Extremely confused and unsure

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Tempestas somniorum, Nov 3, 2012.

  1. Tempestas somniorum

    Tempestas somniorum New Member

    Sooo. . . This is going to be a decently lengthed post. I'm going to try and leave out unnecessary details and summarize as best as possible, but I've never been concise, let alone when I'm as confused and generally panicky as I am right now. . .

    For the longest time, and this is extremely important, I was the "virgin girl." And I mean 21 years' time. By this title, I don't simply mean I abstained from sex - I mean I didn't touch the subject with a 50' pole and I was genuinely terrified of it all. I still don't get those immature jokes people my age make and most comments. However, my knowledge of a vast majority of "things" in this area is greater than any of my friends' knowledge - at least in theory.

    Kind of recently, I finally trusted my long-time boyfriend enough to "do the deed." Since then, however, he's been not really pushing me towards BDSM, but been talking about it more and more and been trying to bring up the topic around me more often. While I never criticized any life style choices or anything, I was always extremely weary of this particular topic. Extremely weary. I've expressed my opinion every time he's brought it up and he always backs off temporarily before starting to talk about it again. I've already caught myself in an existential crisis with the whole vanilla aspect of everything, I didn't need to think about this whole area as well.

    The night before last my boyfriend brought up a web comic kind of thing he'd stumbled across. . . Sunstone, if anyone's heard of it. When he first stated it was a BDSM-related story, I wrote it off as simple PWP, but he pressed the issue saying that the characters were well-developed and the story was good. While I was able to write it off for the moment, my curiosity started to get the better of me and I originally reasoned that I just wanted to know the name. That's it. Just the name. And then last night he linked me Chapter 1 of the story and then another link with a bunch of pictures of outfits telling me that I would find them adorable. . .

    And, after sitting there and debating for a full hour on whether or not to read it, I clicked the link telling myself that I wanted to just see the art style. . . And then I read the first page. And I clicked for the next page and read it. The next thing I know, I've read the entire first chapter and am looking for the second. Queue a second break as I try to reason out me reading more and more of the story before saying screw it and just reading chapter 2 and what was posted of chapter 3.

    Now where my confusion and uncertainty comes in. . . I'd never thought about what went on in BDSM until that comic. I mean, yes, I thought about what happened as a by-stander's point of view, but not what happened from the participants' perspective. It was always just me thinking, "Sure, the Dom gets what he or she wants, but the sub is left being subjected to things he or she may not normally think of doing and (s)he's just doing it because the arousal levels are too high for clear thinking." Which prompted more research into the points of view the participants have and, at least seemingly, Sunstone's got it pretty down-pat.

    I've always been a curious person but I don't think I could emotionally handle anything near a BDSM situation. Even if I could, I have no way of communicating my curiosity because every time I attempt to talk about even buying condoms my voice catches in my throat and I completely seize up with a feeling of dread. But every time I think about what might happen if I do let my boyfriend enact a BDSM scene, I have this horrible, nagging feeling of curiosity and want and general excitement along with a feeling of dread.

    I don't know what I'm asking specifically, but I guess I want to know if anyone knows something I could do or say or just something to help me figure out what I'm trying to think or maybe unstick my throat and get rid of this feeling of lead in my stomach or something. . . ;~;
  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    When we were in a vanilla relationship, my boyfriend thought the opposite of you- 'sure, the dominant's in charge, but the sub holds all the power so who cares?' I just thought that was cute.

    If you haven't, I suggest you read the FAQ, it has a wealth of information on what you should expect and other things about BDSM.

    First off, anyway, don't be pressured into anything. BDSM might not be for you, and even if it is, all aspects might not be- you might like to be tied up, but not like pain play, etc. Even ignoring that, you might not be interested in submitting (or dominating, whichever it is your boyfriend wants). And even then, there are different types of dynamics in those roles (Dom/sub, Master/slave, Daddy/girl (or Mommy/boy- neither of these mean incest, just to be clear), etc) I think you should try it out when/if you are comfortable with it, but keep all those things in mind.

