Need Help Adjusting To a Long Awaited Switch

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by SilenceMyPet, Feb 7, 2010.

  1. SilenceMyPet

    SilenceMyPet New Member


    My fiance and I have been together for quite some time. When our relationship started out he was completely vanilla. With some time and work he has come to love BDSM. For over a year of our relationship he insisted on being the Dominant and because I'm a switch and don't mind being tied up I allowed him to try it. However, I would always top from the bottom.

    Recently, a switch has happened and he has decided that he wants to full-out be my slave. Thus far he is doing really good. He does everything I tell him to and he tries very hard to make me happy. Having wanted him to do this for over a year you'd think I'd be happy and filled with ideas and while I am happy... I'm a little short on the ideas. He is no pain slut which is where my talent lies. He does enjoy pain a little but is having to be worked into it slowly... which I am doing. I just find doing the same thing over and over boring so I need some new ideas that he might like. All of this is so new and confusing to him because all his life and this relationship he has fought liking what he now finds that he does like.

    Since pain is very restricted, what else can I make him do? What are some basic rules some of you other Doms/subs have/follow? I would love some ideas of games that he and I can play as well. Any and all help would be appreciated!

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  2. GreyMac

    GreyMac Member

    Men tend to like the humiliation aspects of submissiveness more than women do. Boots licking servitude is better than whipping for most, at least at first. Give him a couple of demeaning chores, like cleaning the bathroom in a French maid outfit or equivalent, to do before he gets a scene or any gratification, just to see how he reacts. Sebastian is well-versed in techniques for dominating a male submissive and when he spots this post, I'm sure he'll be able to share some excellent and more specific advice for you.
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2010
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Does he like verbal abuse and humiliation? There's a whole world of fun in those two. You can insult him, call him names, and ridicule him for being submissive. You can build role-play sessions around forcing him to be the opposite of what he normally is. For example, I played with a guy who's rather aggressive socially, so we played out a scene in which he tried to intimidate me into doing something, only to have me turn the tables and blackmail him into submitting to me. Then I forced him to strip down, taunted him for being so submissive, and forced him to do puppy play for a while. No pain involved at all, but a lot of submission and humiliation. Taunting him for liking what he likes can be pretty hot. Forced feminization works the same way, although it leaves me cold.

    I also like forcing my subs to say things like "I'm a pussyboy" and then taunting them for admitting it. 'Yeah, of course you are. Feels really good to finally admit it to someone, doesn't it? It's a lot of work pretending to be a man, isn't it?" That sort of thing.
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  4. SilenceMyPet

    SilenceMyPet New Member

    Thank you Grey! We have actually sort of tried what you mentioned. When we first saw something about it we both laughed at it... but when I put my foot up for him to massage he began kissing and sucking on it. Turns out both of us enjoyed that. It gave me the idea that he is into worshiping me slightly but I'm not sure about to many things as far as that goes. :)

    Sebastian, we are working on that. I made him go into the adult book store here and gave him the option of specifically telling the clerk that he was buying a collar for his mistress or to buy the collar and put it on before leaving the store and walk to me wearing it. He chose putting the collar on and when I asked him why he told me because he felt it would be more humiliating. After he had returned to me wearing the (pink) collar he informed me that he not only had put it on before leaving the store but had specified to the clerk that it was for his mistress and he was doing it because she had told him to. He wasn't to sure but is thinking he does enjoy slight humiliation. I'm working on name calling as well. Because he is so knew to all of these feelings he has a hard time telling me what he does and doesn't enjoy and I am having a hard time telling. I am also doing the forced feminization as he isn't allowed to wear boxers but girl boy-shorts. I even made him pick them out himself in wal-mart. He claims they are comfortable and doesn't mind wearing them at all. I don't think I've tried any taunting though... I think I will and then perhaps post about how it went!

    Thank you guys!
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    A variation on buying a collar at the adult book store is ordering him to go to a pet store. Make him try on a collar all the way (buckling it to make sure it fits). Or order him to wear the collar to the store and buy a leash for it (again, trying it on to make sure it fits with the collar). Making him do it in a mundane space like a pet store is more humiliating than an adult books store, where the atmosphere is sexually charged already. He'll get more stares in the pet store.

