Coming out of my shell?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by NewbieDave, Aug 5, 2010.

  1. NewbieDave

    NewbieDave New Member

    I think this would be the place to post, Couldn't see anywhere else...

    Hey Guys/Girls, I'm Dave and looking for some advice/help on starting to enjoy BDSM with others, and revealing to others that its what I like/Enjoy :)

    So here's my story:
    I'm recently turned 18 but I have enjoyed simple BDSM since, well since puberty to be honest...
    But unlike other boys at that age I never enjoyed watching the usual porn, I always thought it was boring and scripted... I have always liked watching movies/videos of Bondage and other fetish's.. eg. and their range of websites.. e.g.. Men in Pain and Divine Bitches

    I have always kept it a very deep secret, I have never told anyone.. Especially friends because I didn't want to lose friends because they thought I was weird :confused:

    Now turned 18... I want to explore more, learn more. I've always preferred the idea of being playing the submissive role rather than dominative.
    I know there are quite a few Mistress' in the Glasgow area in Scotland which is only about 35 miles from me...

    The problem is that I don't really have any experience with other people nor have I done that much other than basic things myself either..
    Would there be some kind of basic, start from the beginning training that a Mistress would offer?
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2010
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  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    its hard to know what the mistress would train you in, because its hard to know what sort of sub you want to be.

    My advice, find a good mistress and figure out what your interests are.
  3. NewbieDave

    NewbieDave New Member

    Yeh, Just need to save a bit of money and some free time :)

    The only main areas I have really tried are like,
    Bondage|Rope play that's restrictive but escapable... CBT, Anal Play, Hot Wax, Clamps, Gags..

    Moderately simple things I could do with household items, without needing to buy anything..
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    So there are essentially four areas of d/s play, and it will help you to figure out which ones you think you're interested in, so you can talk to a prospective mistress about what you'd like. Control involves the mistress giving your commands you have to obey: she will probably demand specific sexual services from you without necessarily reciprocating, or she may require non-sexual domestic service, like house cleaning. Bondage involves tying you up with ropes, chains, straps, cuffs, blindfolds, and other more elaborate means. Pain play involves her inflicting erotic pain with her hands, crops, floggers, whips, tit clamps, clothespins, hot wax, electro, pinwheels, and so on. Verbal abuse and humiliation involves her insulting you, making fun of you, forcing you to wear degrading clothing, to let her piss on you, to let her friends watch her abuse you, and more. Each one of these has a wide spectrum of activities, and what I've mentioned is just some of the more common things. So think about the things that turn you on, either in that list or in the videos you've seen, or in the fantasies you've come up with in your head.

    Enjoying one facet of d/s play doesn't mean you will necessarily enjoy any of the others. You might like bondage but not pain play, or you may find that you like extreme humiliation and therefore you enjoy bondage when it's coupled with humiliation but not all by itself. You don't need to figure out everything; just have an idea of some of the things you'd like to discover.

    Make contact with the d/s community in Glasgow and explain to whomever you've met that you're very new and would like to meet a mistress who has a good reputation and would be willing to train a newbie with no real experience. Ask around and get some names of women who have a reputation of being skilled and safe. This is important. You don't want to offer yourself to just anyone. Make sure that you approach someone who is considered to know what she is doing and to know how to it safely.

    When approaching a new dom, be extremely polite and deferential. Explain that you're inexperienced and that you are hoping that she would be willing to take the time to train you. If she says no, simply thank her for having considered you. Don't badger her; she is entirely within her rights to turn you down. You might ask her if she has a friend who might take you on. Eventually, you'll find a mistress who will accept your submission.

    A few things to look for in a mistress: she ought to ask you what you're interested in and what activities you are and are not willing to do. She ought to agree to respect any hard limits you wish to set (so if you tell her that you absolutely do not want to be pissed on, she ought to respect that limit). Before you play, she ought to tell you the safe words that she wants you to use. If she doesn't mention them, ask her what safe words she uses. If she doesn't question you about your limits, or she doesn't give you safe words, or tells you she doesn't use them, don't play with her. She is either too advanced for you at the moment or she's not playing safely. Even though you will be serving her pleasure, you have a right to enjoy the experience as well, so you want to see signs that she is paying attention to what will arouse and please you. So if she seems disinterested in what turns you on, you probably don't want to play with her (although this is tricky; many doms want to project the image that they don't give a damn about their sub's pleasure, because subs often find that arousing, when in fact they care a good deal about the sub's pleasure). And again, look for a mistress who has a reputation as a skilled and safe practitioner. In this community, reputation is important. Listen to what people say about your prospective mistress and take it seriously (although there is always room in this community for jealousy and bad blood).