    Second, BDSM is all about communication (really, all relationships should be). So tell him about all the feelings you're having about this, and listen to what he wants. From that conversation, you can figure out what you would be willing to try. You don't have to do everything he wants, even if you decide to play for a night, even if you're a sub. Both of you get to set limits. And remember SCC- play should be safe, sane, and consensual.

    And I think the last thing I have to say is that nervousness is normal. If you decide to try, you'll be doing something new to you that until recently you had negative misconceptions about (trust me, though I'm sure you know it now, submissives play and obey much more than because of a sexual high). Ignoring it being something sexual, anything like that should make you nervous.

    Oh, one last slightly-offtopic thing. BDSM (and sex in general) should be about both partners. Make it so you can enjoy it too, don't just do it for him. Perhaps try for him, if you have no objection to it, but neither should be a matter of relinquishing and doing what he wants (especially if it requires buying gear such as those outfits that you don't want). On the other hand, don't be upset with him for bringing it up, either. I'm sure it was hard and he was trying to introduce it nicely.
  3. Tempestas somniorum

    Tempestas somniorum New Member

    Lets say that I do listen to my curiosity and attempt to try this thing first-hand. What would be a good way for me to get started in BDSM? Obviously my boyfriend isn't adverse to the idea, but what are some simple, easy things to get my toes wet? (I've never been the kind of girl to jump into the lake. . .) And I mean the most vanilla, non-vanilla thing that's out there? And I don't think I could ever be mad at my boyfriend for it, just upset that he made me curious enough to go read the comic in the first place.
  4. Hi and welcome to the board.

    Let's be clear that what you are feeling is 100% normal, and you absolutely should be cautious before you take any decision to move towards BDSM play.

    As Smallest suggested, check out the FAQ.

    You don't tell us much about how you are feeling about your first sexual experience. Are you feeling comfortable with your long term relationship since that happened?

    So your boyfriend has been dropping hints that he'd like to introduce some "kink" into the relationship. Again, I would say that this is pretty normal (or at least, not unusual given that fetish imagery is far more commonplace these days in mainstream media).

    Let me just explore this comment you made: "but the sub is left being subjected to things he or she may not normally think of doing and (s)he's just doing it because the arousal levels are too high for clear thinking."

    Perhaps I could suggest an alternative interpretation.

    If you look at surveys about what women think is lacking in their sexual relationships, a common theme is that "men don't know how to do foreplay".

    You could consider a session of sexual submission to be extended foreplay.

    That might seem a little odd at first...surely you're in pain, or uncomfortable, etc. How could you experience those sensations as "foreplay"?

    The answer is that mild S&M play does not have to involve either pain or discomfort. In fact, if you are prepared to engage in a verbal roleplay with your boyfriend you might find that to be extremely arousing.

    This is where communication between you is important. There are highly committed S&M couples in which the sub will completely give up their will to the Dom(me). But at the other end of the scale there are now millions of couples who are simply introducing "a bit of S&M" into their sex lives to spice things up.

    Unfortunately it sounds as though you get a bit tongue-tied when you talk about sex issues. Again...this is 100% normal for many people. But if you want to be happy in your sex life - whether it involves S&M or just vanilla sex - you will need to start communicating with your man.

  5. I saw you replied to Smallest as I was typing my first reply.

    A simple idea.

    Your boyfriend has used a comic book to suggest something to you.

    We just had Halloween. That means that all sorts of comic book, or "catwoman" costumes are now available at discounted prices on Amazon.

    Buy a cheap, sexy costume...agree a simple scenario...and go for it.

    To stay safe (I'm assuming you'll read the FAQ)...

    • Do not use "impact play" (ie. no hitting)
    • Do not use any kind of breath play or strangulation (these are never "safe")
    • Do not use gags
    • If you do agree to use bondage, please don't use handcuffs, or thin ropes...or any ropes at this stage. Wide gaffer tape is nice and safe - the sort you can just rip across with your fingers

    This is an interrogation scene I recently suggested. The value of "interrogation" is that both parties sort of know what they are supposed to do - because we've all seen interrogations in the cinema or on TV.


  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Hi, T.S., and welcome!

