starting down the path

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Dom riff, Mar 6, 2010.

  1. Dom riff

    Dom riff New Member

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    Hello all my name is riff,
    A while ago I got married to a wonderful woman, and we have since had a baby. Sex has always been great but of course it goes through ups and down of frequency. We've played around a bit with toys and handcuffs but recently I realized just how much she likes it. I've always enjoyed it but have always been restrained because I though she was probably doing it because I liked it. She also has always wanted to give me hickeys, and loved it when I gave them to her. There were times where she has wrestled me pretty hard to give me one and slowly I would increase the level of defense I used from holding her back to pushing more to restraining her. I'm now starting to think she tries so hard to get to being restrained. I've started reading through stories and forums more and this seems to be the most active form I can find.

    I have been reading a lot to get more ideas on how to procede. We are not at the beginning stages but I don't know how far she wants to go. She is VERY reluctant to talk about what she likes in bed unless I get her really turned on and even then its basic yes and no answers. I did tell her I was going to start pushing things farther and to let me know if we go too far so I plan to slowly push ahead and not stop till she says something.

    Currently we have a CA king size bed with a full frame that has mirrors about 5 ft above the bed which she picked out. I've hidden eyelets around the bed and we have a few long straps I use to tie her up, a few pairs of wrist/ankle cuff restraints, and a small assortment of toys. I have been reading through a lot of your posts about restraint on a budget and toys for beginners and am starting a list of things to pick up. We have a Vegas vacation planned for the end of the month and I hope to do a lot by then and come up with some real plans for the week end.

    I love that the farther out of the mainstream we get the more tolerant we are of each other. I'd love to hear any advice from anyone about things to do or toys to buy or anything. This has turned into quite a post but it's nice to put it all out there. I look forward to hearing from every one in all posts.
  2. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

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    I can kind of understand where you are coming from Riff. I am sort of finding myself on the oposite end of the same boat. Although I might not be much help I can only reiterate what I have I have read here. And give you my thoughts and ideas.

    Communication. You two have to communicate. I think I understand where your wife can be coming from. Perhaps she is shy? Doesn't talk about sex a lot? But in her mind she knows what she likes, and what she would like to have done. But perhaps for her to confess such things is difficult for her? I can relate to this. The best way I can explain is ..... I personally, find it difficult to verbally talk about sex. It is like there is this filter between my mouth and mind when it comes to sex. However that filter doesn't exist between my mind and fingers (keyboard/writing). So perhaps you could talk her into writing down or typing up what her thoughts are? Just an idea.

    Another idea to get her talking is for both of you to go into a toy store and discuss what you both want. Or if talking is still a problem, pay close attention to her facial expressions and what she picks up and examins. :D

    Always make it a point to talk afterwards. I would suggest immediately since she might already be in a submissive frame of mind, and you might be able to pull more information out of her that way. Ask how this felt, or that, if she wanted more or less...and tell her yes and no answers are not optional.

    I'm sure I'm not going to explain this well, but I hope you understand. As a last (fun) resort to getting her to talk, perhaps during sex and you have her tied down bring her to the edge of what she wants and tell her she is going to have to start talking or she isn't going to get what she wants. If she wants to come bad enough. She'll talk. Hopefully.

    Perhaps you could use safewords to help figure out what your wife likes? I read somewhere on here about several words. I think it was green meant good; yellow, caution; red, stop; and orange, uncomftorable or unsure. I would suggest usinge those while you push things. Don't just have her know them. Make her use them. Ask her A LOT what color she is at.

    As for toys. I also have a small collection. But there is one I have read some great reviews about and I am eager to add it to my collection. Smart Balls. by FunFactory. I'm not sure how much this toy could help you, but I'm about as giddy as a can be to find and try them out. :D I just hope I'm not disapointed.
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2010
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    I would second Ceilidh's suggestions. Communication is really important. Subs sometimes want their doms to be almost psychic--knowing what the sub wants without the sub having to say it. You and she might get to that point eventually, but starting there is a recipe for frustration--she's going to feel unsatisfied and you're going to be feel like a failure. So you need to express to her the importance of explaining what turns her on. Ceilidh's got a lot of suggestions for ways she can communicate, but it's not fair to put the whole burden of figuring out her desires on you. Part of the reason this is so important is that most subs want to feel like their dom is in control, and you won't feel in control if every time you do something you have to stop and ask "Is this ok? Do you like this?" In order to feel confident, you have to know some of what she wants going in. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
  4. Ceilidh

    Ceilidh Member

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    I agree with you. It shouldn't be all on him. Putting myself into his wifes shoes, these ideas would work for me. Help me to break out of my 'comfort zone,' so to speak. Once out of the comfort zone and I realize the joy of it all; it should become easier to talk about everything. At least this is how I look at it. :)

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