    Ultimately, even though the dom is in charge, remember that your consent is fundamental. Particularly when you are getting started, you have a right to stop play at any time if you start getting scared or overwhelmed or if what she is doing becomes physically or emotionally unpleasant. That's why safe words are so important--they let you stop the scene and communicate your discomfort to the dom. Any dom who will not respect her sub's wishes to stop is not a dom you should play with.

    Insist on meeting the dom in a public place before you play. If she seems creepy or unsafe, don't play with her. Do not go to her place or your place to play without telling someone you trust where you will be and who you will be with. If she won't give you her actual first and last name and a phone number, she is probably not someone you want to play with. Make sure she knows that someone else knows you're with her. These are basic safety precautions that you need to use the first couple times you play with her, until you've learned that she is safe and sane and respects your needs and wishes.

    I'm sure that others on the forum will have their own ideas of what you want to look for, and they can probably suggest other strategies for finding a play partner. Good luck!
  5. NewbieDave

    NewbieDave New Member

    wow very helpful post 'sebastian', Thank you

    From the main area's you described, I knew the basic area and some things that each would be covered within that area..
    From what I had said in my last post. There is at least one from 3 of the 4 areas plus Humiliation I have always liked the idea but its not something that really works when you do it alone. So its never been something that I have done.. But definitely something I would enjoy.
    I do like pain and I would say I had a reasonable amount of pain tolerance, but I think it could be higher if it was someone else conflicting pain..

    I had been reading a few reviews and comments on different Mistress' in the Glasgow area. I think once I could afford and be ready/willing to visit a Mistress I will contact a few stating my limited experience and if they would be willing to teach/train me.. Finding my different likes, dislikes and how far I would be willing to go on each area.

    I think you would have heard this saying before but I would be willing to try almost anything once.. As I think its the best way to find what turns me on and what doesn't..
    Which could also help me finding out more about what each area contains. I do have a reasonable understanding of the basic, main things that in contained within each area but most likely there is A LOT more than I know since it wasn't an easy thing to research/find out about on a shared family PC..

    I had also been looking for a forum that is mainly aimed towards male subs and mistress' but having no real luck, I found '' had a sub-forum for femdom but seems to not be used much.

    Thank You again for the help,
    Everything is well appreciated
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  6. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

    lol sebastian sometimes I wonder if you've just learned to copy/paste your "4 areas" schpeal XD
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Lol. Actually that was a new variation on it. Yeah, I know it's getting repetitious, but I think it's useful for newbies to hear.
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  8. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    Nice post Seb as huge as always :D
    Nothing to add..
  9. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    Good insights..... (as usual)

    Welcome to the forum.

    Keep us in the loop on your journey.
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  10. NewbieDave

    NewbieDave New Member

    After a nice chat with a friend from Canada, She tells me that she likes to be able switch the roles once in a while with a partner. Not so much BDSM orientated but just that she likes to be able to take control in the bedroom rather than the male being the person 'doing all the work'..

    I'm not a virgin when it comes to 'normal' sexual contact and have played both roles but nothing that involved BDSM... In my mind I would be the submissive one.. But because I have never really done anything towards BDSM with a girlfriend so I'm not entirely sure that it would be something that I wouldn't want to try/do..
    I'm thinking that willing to switch and explore both roles would be a plus when coming to find a partner into the same 'things' as me..

    Anyone provide their views towards switching and basically getting used to being both Submissive and Dominant?

  11. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

    Maybe you should see if there are any munches (informal meet, mingle, snack,drink for bdsm minded folks) in Glasgow. Fetlife should have something posted under events for that area, if there is anything.
  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    My personal opinion is that most doms have a little bit of sub in them, and many subs have a little bit of dom in them (though not most). In order to be a really good dom, it's important to get at least a little experience as a sub, in order to understand what a sub thinks and feels and needs. It's less important for a sub to try domming, but it's still helpful I think. So go ahead and give it a try, if it feels right.
  13. master jey

    master jey Moderator

    I agree with you Seb I'm switch myself so I'd say try both roles you're still a newbie you aren't oriented yet so you might like domming more than subbing try them both and choose what you like more
    it's easy for a switch to find partners you can have them both one dom and one sub and from my point of view switching newer gets boring you don't have to stick to one role all the time :)

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