    You're 21 and you've just given up your virginity. You seem a little conflicted, as if there's something wrong with you because you waited until you were 21. There is nothing wrong with that at all. In fact, it's probably healthy that you wanted until you were out of your teen years. It shows a degree of maturity and self-control that speaks well of you. So don't think you're some sort of weirdo for waiting so long. You're doing fine on that score. And if, as Stanley asked, you might be feeling regret about your first sexual experience, that's ok too. Many people do.

    BDSM and kink can be deeply enjoyable forms of sex and relationship activity. Some people know that they're kinky even before they understand what sex is, some discover it early on in their sexual life, and others (like me) didn't figure it out until much later in life. Go at whatever pace you're comfortable with. Explore as much as you want, assuming you find it enjoyable, and stop or pause when it becomes unpleasant, confusing, or just plan work. In general, though, unless you feel a strong calling toward lifestyle BDSM, I would advise keeping your kink in the bedroom. At your age and degree of sexual experience, it's probably best to treat it as a fun thing you do occasionally. Deeper levels of play, like slavery, are usually best saved for when you're more experienced and understand what arouses you and what relationships are like. I realize that I'm getting ahead of where you are, but I want to emphasize that it's ok for you to be wherever you are in relationship to kink.

    Read through the FAQ, and pay particular attention to my post about the Two Layers of BDSM. You're currently tending to think of submissiveness on the Outer Layer. When you look at a sub from outside the play scene, the sub appears to be being abused, but when you look at it from the sub's perspective, you'll see that if it's done right, the dom is often serving the sub. For example, I have done many scenes where I tied a boy up and proceeded to torture him. That looks like I'm just inflicting harsh treatment on him. But as I torture the boy, what I'm actually doing is forcing him to focus on his sense of touch. I'm slapping his body with a crop or paddle. Yes, it hurts, but I'm watching his reactions closely and trying to be only as rough as he can handle. I move from one area of his body to another, shifting his attention around. And eventually, when his body is very sensitive, I being to alternate more pleasurable sensations, like licking, kissing, stroking with my hand, running a piece of cloth or fur over his body, tickling with my fingers, my beard, and so on. In between those pleasurable sensations, I add more pain, using clothpins, tit clamps, prickers, and so on. I start to stroke his cock, or suck it, or use a vibrator on it. I tease his anus, or use a butt plug. The result for the boy is a very intense sensory experience--his body is alive with sensations. The nerves that carry pleasure also carry pain, but they can only carry one at a time, so the result is that the pain, pleasure, and sexual stimulation all begin to blur together, so that pain because pleasure and pleasure can be pain. I slowly take him higher and higher, building up the tension in his body, trying to take him up to the edge of what he can stand before I finally let him orgasm. If I've done my job properly, he gets an intense, full-body, and sometimes full-mind, orgasm. And often I haven't even taken my cock out of my pants.

    So, with that in mind, tell me who's getting what he wants? Who's being served and who's doing the work?

    Now, not every BDSM session is like that. I mostly play with boys who enjoy pain play. You might not enjoy pain play at all. You might find that you like different areas of kink. But if the dom is doing his job, regardless of what sort of play you're doing, you as the sub should find pleasure in it. If you don't, stop doing it.

    By the way, here's a simple test that might tell you whether you enjoy pain. The next time you masturbate, finger your nipples. Rub them, squeeze them, pinch them a bit, dig your fingernails into them a little. Does that arouse you? Does it make your pussy tingle or get wet? If it does, there's a good chance you might enjoy some forms of pain play. At least among gay men that I've dealt with, the ones who like tit play usually enjoy things like spanking, flogging, and genital torture.

    So where to start your exploration? What's the most vanilla non-vanilla thing you can do? For my money, the place to start is with control. Spend an hour or two with your boyfriend in the bedroom as his short term 'slave' or 'prisoner'. You have to do whatever he tells you to, and he doesn't have to reciprocate. You have to be naked, and he doesn't (unless he wants to). You strip down, kneel at his feet, and wait for him to give you instructions. If he wants to use you as a go-go dancer, you writhe for him as he watches. If he wants to inspect your body, he gets to fondle and grope you. If he wants you to suck him, you do it. He gets to fuck you in whatever position turns him on.

