Between a rock and a hard place

Surreal · Jun 17, 2010

Hello everyone!

I guess I'll introduce myself since this is my first thread. I just turned 18, and I'm going off to college in Orlando. This is a huge step for me since my aunt and uncle (with whom I resided) were incredibly strict, to the point that I really didn't have a life. I decided that once I was 18 I would find aforum filled with like minded people, so here I am. If you have any questions just ask.

Now, my issue is I have been into S&M for a long time. Probably around 7 years. It is a part of me and I love to please people. I've always dreamed of finding a mistress or a master to serve. My current boyfriend accepts my fetish but he could never hurt me, tie me up or command me. It just isn't in his personality and I accept him as he is. I tried explaining to him what I was into once, but I think it was a bit too much at once, esp. Since I love pain to such an extent. I told him I would do all I could do to rid myself of this, if it was what he desired. Truly, I see no issues with. This side of me, and as hard as I try I cant let go of it. It's a part of me, as I said before and I still want a master or a mistress more than anything. Does anyone know of any way I can tell him this IS who I am? I've tried, in words that blunt, but he keeps assuring me that if I were to try hard enough I could rid myself of this. It isn't fair. This is what I want, what I've waited for and now I can't make him see.

Any advice is appreciated. Also, if my grammar is bad, I've typed all this on a cell phone, so sorry.

-Surreal

Tumbl3 · Jun 17, 2010

Hi! Welcome to the forum!

*whistles* wow, honestly Surreal, it doesn't sound like he accepts you. "If you try hard enough you can get rid of it"?

And a lot of times (or so I've seen), people who aren't into BDSM or D/s don't understand what it's like and what the difference is between the porn/media they see and what the lifestyle is actually like.

He sees what you want as, "she wants to be abused and beaten and wants me to hurt her" when in reality being whipped is pleasurable and enjoyable. He just doesn't understand the difference.

Taking from the advice I've seen on this forum, try talking to him again (or write him a letter), maybe have him read something about BDSM. And if you do like pain play (and if you guys are having sex), ask him to smack your ass. Most guys go for it, and that way he can realize, "Hey, it's not hurting her, she actually enjoys it."

You're in good hands, btw, there are a lot of awesome people on this forum. And I hope my advice made sense lol.

sillylittlepet · Jun 17, 2010

(are you going to be in a long distance relationship with your boyfriend now that you're moving to florida? Is he moving with you? This is sort of important to know, because long distance BDSM is its own thing)

Judging from your post, I'd say you let it all out way to fast
WE all know that you don't want him to abuse you in a mean, non-consensual way, but it doesnt seem like he knows it. Its not in his personality? What does that mean exactly? Is he "too nice"?
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdniceguy.html

this article is called "BDSM for nice guys". It outlines some excellent points about how BDSM and abuse are so far apart they're not even on the same planet.
I would ask him to read it
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

This whole website is full of awesome articles and and explanations. Basically, I think its the best starter website I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot

Like tumbl3 said, start small. Its a little scary when you tell someone "I want you to tie me up and smack my ass until I cry and beg for you to stop" as opposed to "I think it would be really fun if you spanked me a little or tied my wrists together! That would be super hot <3"

oho, oho, we're so awesome it isnt even funny

Surreal · Jun 17, 2010

Thanks Tumbl3.

Your advice did make sense and I have tried getting him to read a guide about bdsm. I read the guide before I gave it to him, and though it was written in the 90's, it had tons of great info on the what's, why's, and how's of bdsm and. The whole bdsm lifestyle. A few minutes after I sent it we got into an arguement. He had scanned the title and had looked at a bit of the first paragraph before he stopped.
Also, I love writing and I write erotica on the side. This is the only way I've found to let myself indulge in my bdsm desires. (Also, not to get off topic, but if anyone has any suggestions about other outlets, Id love to hear em) I read him one of the stories and he really didn't take it well. He wasn't angry, I'd just say that he was exasperated, as he had thought that we wouldn't discuss bdsm since it always led to arguments.
I consider myself to be fairly eloquent and I did my best to describe my wants and fetishes (from the mild to the furthest) to him. However, he still believed that I could change me.
Also, I wanted to add that aside from this issue, he is the most loving guy I could want. Our interests align and he truly cherishes me.
I feel selfish. I have found a guy that my friends are envious of (due to how well he treats me) and yet I'm still hung up over this. It seems like I need to be thankful for what I have.

