Extremely confused and unsure


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Hi TS,
Actually I think your Latin is better than mine (it has been a very long time!!). Sorry I read too much into the handle :)

Sebastian is right about being turned on as you talk through a given fantasy. In some cases you will never actually have to "go through" with the act you're describing - just talking about it will be enough.

If you think about how some people get hooked on Second Life, it's clear that the mind really is a very powerful erogenous zone :)

Don't rush into it if you feel a bit self-conscious about sex talk. Again...it's perfectly normal to feel that way. And by the way - almost everyone feels a bit ermbarrassed the first time they "talk dirty" - that's why most of them wait until they are drunk!

But if you can get into the right kind of mood...and feel safe, and not take it too seriously, it can be a lot of fun to talk dirty.

If you feel self-conscious about doing it face to face with your boyfriend, why not try a sexy phone call, or a sexy IM session with him? By the way - flirting with a stranger is also a very common sexual fantasy. If you get into the sexy IM thing then you can pretend you're strangers.

Don't feel you have to do any of these things, but if we're "getting warmer" with our suggestions then let us know.

Cheers,
Stanley
 
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squibby157

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Hi TS,

I understand where you're coming from. Although I have been married to my husband for almost 11 years, and we didn't have a "boring" relationship, we recently entered into an "official" D/s relationship of sorts. While I have always been the submissive type and enjoyed a certain degree of pain during sex, I've had many issues and traumas in the past that kept me from completely trusting my husband to fully dominate me. I too am intelligent and independent. I am also very attractive, successful, and curious. I think there comes a point where you can over think situations, although you are smart to do some research. (Coincidentally, this is the first place I found with very useful and helpful information.)

I think what struck me the most is your statement that it is difficult for you to communicate your wants, needs, and curiosity. I have the same issue. While I have never been boring sexually, I am terrible and asking for what I want and expressing my desires. I feel like when I talk "kinky" it all sounds cliche' or just down right stupid coming out of my mouth. Also, if you're like me, you think that once you've put it out into the universe, it is something you're committed to or something you can never take back, and that makes a person quite vulnerable (what if they think you're a freak or use it against you later?); Especially someone with strong defenses like me. I've found with a little liquid courage and via electronic means, I am able to express my desires and fantasies with ease. In fact, there are times that I will tell my hubby (Master) that he should go to his computer, or he will ask me a question and I will literally text the answer back even though I am sitting across the couch from him. I don't know if this will help you, but it has certainly helped me! I am beginning to be more comfortable with verbally expressing what I want, which is awesome.

I will say that although it took quite some time to get to this place where I completely submit to someone, since we made that change and shifted our roles, I wouldn't change it for the world. I realize how much time and thought go into being a dom as well as a very high level of respect for me. Being a dom requires that person to be attentive to your thoughts, needs, and desires as well as reading your facial expressions and body language. I have to say that I am closer to my husband than ever. But enough about me...

Try some non face to face communication and some that is somewhat non-committal (talk about hypothetical situations, etc.). Then, slowly start to transfer it to the bedroom. If role play is a little too much right now, then start with prolonged foreplay and asking for him to be a little more rough than you or ask him to be more commanding like telling you to suck his cock, etc. It will come with time. I wish you luck in your endeavors! If this is something you truly are deep down, once you find it and accept it, you will wonder why you weren't doing it a long time ago! :)

Best wishes!

KK
 
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Maybe I shouldn't say boring specifically. . . But it seems to be lacking something. It's not trust, because I do trust him. It just seems like we're missing something. . .

I don't think I could do what you suggest, sebastian. X_X It's too open and personal. What if he starts going on about something that I find completely disgusting? (He's a trolly-guy. . . So he probably doesn't even find it arousing, he just wants to see my reaction when he mentions something gross. Like scat-play. O.x And telling him to be serious has never worked. . . >>)

And I do think you guys are getting warmer. ^^ The entire topic is less hard to think about without freaking out, which is good.

And squibby, that's a lot like me. ^^" I'll try using IM to communicate tonight, he gets off of work here shortly, soo. . . Yeah. :<
 
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sebastian

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BDSM is by its nature personal. It's about sharing what really arouses you with your partner. It helps build a bond between dom and sub. But to get to that place, you need to be honest and genuine. You need to find the courage to go out on a limb, because that's where the fruit is.

I know that sounds scary, but you can do it.
 
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Hi TS,

>>What if he starts going on about something that I find completely disgusting?


Your reply is "Do you think you can turn me on by trying to shock me? You need to be a bit more creative than that. But believe me, it'll be worth the effort."

Seriously, you need to understand that he is stuggling to communicate his fantasies also. Put yourself into his position for a second. He may have been dropping hints for a while, and (from his perspective) he is not seeing a reaction from you that he considers to be positive. This may be because you were grossed out by something he said and you chose to ignore it, rather than confront him. He took that as "no reaction", and he decided to dial up the intensity.

You have every right to be grossed out - and if you are then you need to tell him. Part of the objective of your communication should be to tell him what your comfortable limits are.

Consent needs to be for both psychological and physical play.


If you try IM communication and he grosses you out, you need to tell him to dial it back. If he doesn't then quit the session - even if you're in the same room as him!

Let me tell you I have pretty wide tastes in BDSM, and scat play is definitely not on my list of turn-ons! I think most people on this board would agree that it's at the more extreme end of BDSM play.

A great philosopher once said..."let's start at the very beginning...it's a very good place to start."

Cheers,
Stanley
 
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Abby

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TS- I understand your feeling of being shy about sexual stuff. This time last year I was the same way. I opened up to someone and it didn't go the way I wanted, I got burned. But I learned something really important from it, If I ever want a relationship to work i HAVE to be able to open up. No matter what type of relationship your in, being up front and honest is so important.

I'm at the end of a divorce, partly because we are not sexually compatible (I like BDSM and he doesn't, I'm female and he likes males). All this could have been avoided had we been open and honest with each other. I will never ever hide anything about myself from someone i'm with ever again. I can't stress just how important communication is!

My best advice is to sit down with him and have a long talk. Find out out his likes and dislikes and tell him yours. You might not know what those are yet, so continuing to talk is very important. Being open will get easier with time. After every play session Sir and I talk about what we liked and didn't like, what we want to try and limits we want pushed. Talk in depth about your limits. You both should know each others limits.
 
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So we finally had a very long, exhausting conversation. A lot of what was said was written in the beginning, but I eventually managed to verbally communicate some stuffs. He's really excited and I'm happy that he's happy, even if I'm super nervous on the inside. X_X Thanks for your help, guys. :3 I'm not sure where it'll go from here, but hopefully it'll go to good places instead of dark, molding basements where it's left to shrivel in the corner alone.
 
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That sounds great!

Hopefully you'll have found that, while it might be awkward to have this kind of conversation, the payoff is worth it.

And I can assure you that once you've started a dialog like this, it can get a lot easier to do it again in the future - but you have to keep talking. Try not to slip back into that basement corner :)

I really hope everything goes well.

Cheers,
Stanley
 
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