    The idea here is to explore simple power exchange--you give up control to him and accept that for the next hour or two, you're just going to do as told. There are two advantages to starting here. 1) It's easy and less intimidating than trying to explore bondage, spanking or whatever. It's closer to what vanilla couples might do in the bedroom than most other kink is (after all, sometimes one partner just tells the other to lie back and enjoy). So you'll be less nervous. 2) It gives you the basic experience of being a sub. If you discover that you like the experience of giving pleasure on command, of giving without directly getting, of being 'used', you'll know that being submissive might be something to seriously explore. If on the other hand, you find it unpleasant, it might be a sign that being submissive is not for you. Try this at least two or three times--the first time you may be too nervous to really get into it--before you decide that it's not for you.

    Stanley's idea of doing simple role-playing is also a good one. Costumes can be a nice turn on even for otherwise vanilla people, and they give you a bit of psychological distance. You're not the one being used this way--it's the French Maid or Catwoman being used.
  7. Tempestas somniorum

    Tempestas somniorum New Member

    I apologize that it takes me so long to reply. . . I just want to think about what's said and I'm also slowly reading through the FAQ. :< (And it always takes me forever to type this stuff out.)

    Yeah, I am feeling comfortable with him. He's a nice guy. :3 Very gentle and caring. If he ever hurts me (accidentally, of course, and more rarely then when I accidentally injure him - I'm far more clumsy than he is) he's always super quick to apologize and you can tell he's sincere about it. Though, it is kind of a boring relationship. Probably because I'm such a boring person. ^^" Can only talk about video games and Manga for so long. . .

    :( I know the communication issue is rough. I generally try to write out things about that area because it's much easier to write it than to say it. Though it gets tedious trying to tell him everything in writing. X_X

    . . . I do like the costumes. . . :< Kind of a corset/gothic lolita-addict. . . My wardrobe is shoved full of those frilly things.

    I could never regret it. . . It's just an awkward topic. X_X

    And I guess the sub does have more control than I thought, when put like that. :< It just always seems so one-sided. . . I guess you can't tell the hero gets the girl in a book if you don't read it?

    I think, if I DO decide to do anything like this and ever get the guts up to poke my boyfriend in that direction, to do something like a role-play/power exchange thingy-ma-bob. :<

    Thanks for the reassurance that I'm not completely weird or silly or anything and the suggestions and help, guys and gal. :3 I didn't know what else to do so I signed up and posted a half-frantic post.
  8. It sounds like you're being rather hard on yourself :)

    If you've convinced yourself that your relationship is boring, and that you are to blame for it then (whether either of those things are true or not) I can assure you it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

    I obviously don't know very much about either you, or the relationship with your boyfriend, but I can make some observations based on what you have told us in your posts:

    • You say he is a nice guy, and that you feel comfortable with him. That sounds like it's worth investing some effort in reviving things.
    • Your boyfriend has made (for a man at least) some subtle suggestions about how he would like to spice things up a little. That suggests to me that he wants to make things more exciting, and is suggesting an approach. I'm not saying it's the right approach for you, but now I would say the ball is in your court and you need to decide how to respond. By the way - just because you choose to be submissive in an S&M relationship doesn't mean you can't have your own fantasies. If you can find a way to communicate them to your boyfriend I suspect he'll love it.
    • By way of an initial response, you have registered with a BDSM board and have sought advice on this topic. This does not strike me as the action of a "boring" person. In fact I would say it's both interesting and extremely sensible.

    I appreciate that you find it difficult to talk about these things to him. Again, that's perfectly normal. The biggest single reason cited for the breakup of relationships is a breakdown in communication. So it's clearly very common for people to find it difficult to talk to each other.

    TS...I was intrigued by your choice of user name. I'm guessing it means "From Dream Storm".

    So are you dreaming of being a more exciting (stormy) person? Are you saying there's an exciting version of you locked up inside?

    Off the wall question: Your boyfriend approached you with a "male dominant fantasy". How do you think he would react if you write down a fantasy in which you are dressed in your super-heroine costume and he is the one tied up and being "interrogated" by you? I would suspect that will add a good deal of excitement to the session! And by the way...he could then "escape" and turn the tables on you. Just a thought :)

    Remember everyone has a right to happiness, but you can't expect happiness to just happen. You need to work at it.

