Between a rock and a hard place

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L8NightQ

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surreal - welcome to the forum

Easton and Liszt "When Someone You Love is Kinky" is a great book to help him understand what it means to be kinky. It covers your particular area.

I looked thru the beginnings of the FAQ. If I were him, I would have stopped reading about the same place.
The first few pages of the book mentioned above are available on Amazon. It's cheap, and even cheaper if you want do buy it used.

I've bought two, have none. As such I haven't been able to get to the end yet, but it does take a softer approach to getting someone to understand what you're about.

You guys are moving in together in a month? You're starting college in Orlando in two months?

Has anyone told you that this is not a good idea? You said you've been living in a very strict household so you "don't get out much", and you're excited about entering this brave new world, so you're gonna move in with your boyfriend. Now even though he really loves and cherishes you (and I believe it), he cannot relate to your evil/kinky side and won't hear of it.

So how do you grow? Is he going to the same school? Is he moving there to be close to you? Was it his idea or yours to move in together? How many boyfriends have you had so far?

Aside from everything else - I've gotta say, and I know I may be to late, you need to really think twice about this. Cause it looks like somebody's gonna get hurt, and it's not you.

I don't remember seeing this advice yet, so I need to ask; What if he is just vanilla? What if he doesn't get it. Many people, even those that have taken the time to understand, just won't go that way. Are you willing to accept that your boyfriend isn't kinky?, and live with it? I think you can, but do you?
As many of us can attest to.... What lives inside you will not go away. You can keep in in check, but it will never go away.

Just getting him to understand is not your only hurdle.

Going away to school is where you grow and find out who you are. Even though he loves you, you should expect that you are going to have to live within his expectations instead of your aunt and uncle's now. You may as well start with coffee and cigarettes..... They stunt your growth too.

Good luck
 
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Martello

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Ok, I know this might sound harsh, but you know what Surreal - fuck'em. Find someone new. You're still young and have an entire life ahead of you; especially with going off to college. Why are you so accepting of his not liking bondage or accepting the fact that he is asking you to not be yourself? Wherein you are accepting of his personal desires. That’s not a sign of love, acceptance or respect. And those are the foundation of creating a happy life with someone.

Listen, this isn’t “a life style” this isn’t “the dynamic” and this isn’t a “choice”. What it is - is sexual orientation. Which for a lot of people is a struggle; trust me when I tell you I know from experience.

The fact that you’re 18 and you can call it like you see it and have an understanding of what it is you want is a major feather in your cap and should not be something you let someone else explain to you that it’s something you should go without. That is ludicrous!

Get it into your head that it is as much of who you are as the color of your eyes. One person is made whole by a number of parts. Leaving own a single thing will never allow that person to be whole.

Hey Sebastian, you know what – maybe we could be best friends if you weren’t gay. So do me a favor, and just not be gay for me ok? Because you’ll be my best friend forever. (The word “forever” to be visited again later.)

How ridiculous does that sound? 100%, right? Well, what is your boyfriend saying?

Also, I’m sure you may love him or have strong feelings for him; but really – there are plenty of fish in the sea. Are there many Dom fish out there? Not as many as vanilla fish, but wouldn’t you rather be wholly happy rather then mostly? Or kinda?

My strongest suggestion is to let go and make anew. You might not agree and you might get pissed off I said this but really if that’s the state of things now, it’s your best bet.

BTW Forever doesn’t exist when you’re 18 as much as you think it does. Believe me, anyone here will tell you that if you don’t already agree. And that is to your benefit. Being 18, what you have is tomorrow and that’s a hell of a lot. Forever, insofar as a relationship or companionship goes comes around when you’re elderly on the couch with an afghan over your legs watching the price is right with your loved one. Forever is a mark of the passed, not an indicator of the future.

Live yourself for yourself – you’re going to have to before you can live it for anyone else.
 
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sebastian

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Martello makes a good point, Surreal. The bf you're with is probably not going to be the guy you spend your life with. It always feels that way at 18, but that's generally not the way it plays out. And the fact that he's pushing you to not be who you know you are sexually is an indicator of that.

However, my comments were based on the notion that your feelings about this guy are strong enough that you really want to try and make it work with him. And that's not a bad thing. If it fails, you'll know you did everything you could to make it work. The important thing here, which we're all saying one way or another, is that you need to stand your ground with him. You're fairly clear that you are submissive, so even if he won't dominate you (and there's no rule he has to, anymore than there's a rule that you have to give up your desire for submission) he needs at a bare minimum to accept that part of you and not insist that it needs to be cured.

Hey, Martello, I like you too. Have you thought of exploring your gay side? I'll be glad to teach you a few things...
 
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Surreal

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Wow, thanks for the great responses everyone. I'd love to respond in kind, but until my laptop ships I'm stuck on my cell. When it gets here you won't be able to shut me up. Unless anyone has a gag handy that is.

@L8Night... Wow, I won't be able to answer all your questions, but I'll assume most were retorical. Just because I shared a house with two Nazi's dosen't mean I haven't been out much. Everything I've done and experienced has made me who I am. I may be 18, but I'm not the type of girl to assume that all relationships will work out. I've dated a fair number of guys, and girls. I know relationships at this age are transient, but that won't stop me from giving it my all. That to me is what a relationship deserves at any age: love, loyalty and respect.
Also, I have considered the possibility that he may be just vanilla. It isn't a pleasant one, but I would feel awful about not trying a little more, for his sake.
@Martello: That was harsh, but rightly so from your paradigm. I know forever doesn't exist at this age and you'd have a damn hard time convincing me it existed at any other. You did bring up a good point though. Their aren't as many dom's in the sea, and what if I don't find one? It's entirely possible. I've looked for a good while... and so far I've found nothing. But I may be looking in the wrong area. Speaking of which, does anyone know anything or anyone that relates to the Orlando/Central FL. S&M scene? It would be nice to have someone to talk to... or at least know they exist.
@Sebastian: Yes, I am willing to do everything in my power to make this work. I think we both deserve that and I don't think my conscious would sleep easily knowing that I just quit when things get difficult. That's weakness to me, pure and simple. I want him to know that this IS me, but I have a feeling he'll just try to not talk about it.
Whatever happens, I'm driving the 9 hours tonight to see him and it'll be (hopefully) fixed tommorow.

Thanks again guys!!
 
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Martello

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sebastian

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Surreal, were I you, I would not do everything in your power to make it work. I would do everything _reasonable_ in my power. It's very important, especially at your age, to be true to who you are inside and not sacrifice yourself for a shot at happiness. This boy is not the only chance you will have to be happy, even if it feels like it. But trying very hard to make it work is often worthwhile. Even if you can't make it work, you will know that it wasn't because you didn't try. But if he won't compromise at all, there's no reason for you to compromise.

Martello, how do you know if you'll like it or not if you don't try it...

And you know what they say. To dom well you have to spent some time as a sub.
 
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Martello

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