Between a rock and a hard place

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Surreal, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. Surreal

    Surreal Member

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    Hello everyone!

    I guess I'll introduce myself since this is my first thread. I just turned 18, and I'm going off to college in Orlando. This is a huge step for me since my aunt and uncle (with whom I resided) were incredibly strict, to the point that I really didn't have a life. I decided that once I was 18 I would find aforum filled with like minded people, so here I am. If you have any questions just ask.

    Now, my issue is I have been into S&M for a long time. Probably around 7 years. It is a part of me and I love to please people. I've always dreamed of finding a mistress or a master to serve. My current boyfriend accepts my fetish but he could never hurt me, tie me up or command me. It just isn't in his personality and I accept him as he is. I tried explaining to him what I was into once, but I think it was a bit too much at once, esp. Since I love pain to such an extent. I told him I would do all I could do to rid myself of this, if it was what he desired. Truly, I see no issues with. This side of me, and as hard as I try I cant let go of it. It's a part of me, as I said before and I still want a master or a mistress more than anything. Does anyone know of any way I can tell him this IS who I am? I've tried, in words that blunt, but he keeps assuring me that if I were to try hard enough I could rid myself of this. It isn't fair. This is what I want, what I've waited for and now I can't make him see.

    Any advice is appreciated. Also, if my grammar is bad, I've typed all this on a cell phone, so sorry.

  2. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

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    Hi! Welcome to the forum!

    *whistles* wow, honestly Surreal, it doesn't sound like he accepts you. "If you try hard enough you can get rid of it"?

    And a lot of times (or so I've seen), people who aren't into BDSM or D/s don't understand what it's like and what the difference is between the porn/media they see and what the lifestyle is actually like.

    He sees what you want as, "she wants to be abused and beaten and wants me to hurt her" when in reality being whipped is pleasurable and enjoyable. He just doesn't understand the difference.

    Taking from the advice I've seen on this forum, try talking to him again (or write him a letter), maybe have him read something about BDSM. And if you do like pain play (and if you guys are having sex), ask him to smack your ass. Most guys go for it, and that way he can realize, "Hey, it's not hurting her, she actually enjoys it."

    You're in good hands, btw, there are a lot of awesome people on this forum. And I hope my advice made sense lol.
  3. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    (are you going to be in a long distance relationship with your boyfriend now that you're moving to florida? Is he moving with you? This is sort of important to know, because long distance BDSM is its own thing)

    Judging from your post, I'd say you let it all out way to fast
    WE all know that you don't want him to abuse you in a mean, non-consensual way, but it doesnt seem like he knows it. Its not in his personality? What does that mean exactly? Is he "too nice"?

    this article is called "BDSM for nice guys". It outlines some excellent points about how BDSM and abuse are so far apart they're not even on the same planet.
    I would ask him to read it

    This whole website is full of awesome articles and and explanations. Basically, I think its the best starter website I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot :p

    Like tumbl3 said, start small. Its a little scary when you tell someone "I want you to tie me up and smack my ass until I cry and beg for you to stop" as opposed to "I think it would be really fun if you spanked me a little or tied my wrists together! That would be super hot <3"

    oho, oho, we're so awesome it isnt even funny
  4. Surreal

    Surreal Member

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    Thanks Tumbl3.

    Your advice did make sense and I have tried getting him to read a guide about bdsm. I read the guide before I gave it to him, and though it was written in the 90's, it had tons of great info on the what's, why's, and how's of bdsm and. The whole bdsm lifestyle. A few minutes after I sent it we got into an arguement. He had scanned the title and had looked at a bit of the first paragraph before he stopped.
    Also, I love writing and I write erotica on the side. This is the only way I've found to let myself indulge in my bdsm desires. (Also, not to get off topic, but if anyone has any suggestions about other outlets, Id love to hear em) I read him one of the stories and he really didn't take it well. He wasn't angry, I'd just say that he was exasperated, as he had thought that we wouldn't discuss bdsm since it always led to arguments.
    I consider myself to be fairly eloquent and I did my best to describe my wants and fetishes (from the mild to the furthest) to him. However, he still believed that I could change me.
    Also, I wanted to add that aside from this issue, he is the most loving guy I could want. Our interests align and he truly cherishes me.
    I feel selfish. I have found a guy that my friends are envious of (due to how well he treats me) and yet I'm still hung up over this. It seems like I need to be thankful for what I have.
  5. Surreal

    Surreal Member

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    Thanks sillylittlpet.