    Try not to think about this issue as being related only to BDSM. It's basically a relationship problem.

    If this is a short-term relationship where you just want to have some fun, then I would absolutely say that you should play some mild S&M games and just enjoy it. Don't take any of it too seriously, and be prepared for both of you to look a bit silly from time to time.

    If you're looking at this as a long term relationship (and you say it's already been going on for a while) then you can still have some fun with S&M, but be aware that you need to solve your communication problems too.

    Above all - have fun and stay safe!

  9. Tempestas somniorum

    Tempestas somniorum New Member

    ^^" I blame my curiosity. Put anything in front of me that looks slightly interesting, and I /have/ to know. It's going to get me into trouble one of these days. . .

    Don't get me wrong - I'm a very opinionated person and I make clear my view points of every subject we talk about. Sex is an exclusion to this rule. :<

    My name was actually intended to mean "Storm of dreams," I apologize if I got the conjugation wrong. It's been a while since I had practice with Latin. . . And it actually derived from my birth month and a book series I followed very closely.

    He's never really approached me with any of his fantasies. :< Just trying to get me to listen to him on any aspect of BDSM has, so far, been his only goal. I don't think I could do such a fantasy as is described, I'm a rather meek person when it comes to this subject. :X
  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Stanley's giving you good advice, TS. A relationship is boring only in the people in it decide it is. If it works perfectly for them, it doesn't matter if those outside the relationship find it boring or not; what matters is those inside it. So if you think the relationship needs spicing up, or he thinks it does, then spice it up however the two of you like.

    You know he's interested in BDSM. You know that you're at least a little interested in BDSM. But he doesn't know that you know these things. So sit down and talk with him. If you're feeling shy about telling him you're interested in BDSM, use the comic as the starting point. Tell him you read it and thought it was interesting (that's a nice neutral word to start with--it tells him you weren't repulsed by it without committing you to wanting to do anything). Ask him what he thinks about it, and if he says that it turns him on, ask him which parts of it turn him on. Then tell him which parts of it turn you on and figure out which parts turn both of you on.

    All this talking about BDSM probably will get you both aroused. So do what I call a talk fantasy. Get undressed, lie down together and just talk out a fantasy. Ask him to tell you what he would do to you, and you tell him how you would react. The only rule is that you both have to go along with whatever the other suggests (no vetoing--the point is to communicate about what turns you on). As you talk, you stroke each other. After you're finished (and if it turns into regular sex at some point, that's ok), talk about what parts you liked most, which parts you might like to act out at some point, and which parts made you nervous or uncomfortable. Assuming that some things turned you both on, make a date to try just those things.
  11. Hi TS,
    Actually I think your Latin is better than mine (it has been a very long time!!). Sorry I read too much into the handle :)

    Sebastian is right about being turned on as you talk through a given fantasy. In some cases you will never actually have to "go through" with the act you're describing - just talking about it will be enough.

    If you think about how some people get hooked on Second Life, it's clear that the mind really is a very powerful erogenous zone :)

    Don't rush into it if you feel a bit self-conscious about sex talk. Again...it's perfectly normal to feel that way. And by the way - almost everyone feels a bit ermbarrassed the first time they "talk dirty" - that's why most of them wait until they are drunk!

    But if you can get into the right kind of mood...and feel safe, and not take it too seriously, it can be a lot of fun to talk dirty.

    If you feel self-conscious about doing it face to face with your boyfriend, why not try a sexy phone call, or a sexy IM session with him? By the way - flirting with a stranger is also a very common sexual fantasy. If you get into the sexy IM thing then you can pretend you're strangers.

    Don't feel you have to do any of these things, but if we're "getting warmer" with our suggestions then let us know.

  12. squibby157

    squibby157 New Member

    Hi TS,

    I understand where you're coming from. Although I have been married to my husband for almost 11 years, and we didn't have a "boring" relationship, we recently entered into an "official" D/s relationship of sorts. While I have always been the submissive type and enjoyed a certain degree of pain during sex, I've had many issues and traumas in the past that kept me from completely trusting my husband to fully dominate me. I too am intelligent and independent. I am also very attractive, successful, and curious. I think there comes a point where you can over think situations, although you are smart to do some research. (Coincidentally, this is the first place I found with very useful and helpful information.)