    Some guys have trouble recognizing what turns them on. I don't understand how that's possible, but I've run into it enough to know that it's an issue. So watch him closely. Does he start getting hard when you do something? Does his cock twitch or start producing precum? Does his breathing change or does he suddenly perk up? Does he obey or respond quickly? Any of those are good signs that he likes what you're doing even if he's not conscious of it. Another strategy would be to do some guided fantasizing. Ask him to give you a setting or a situation that arouses him, and then start to tell him a story about that situation in which he is the star. Periodically ask him for feedback. "You walk down the dark hallway and you get to the closed door. You can hear sounds coming from the other side that excite you. What are you hearing?" Stroke him slowly as you do so to help stimulate his arousal. You'll start getting interesting stuff from him.

    Another tactic for humiliation is to put him in a humiliating position (naked and tied to the bed, crouching and licking your boot) and then take a picture of him. You can simply show it to him later, or you can threaten to send it to a friend or post it somewhere on the internet. However, if you do this, be extremely careful. Once a pic is out on the internet, it will live there forever and cannot be deleted. So only post a pic that you know won't come back to haunt him--either make it something he's willing to have strangers see or make sure that his face can't be clearly seen. If you send it to a friend, be certain that the friend won't pass it on without permission. My sub Alex craves the humiliation of having pictures of him out on the internet without knowing where, but he's pretty extreme in that.

    Another fun game is to take a black magic market and write on his body. You might scrawl "Whore" or "Pussyboy" on his chest or "fuck me" on his ass or "small dick" on his belly (with an arrow pointing to the appropriate body part) and then forbid him to actively try and wash it off. Every time he looks in the mirror he'll see it and feel humiliated. You might write it backwards to that he'll read it the right way in the mirror. But do it somewhere that his clothes will cover it up, unless he really wants the embarrassment of explaining why he has "cum dump" written on his forehead.

    Shaving is another good trick. A lot of guys find their body hair a subtle symbol of masculinity (since shaving/waxing is associated much more with woman and gay men). You might require him to shave his whole body, or maybe just his groin, or you might do it for him. Since he doesn't like pain, you probably want to avoid making him get a Brazilian unless you really want to punish him for something. When he's shaved, run your hand over it and tell him how it's just like a girl's body or a baby's butt. Tell him it makes him 'pretty' or 'dainty' or it makes him look like a gayboy or a faggot. Straight men generally (so far as I have seen) have fairly visceral reactions to being described with words that normally refer to women or gays.

    And don't hesitate to use vulgar, non-PC language, terms you would never use in general conversation. Vulgarities carry a very raw power than PC terms never will. It's thrilling to say them, and demeaning to hear them applied to you. And using a vulgar term like 'cunt' or 'faggot' doesn't mean that you're sexist or homophobic or whatever. Their power comes precisely from the fact that you wouldn't use those terms in other situations.
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  6. SilenceMyPet

    SilenceMyPet New Member

    Wow, that was all very helpful. Thank you! I tried some of your earlier suggestions tonight actually and am finding that he enjoys them. He really seems to respond to humiliation. Pain... a little but not as much. I'm finding that it is something he wants to work into but fears and until he stops fearing it ... well, it will hurt more than it actually does. Tonight I repeated myself a lot, had him repeat me, called him names... made him pick a few names himself and then had him tell me which he found more embarrassing.

    I really like your petstore idea. That is a good one. He has told me a fear he has of public and requested I go slow which I don't mind doing for the reason that he is so new. Do you think that would be to much to soon or should I go ahead and give it a try?
  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Well, there's no right answer other than his needs and your needs. If he's a little hesitant, I'd say go slower and let him get used to things. Keep it private until he's more accustomed to it and then do something more public or something private that threatens to become public (like writing on his body or sending a photo of him to a trusted friend). Before you actually do anything public, you might just threaten to do something public ("you know, maybe tomorrow I'll send that picture to my friends") and see how he reacts. Once he starts getting used to that threat and doesn't react as much, then actually do it.

    Look for ways to keep him off-guard, so that he doesn't know what you might do next. If he gets used to what you require of him, he'll start getting comfortable and his reactions will be less intense. My sub is interested in piss drinking, but it makes him anxious too--I haven't done that yet. I'm planning on taking a bathroom break when we play and then coming back with a glass of water and asking him if he's thirsty (he'll be blindfolded, so he won't know what's in the glass).