    Actually we've been in a long distance relationship for a year. Its been rough at times but we made it.
    He's moving in with me within a month.

    I"ll totally check out the links and articles! Thanks so much. I realize now that I said too much. He wanted to know what I was hung up on and so I went overboard. My mistake, but I can move on now.

    Also, he isn't what I would call overly nice. He's gotten into fights before and dosent hesitate to send people to the hospital. Of course, fighting and bdsm are worlds apart. I just think he's afraid of hurting me.
  6. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    What was the name of the guide?

    "extreme sadism and torture for the loving dominant"?
    "Have you ever wanted to lock your partner in some tough chains and fuck them senseless every night? This easy to read guide can solve all of your problems. Too shy to ask your partner what their interests are and work from there? Lots of store sell a chemical called chloroform, this is going to become your number 1 tool in knocking out your partner before you lock them in your basement"

    EDIT: he's sent people to the hospital?!
  7. Surreal

    Surreal Member

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    In fights? Yeah he has... I mean when he's sticking up for someone or something he thinks is wrong he takes it seriously. Also, Silly, I don't know where you come from or what the norm is but I've lived in the South (USA) all my life and to most southerners fights are THE way to handle issues. Boys are taught how to fight and if their fighting for a good reason (say another kid was constantly bullying them) then their parents wholheartadly support it.
    My parents did when I got into my one fight. (No hospital invovled)

    Anyways, I got the guide off of It was the faq, found under the info section. Very well writtwn, in my opinion. Also, someone else took a small portion of the article and made a smaller one entitled: why is bondage fun? That's the section I asked him to read, along with various bits about safety. Have you heard/read that faq?
  8. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

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    Hm, honestly he doesn't sound like he's even willing to try for you, or that he's not interested in it at all.

    I guess I still say take it slow. Be gradual, and I think once you guys move in together, it will make a world of difference. When BDSM is an idea, it's not the same as when it's in practice.
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Surreal, the problem, as people have already sort of mentioned, is that you and he mean different things by bdsm. When you say "please tie me up and spank me", you mean "please show me you love me by giving something I crave". What he hears is "show me how much you hate me by doing something cruel". You and he are speaking different languages, and you need to figure out a way to translate your desires into something that makes more sense to him.

    Bdsm has 4 major facets to it: control, bondage, pain, and verbal abuse and humiliation. My advice would be to try to work them in one at a time, beginning with control. That's the least 'whips and chains' one and the one that is going to be least shocking to him. So talk to him and tell him that you want him to try letting him have complete control sexually. You want him to tell you what to do, and he gets to have anything he wants from you. Most guys are used to having to negotiate with their girlfriends for something like a blow job or anything a little non-standard. So if he wants you to do a sexy strip tease or bring him a beer and then blow him, he gets it. For a lot of guys, that "I get whatever I want sexually" idea is very appealing. So try to get him comfortable with him giving you orders. Once he's gotten ok with that, then try to get him to be more aggressive, and so on.

    If that doesn't work, you might want to think about having a long conversation about whether the two of you are really compatible sexually. He needs to understand that your desire for bdsm is not negotiable, it's not going to go away, and it's not a sickness that needs curing. It's a deep and essential piece of who you are, and if he isn't willing to accept it and try to accommodate it, then perhaps the two of you need to look for more compatible partners. I think you need to put in terms like that, to make him understand how serious an issue this is for you.
  10. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    What the christ
    I dont even know what to say to that

    I'm from the mid-west, fighting your problems out (unless you're from the "west side") is not the norm over here lol

    But thats coooool I mean I'm not going to judge you or your boyfriend. Here in the midwest we probably do something that could be considered equally as weird. It seems normal enough to me though. Oh fuck, I learned all about this shit in my boring freshman seminar class, but now I've forgotten all the nifty terms.
    It has to do with habitus? I think?

    Anyways, I've never even heard of but I'm gonna check it out! My guide question was really more of joke, I didn't really understand how a guide to BDSM could scare someone away unless it was secretly horrifying.
  11. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

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    Well lulz, if it was a guide to like, extreme needle play. Or fecal play - *shudders*
  12. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    ohhhh my god lets not even go there

    (maybe he mistook it for a guide for prepubescent rape lawl)

    (we should stop this before sparrow puts his foot down on our silly games)
  13. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    surreal - welcome to the forum

    Easton and Liszt "When Someone You Love is Kinky" is a great book to help him understand what it means to be kinky. It covers your particular area.