    I think what struck me the most is your statement that it is difficult for you to communicate your wants, needs, and curiosity. I have the same issue. While I have never been boring sexually, I am terrible and asking for what I want and expressing my desires. I feel like when I talk "kinky" it all sounds cliche' or just down right stupid coming out of my mouth. Also, if you're like me, you think that once you've put it out into the universe, it is something you're committed to or something you can never take back, and that makes a person quite vulnerable (what if they think you're a freak or use it against you later?); Especially someone with strong defenses like me. I've found with a little liquid courage and via electronic means, I am able to express my desires and fantasies with ease. In fact, there are times that I will tell my hubby (Master) that he should go to his computer, or he will ask me a question and I will literally text the answer back even though I am sitting across the couch from him. I don't know if this will help you, but it has certainly helped me! I am beginning to be more comfortable with verbally expressing what I want, which is awesome.

    I will say that although it took quite some time to get to this place where I completely submit to someone, since we made that change and shifted our roles, I wouldn't change it for the world. I realize how much time and thought go into being a dom as well as a very high level of respect for me. Being a dom requires that person to be attentive to your thoughts, needs, and desires as well as reading your facial expressions and body language. I have to say that I am closer to my husband than ever. But enough about me...

    Try some non face to face communication and some that is somewhat non-committal (talk about hypothetical situations, etc.). Then, slowly start to transfer it to the bedroom. If role play is a little too much right now, then start with prolonged foreplay and asking for him to be a little more rough than you or ask him to be more commanding like telling you to suck his cock, etc. It will come with time. I wish you luck in your endeavors! If this is something you truly are deep down, once you find it and accept it, you will wonder why you weren't doing it a long time ago! :)

    Best wishes!

  13. Tempestas somniorum

    Tempestas somniorum New Member

    Maybe I shouldn't say boring specifically. . . But it seems to be lacking something. It's not trust, because I do trust him. It just seems like we're missing something. . .

    I don't think I could do what you suggest, sebastian. X_X It's too open and personal. What if he starts going on about something that I find completely disgusting? (He's a trolly-guy. . . So he probably doesn't even find it arousing, he just wants to see my reaction when he mentions something gross. Like scat-play. O.x And telling him to be serious has never worked. . . >>)

    And I do think you guys are getting warmer. ^^ The entire topic is less hard to think about without freaking out, which is good.

    And squibby, that's a lot like me. ^^" I'll try using IM to communicate tonight, he gets off of work here shortly, soo. . . Yeah. :<
  14. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    BDSM is by its nature personal. It's about sharing what really arouses you with your partner. It helps build a bond between dom and sub. But to get to that place, you need to be honest and genuine. You need to find the courage to go out on a limb, because that's where the fruit is.

    I know that sounds scary, but you can do it.
  15. Hi TS,

    >>What if he starts going on about something that I find completely disgusting?

    Your reply is "Do you think you can turn me on by trying to shock me? You need to be a bit more creative than that. But believe me, it'll be worth the effort."

    Seriously, you need to understand that he is stuggling to communicate his fantasies also. Put yourself into his position for a second. He may have been dropping hints for a while, and (from his perspective) he is not seeing a reaction from you that he considers to be positive. This may be because you were grossed out by something he said and you chose to ignore it, rather than confront him. He took that as "no reaction", and he decided to dial up the intensity.

    You have every right to be grossed out - and if you are then you need to tell him. Part of the objective of your communication should be to tell him what your comfortable limits are.

    Consent needs to be for both psychological and physical play.

    If you try IM communication and he grosses you out, you need to tell him to dial it back. If he doesn't then quit the session - even if you're in the same room as him!

    Let me tell you I have pretty wide tastes in BDSM, and scat play is definitely not on my list of turn-ons! I think most people on this board would agree that it's at the more extreme end of BDSM play.

    A great philosopher once said..."let's start at the very beginning...it's a very good place to start."


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