, but it makes it harder for either of you to just let it slip by. Decide that on sunday evenings (or whenever works, more or less often, whatever, maybe alternating vanilla with kink) you'll have kinky sex. Set out all the toys you might use so they're accessible where you're playing, and encourage him to keep going. It's also supposed to be good for your hormones to have regular sex, so it might make you feel a bit less deprived if you start up a schedule.

    I've probably missed some important things, but I'll try to think more. It would be good to hear a bit more background though.
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2011
  3. Betweenthebars

    Betweenthebars New Member

    I really appreciate your response! And I plan on sticking around for awhile, everyone I know is so closed minded and think BDSM is abuse, so I have no outlet, no where to go. I just moved back home to Seattle, so I also don't know where to go to meet others in this community.

    I meant when I do get sex, it's only vanilla. I get none of the kink I crave.

    It is less romantic, yes, but I'm definitely going to have to 'schedule' kink sex. I think during our wedding and after there was a lot of stress, so when we had sex it was quick and kink free. Then that just got my husband in a long term, kink free rut.

    I forgot to mention, I think one issue is he may be secretly submissive, just like me. All his porn is women dominating men, whereas all my porn is women being chained and whipped! I think he enjoyed dominating me, as he put it he 'cums harder', but that he's also curious about femdom. I'm the most submissive, love-to-be-controlled girl there is, so I don't think I could ever switch roles.

    By the way, this is all speculation on my part.he could just like watching femdom, but enjoy dominating women in actual, real life. I'm not sure, he's very quiet and won't say much when I bring up any sexual topics.

    I think if even after scheduling kink nights, if things don't change, I will be forced to bring up the topic of me getting a dom, even if the limits he places are low sexual contact. I hope there are men out there that would agree to such terms!

    I've also thought maybe meeting other femsubs and being able to communicate with them might make me feel better, sharing and talking, but I guess I don't know how to meet anyone here.

    Oh, and to address your question as to what we've done to sort this out, not much. He shuts down when I bring up sex, especially kink sex. I try to approach it gently, but maybe I'm not doing a good job.

    I'm also afraid of couples therapy, because I feel as though most therapists will have an issue with what I'm trying to get out of him sexually (I'm sure a few of them would call it abuse).
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 24, 2011
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  4. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I don't have a link, but there is a list of kink-aware doctors and therapists online somewhere. But even if not, you could bring it to them simply as that you're not getting sex the way you need it, to whatever therapist.

    What you really need, and what the therapist would be a start for, is to talk with him. I know you said he shuts down when you bring things up, but it's best for both of you to. Tell him that it's really important to you, and that you'd rather talk about everything openly than worry about it causing grief for both of you later. If he still stays shut up, it's a problem.

    If he's submissive (or maybe a switch, since he also likes domming you sometimes, or did), that's for one something you need to convince him to tell you along with everything else, and for another might help you find more ways to be compatible (or perhaps find a dom who'll work with both of you?)
    You do need to keep positive with him, of course, telling him that of course he's goo in bed, but you want different things, and you really miss that aspect, and so on. You're not going to get anywhere without convincing him to talk, and you should probably let him know his reluctance isn't helping.

    You might try fetlife or something for meeting other subs in your area, I'm not sure how it would work out (I haven't tried it, but it's popular).

    I'm in the same timezone as you, also, so if you really want to talk to someone about, you can message me your IM or something, and I can probably chat.
    (Or you could come on the chat room here, but there's hardly ever people there. I'm there now, and no one's been there since at least six))
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Btb, welcome! As smallest says, don't feel bad about coming here. You're definitely not alone.

    First off, has your husband been evaluated by a doctor? Sudden loss of sex drive might be a sign of a medical condition. It can also be a sign of depression, so he might consider a consultation with a therapist.

    It does sound like your husband has some submissive tendencies. Perhaps you might try domming him for a change of pace and seeing how he enjoys it. It's possible that he's feeling ashamed of his submissive desires and that's putting a damper on his sex drive.
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  6. This is a fascinating and frustrating situation to say the least! I think that it has been covered pretty heavily about seeking therapy or psychological counseling as a couple to work past any issues that are hindering your much needed sex life. Another idea to give some thought to, and more discussion with your husband, would be even in the same category Sebastian covered, which is a change of pace. Knowing both you and your husband have submissive tendencies, perhaps seeking a third alternative and addition to your need, being finding that Dominant that can fill yours and his need, while maintaining the sexual exclusiveness between you and your spouse. Not always is it sexual in nature in being dominated, but can be led that way and encouraged between you and your spouse. The dominant partner does nto have to become sexually involved.
  7. Betweenthebars

    Betweenthebars New Member

    First off, I'm thrilled there are such helpful and kind people here, it makes me a lot less anxious.

    After my last post, I decided to try talking to my husband again... After I got into a tight black corset and thigh highs. Haha, I hoped that little touch would help the conversation along ;) he said he wanted to get "back on track" as well with our sex life. Then he threw me on the bed, and we had semi rough sex. Definitely not as intense as before, but it felt good to be slapped and get my hair pulled. So... I'm hoping we keep making progress, even if it's baby steps.

    I'm still very intrigued about getting a third party involved and possibly explore his submissive side, but... This was the first time he actually talked to me about kink sex in a good while, so I didn't want to overload him the second he opened up. Like I said, baby steps, and then who knows all the possibilities ;)

    I was also thinking that maybe with more control 24/7, it would be easier to step into a dominant role in bed with me. I'm going to a sex shop tomorrow that's going to be closed for a few hours to host a private party (BDSM themed, luckily enough). I asked him what sort of things he would like for me to bring home, and I got the normal "whatever you want," response. I explained to him how sexy it would be and how happy it would make me if he took control, was decisive, and firm when talking to me. He was slightly better after I said all that... But is that a decent idea, at least? Giving him more control every day?
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2011
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  8. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I think you're taking the right approach to it, and I'm glad he's willing to get back on track.

    Wait until you're either moving together toward more kink, or you're sure you'll want someone to fill your (or both of your) needs before asking him, because it would just be harder for both of you if he took it as you wanting to see other people in a not-good way.

    Baby-steps, it sounds like you're going to make some progress.
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    It's amazing what communication can do, isn't it? I'm glad things are a little better.

    I'd suggest not exploring 24/7 until you feel like you've got some of the basics back in place. 24/7 requires a lot of work on the dom and sub's part, and if other things aren't going well, 24/7 will cause more problems than it will solve.
  10. Betweenthebars

    Betweenthebars New Member

    I think I worded it wrong! I didn't mean 24/7 full control, I meant more... In every day life try to get him to be a bit more demanding, assertive. Try to get him used to saying "do this" instead of "do what you like".

    And yes, it's great what communicating can do =) he just asked me what I was writing about, and I'm bit hesitant to let him read this thread... I've brought up these concerns with him, yeah, but I don't want him to get the impression he's awful in bed or anything.

    Today has been even more of an improvement, hes been biting and grabbing and slapping, so I'm thrilled we're on our way again.

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