Surreal · Jun 17, 2010

Thanks sillylittlpet.

Actually we've been in a long distance relationship for a year. Its been rough at times but we made it.
He's moving in with me within a month.

I"ll totally check out the links and articles! Thanks so much. I realize now that I said too much. He wanted to know what I was hung up on and so I went overboard. My mistake, but I can move on now.

Also, he isn't what I would call overly nice. He's gotten into fights before and dosent hesitate to send people to the hospital. Of course, fighting and bdsm are worlds apart. I just think he's afraid of hurting me.

sillylittlepet · Jun 17, 2010

What was the name of the guide?

"extreme sadism and torture for the loving dominant"?
"Have you ever wanted to lock your partner in some tough chains and fuck them senseless every night? This easy to read guide can solve all of your problems. Too shy to ask your partner what their interests are and work from there? Lots of store sell a chemical called chloroform, this is going to become your number 1 tool in knocking out your partner before you lock them in your basement"

EDIT: he's sent people to the hospital?!

Surreal · Jun 17, 2010

In fights? Yeah he has... I mean when he's sticking up for someone or something he thinks is wrong he takes it seriously. Also, Silly, I don't know where you come from or what the norm is but I've lived in the South (USA) all my life and to most southerners fights are THE way to handle issues. Boys are taught how to fight and if their fighting for a good reason (say another kid was constantly bullying them) then their parents wholheartadly support it.
My parents did when I got into my one fight. (No hospital invovled)

Anyways, I got the guide off of nifty.org. It was the alt.sex.bondage faq, found under the info section. Very well writtwn, in my opinion. Also, someone else took a small portion of the article and made a smaller one entitled: why is bondage fun? That's the section I asked him to read, along with various bits about safety. Have you heard/read that faq?

Tumbl3 · Jun 17, 2010

Hm, honestly he doesn't sound like he's even willing to try for you, or that he's not interested in it at all.

I guess I still say take it slow. Be gradual, and I think once you guys move in together, it will make a world of difference. When BDSM is an idea, it's not the same as when it's in practice.

sebastian · Jun 17, 2010

Surreal, the problem, as people have already sort of mentioned, is that you and he mean different things by bdsm. When you say "please tie me up and spank me", you mean "please show me you love me by giving something I crave". What he hears is "show me how much you hate me by doing something cruel". You and he are speaking different languages, and you need to figure out a way to translate your desires into something that makes more sense to him.

Bdsm has 4 major facets to it: control, bondage, pain, and verbal abuse and humiliation. My advice would be to try to work them in one at a time, beginning with control. That's the least 'whips and chains' one and the one that is going to be least shocking to him. So talk to him and tell him that you want him to try letting him have complete control sexually. You want him to tell you what to do, and he gets to have anything he wants from you. Most guys are used to having to negotiate with their girlfriends for something like a blow job or anything a little non-standard. So if he wants you to do a sexy strip tease or bring him a beer and then blow him, he gets it. For a lot of guys, that "I get whatever I want sexually" idea is very appealing. So try to get him comfortable with him giving you orders. Once he's gotten ok with that, then try to get him to be more aggressive, and so on.

If that doesn't work, you might want to think about having a long conversation about whether the two of you are really compatible sexually. He needs to understand that your desire for bdsm is not negotiable, it's not going to go away, and it's not a sickness that needs curing. It's a deep and essential piece of who you are, and if he isn't willing to accept it and try to accommodate it, then perhaps the two of you need to look for more compatible partners. I think you need to put in terms like that, to make him understand how serious an issue this is for you.

sillylittlepet · Jun 17, 2010

What the christ
I dont even know what to say to that

I'm from the mid-west, fighting your problems out (unless you're from the "west side") is not the norm over here lol

But thats coooool I mean I'm not going to judge you or your boyfriend. Here in the midwest we probably do something that could be considered equally as weird. It seems normal enough to me though. Oh fuck, I learned all about this shit in my boring freshman seminar class, but now I've forgotten all the nifty terms.
It has to do with habitus? I think?

Anyways, I've never even heard of nifty.com but I'm gonna check it out! My guide question was really more of joke, I didn't really understand how a guide to BDSM could scare someone away unless it was secretly horrifying.

Between a rock and a hard place

Surreal

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Tumbl3

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sillylittlepet

Active Member

Surreal

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Surreal

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sillylittlepet

Active Member

Surreal

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Tumbl3

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sebastian

Active Member

sillylittlepet

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