    Another way to humiliate a man is to play off the idea that men are sexually potent and that your sub doesn't measure up to the mythical 'Real Man'. After he jacks off, demand that he cum a second time within ten minutes; a Real Man could do that. If he manages it, demand he do it a third time. Tell him that if he can't do it, you won't allow him to cum for the rest of the month. Or demand that he fuck you after he's just cum. One of the basic conceits of d/s play is the dom's sexual desires are all that matters, and we're all sexually insatiable. So demand that he satisfy you sexually at unreasonable times (like just after he's already done it or just after he's gotten home from work, or several times in one night). And of course he never manages to do a good job; he's "acceptable" or "needs to do better next time".

    So what did you try and how did he react? If you want, you can even tell him that you've been sharing his progress with other doms (and we can be impressed or unimpressed as you see fit).
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  8. SilenceMyPet

    SilenceMyPet New Member

    I really like the piss idea. That's a good one!

    I've tried the cumming thing... and he can't do it. I'm a little weary of saying things to him about him being a man because he is so un-confident in himself due to the way his mother raised him. There are several lines I have to be careful when around because I don't want ot actually hurt him.

    He did give me some feedback today and is open to everything including a threesome with another guy that he used to not be okay with. The idea of it now turns him on. Tonight I worked more on anal and pain. His nipples are able to take a little more as well as his ass in both areas such as spanking and butt plug. He did fifteen minutes tonight with several of those minutes being fucked. So I am proud of him. He is trying very hard for me. I have him call himself names as well as beg. I command him to not talk at all. Those were a couple new things tonight.

    The thing he enjoys the most would be kissing and sucking on my feet but neither he nor I understand the full reason as to why that would turn him on so much. Any ideas?
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    The piss thing is just an example of mindfucking--tricking the sub into thinking something is happening or might happen when something else is actually happening. A lot of subs like it when they are tricked. I read an account a while ago of a sub whose master told him that he was going to brand the sub. He staged a whole ceremony, with an audience, and showed the sub the branding iron as it was being heated to red hot. Then he used a non-heated iron on the sub's butt at the same time that someone else used the hot iron on a piece of steak. The sub screamed and passed out when the cold iron touched him.

    If you don't want to ridicule his manhood, try the opposite. Order him to fuck you but forbid him to cum. Stroke him vigorously but tell him you'll punish him if he cums.

    Overall it sounds like you and he and proceeding well. Just keep exploring at whatever pace feels right for you, and make sure that you keep asking him for feedback. And don't forget your own interests. It's important to explore the sub's needs, but explore yours as well. You're putting a lot of work into finding things that will excite him, so it's not unreasonable that you do things that excite you even if they don't excite him too much.

    As for the foot thing, sounds like he's discovering a foot fetish. Many fetishes don't make conscious sense or have a clearly identifiable 'reason'. His fetish may stem from something lost in the mists of childhood or something that happened when he was just discovering sex. For example, I saw a tv show with a male stripper just as I started discovering guys and sex, and to this day, a really good stripper turns my crank something fierce. Foot fetishists are often slightly ashamed of their fetish, so try taunting him for liking your feet. Playing with a foot fetishist is a good way to get a foot massage or a shoe shine, so demand one from him.
  10. WmaGuy

    WmaGuy Member

    It's difficult to follow sebastian's advice, so I will not even try - just excellent.

    I think you are on the right track. I have very little experience as a sub, but do know that "baby steps" are sometimes called for. I have had subs for whom just being tied was a gigantic step - while others had limits off the bat that even surprised me. I think sebastian's advice about making sure your needs are met is also sound. Spend a few days making him satisfy you in every way, shape and form - sexual and non-sexual. Refuse however, to give him the same satisfaction - use him as your own sex toy and servant to all your needs - use him period. I had a girlfriend a few moons ago who loved this - for days on end. She would cater to my every need, whim and desire - from personal hygiene - bathing, toilet service, dressing me - even shaving my face and brushing my teeth, to meals, housework, my sexual whim and beyond. She even walked out in the snow wearing nothing but her heels, bodystocking, cuffs, collar and harness to start, warm and clean off my car. Days later, when I finally allowed her to orgasm, it was like uncorking a bomb.... ;)

    Good luck with your adventure!
  11. SilenceMyPet

    SilenceMyPet New Member

    Thank you for the advice!

    And what an interesting story. Thank you for sharing.

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