    I looked thru the beginnings of the FAQ. If I were him, I would have stopped reading about the same place.
    The first few pages of the book mentioned above are available on Amazon. It's cheap, and even cheaper if you want do buy it used.

    I've bought two, have none. As such I haven't been able to get to the end yet, but it does take a softer approach to getting someone to understand what you're about.

    You guys are moving in together in a month? You're starting college in Orlando in two months?

    Has anyone told you that this is not a good idea? You said you've been living in a very strict household so you "don't get out much", and you're excited about entering this brave new world, so you're gonna move in with your boyfriend. Now even though he really loves and cherishes you (and I believe it), he cannot relate to your evil/kinky side and won't hear of it.

    So how do you grow? Is he going to the same school? Is he moving there to be close to you? Was it his idea or yours to move in together? How many boyfriends have you had so far?

    Aside from everything else - I've gotta say, and I know I may be to late, you need to really think twice about this. Cause it looks like somebody's gonna get hurt, and it's not you.

    I don't remember seeing this advice yet, so I need to ask; What if he is just vanilla? What if he doesn't get it. Many people, even those that have taken the time to understand, just won't go that way. Are you willing to accept that your boyfriend isn't kinky?, and live with it? I think you can, but do you?
    As many of us can attest to.... What lives inside you will not go away. You can keep in in check, but it will never go away.

    Just getting him to understand is not your only hurdle.

    Going away to school is where you grow and find out who you are. Even though he loves you, you should expect that you are going to have to live within his expectations instead of your aunt and uncle's now. You may as well start with coffee and cigarettes..... They stunt your growth too.

    Good luck
  14. Martello

    Martello Member

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    Ok, I know this might sound harsh, but you know what Surreal - fuck'em. Find someone new. You're still young and have an entire life ahead of you; especially with going off to college. Why are you so accepting of his not liking bondage or accepting the fact that he is asking you to not be yourself? Wherein you are accepting of his personal desires. That’s not a sign of love, acceptance or respect. And those are the foundation of creating a happy life with someone.

    Listen, this isn’t “a life style” this isn’t “the dynamic” and this isn’t a “choice”. What it is - is sexual orientation. Which for a lot of people is a struggle; trust me when I tell you I know from experience.

    The fact that you’re 18 and you can call it like you see it and have an understanding of what it is you want is a major feather in your cap and should not be something you let someone else explain to you that it’s something you should go without. That is ludicrous!

    Get it into your head that it is as much of who you are as the color of your eyes. One person is made whole by a number of parts. Leaving own a single thing will never allow that person to be whole.

    Hey Sebastian, you know what – maybe we could be best friends if you weren’t gay. So do me a favor, and just not be gay for me ok? Because you’ll be my best friend forever. (The word “forever” to be visited again later.)

    How ridiculous does that sound? 100%, right? Well, what is your boyfriend saying?

    Also, I’m sure you may love him or have strong feelings for him; but really – there are plenty of fish in the sea. Are there many Dom fish out there? Not as many as vanilla fish, but wouldn’t you rather be wholly happy rather then mostly? Or kinda?

    My strongest suggestion is to let go and make anew. You might not agree and you might get pissed off I said this but really if that’s the state of things now, it’s your best bet.

    BTW Forever doesn’t exist when you’re 18 as much as you think it does. Believe me, anyone here will tell you that if you don’t already agree. And that is to your benefit. Being 18, what you have is tomorrow and that’s a hell of a lot. Forever, insofar as a relationship or companionship goes comes around when you’re elderly on the couch with an afghan over your legs watching the price is right with your loved one. Forever is a mark of the passed, not an indicator of the future.

    Live yourself for yourself – you’re going to have to before you can live it for anyone else.
  15. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Martello makes a good point, Surreal. The bf you're with is probably not going to be the guy you spend your life with. It always feels that way at 18, but that's generally not the way it plays out. And the fact that he's pushing you to not be who you know you are sexually is an indicator of that.

    However, my comments were based on the notion that your feelings about this guy are strong enough that you really want to try and make it work with him. And that's not a bad thing. If it fails, you'll know you did everything you could to make it work. The important thing here, which we're all saying one way or another, is that you need to stand your ground with him. You're fairly clear that you are submissive, so even if he won't dominate you (and there's no rule he has to, anymore than there's a rule that you have to give up your desire for submission) he needs at a bare minimum to accept that part of you and not insist that it needs to be cured.

    Hey, Martello, I like you too. Have you thought of exploring your gay side? I'll be glad to teach you a few things...

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