What's a sub to do? How to get my boyfriend to be the Dom I need?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by McuriousM, Mar 21, 2011.

  1. McuriousM

    McuriousM New Member

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    Hello everyone, this is my first post and I apologize ahead of time, since this might be a bit long, but any help will be much appreciated.
    It's only been a year since I first figured out that this lifestyle was something that I can get into and it's only been a couple of months that I've really started to want to take it to a serious level. I'm a sub and adore it and luckily I have a boyfriend who likes to humor me... But it mostly ends there. We have a wonderful sex life and when we can be together, it's delightful, but I find myself wanting and needing more. I've talked to him several times about being more of a Dom throughout our day to day life, but it seems that he just doesn't get it. I'm not looking to wear a collar everyday or anything to that extent, but maybe designating what color underwear I can wear or giving me a designated time when I can... Enjoy myself. I mean, I've tried time and time again to get him into this but I think it's more of a 'keep it in the bed room' thing for him where I'm more open to the whole lifestyle. I even asked if I could possibly talk to a Dom strictly online, under a faux e-mail without pictures, but he was against the idea and even though it would probably just enough and exactly what I need, I don't want to upset him.
    So I've talked to him, several times without much of a reaction. Does anyone know how to coax someone into being a Dom? Lol, that sounds a bit wicked but I'm terribly in love with him, and we've been dating for seven years so I'm completely commited to him, but I am in desprate need of a Dom.
    What's a sub to do?
  2. Kor

    Kor Member

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    Perhaps he's not wired for dominance.

    You might suggest he help you interview a dominant for you, or both of you.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    McM, for guys who are really vanilla, the place to start is with control. Most guys fantasize about being able to have sex just the way they want it, so even a fairly vanilla guy can get into that without having to deal with things like inflicting pain or humiliation on his gf. So tell your bf that from now on, he gets to have sex with you any time he wants, in whatever way he wants, wherever he wants. He gets to demand blow jobs from you while he's watching tv on the couch, for example, and he doesn't have to reciprocate in any way if he doesn't want to. You can set limits if you want (like no sex after 11pm on a work night or no sex when someone else might see it), but apart from that, he gets what he wants whenever he wants it. Most guys will eventually find they enjoy that, and if he has any dominant side to him at all, he'll gradually get used to just demanding sex.

    If he asks what you want, tell him you want to give him pleasure any way he wants, and if he asks if you're satisfied, tell him pleasuring him really excites you. Obviously, don't lie to him and tell him you love it if you don't, but help him learn that being given sexual commands arouses you, and the more aggressively he commands you, the hotter you get.

    Once he's gotten used to getting his way sexually, sit down with him and tell him that you want to start exploring some of the other forms of bdsm play. Tell him you want him to spank you, or piss on you, or insult you or whatever it is you're craving. If he baulks, point out to him that you've been accommodating his sexual needs, so it's only fair that he push a few of his limits and try some of the things you want to explore. Don't blackmail him into doing stuff he totally doesn't want to try, but ask him to try a particular kink two or three times before he decides it's not for him.

    Another thing that female subs often have trouble understanding about male doms is that being dominant is a performance, and men tend to get worried about how well they are performing during sex. (Remember, a naked woman can fake being sexually aroused; a naked man can't. So guys typically need a little confidence to stay hard.) Some of his reluctance to explore being dominant may be related to performance anxiety; he may worry that he sounds silly when he gives you a command. So whenever he tries something new, play into what he's doing. Make a little more noise than you might, or squirm or whatever. Don't fake an orgasm, but give him some signal that he's doing things right, you're getting turned on, and you want him to keep going.

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