Tempestas somniorum
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Sooo. . . This is going to be a decently lengthed post. I'm going to try and leave out unnecessary details and summarize as best as possible, but I've never been concise, let alone when I'm as confused and generally panicky as I am right now. . .
For the longest time, and this is extremely important, I was the "virgin girl." And I mean 21 years' time. By this title, I don't simply mean I abstained from sex - I mean I didn't touch the subject with a 50' pole and I was genuinely terrified of it all. I still don't get those immature jokes people my age make and most comments. However, my knowledge of a vast majority of "things" in this area is greater than any of my friends' knowledge - at least in theory.
Kind of recently, I finally trusted my long-time boyfriend enough to "do the deed." Since then, however, he's been not really pushing me towards BDSM, but been talking about it more and more and been trying to bring up the topic around me more often. While I never criticized any life style choices or anything, I was always extremely weary of this particular topic. Extremely weary. I've expressed my opinion every time he's brought it up and he always backs off temporarily before starting to talk about it again. I've already caught myself in an existential crisis with the whole vanilla aspect of everything, I didn't need to think about this whole area as well.
The night before last my boyfriend brought up a web comic kind of thing he'd stumbled across. . . Sunstone, if anyone's heard of it. When he first stated it was a BDSM-related story, I wrote it off as simple PWP, but he pressed the issue saying that the characters were well-developed and the story was good. While I was able to write it off for the moment, my curiosity started to get the better of me and I originally reasoned that I just wanted to know the name. That's it. Just the name. And then last night he linked me Chapter 1 of the story and then another link with a bunch of pictures of outfits telling me that I would find them adorable. . .
And, after sitting there and debating for a full hour on whether or not to read it, I clicked the link telling myself that I wanted to just see the art style. . . And then I read the first page. And I clicked for the next page and read it. The next thing I know, I've read the entire first chapter and am looking for the second. Queue a second break as I try to reason out me reading more and more of the story before saying screw it and just reading chapter 2 and what was posted of chapter 3.
Now where my confusion and uncertainty comes in. . . I'd never thought about what went on in BDSM until that comic. I mean, yes, I thought about what happened as a by-stander's point of view, but not what happened from the participants' perspective. It was always just me thinking, "Sure, the Dom gets what he or she wants, but the sub is left being subjected to things he or she may not normally think of doing and (s)he's just doing it because the arousal levels are too high for clear thinking." Which prompted more research into the points of view the participants have and, at least seemingly, Sunstone's got it pretty down-pat.
I've always been a curious person but I don't think I could emotionally handle anything near a BDSM situation. Even if I could, I have no way of communicating my curiosity because every time I attempt to talk about even buying condoms my voice catches in my throat and I completely seize up with a feeling of dread. But every time I think about what might happen if I do let my boyfriend enact a BDSM scene, I have this horrible, nagging feeling of curiosity and want and general excitement along with a feeling of dread.
I don't know what I'm asking specifically, but I guess I want to know if anyone knows something I could do or say or just something to help me figure out what I'm trying to think or maybe unstick my throat and get rid of this feeling of lead in my stomach or something. . . ;~;
For the longest time, and this is extremely important, I was the "virgin girl." And I mean 21 years' time. By this title, I don't simply mean I abstained from sex - I mean I didn't touch the subject with a 50' pole and I was genuinely terrified of it all. I still don't get those immature jokes people my age make and most comments. However, my knowledge of a vast majority of "things" in this area is greater than any of my friends' knowledge - at least in theory.
Kind of recently, I finally trusted my long-time boyfriend enough to "do the deed." Since then, however, he's been not really pushing me towards BDSM, but been talking about it more and more and been trying to bring up the topic around me more often. While I never criticized any life style choices or anything, I was always extremely weary of this particular topic. Extremely weary. I've expressed my opinion every time he's brought it up and he always backs off temporarily before starting to talk about it again. I've already caught myself in an existential crisis with the whole vanilla aspect of everything, I didn't need to think about this whole area as well.
The night before last my boyfriend brought up a web comic kind of thing he'd stumbled across. . . Sunstone, if anyone's heard of it. When he first stated it was a BDSM-related story, I wrote it off as simple PWP, but he pressed the issue saying that the characters were well-developed and the story was good. While I was able to write it off for the moment, my curiosity started to get the better of me and I originally reasoned that I just wanted to know the name. That's it. Just the name. And then last night he linked me Chapter 1 of the story and then another link with a bunch of pictures of outfits telling me that I would find them adorable. . .
And, after sitting there and debating for a full hour on whether or not to read it, I clicked the link telling myself that I wanted to just see the art style. . . And then I read the first page. And I clicked for the next page and read it. The next thing I know, I've read the entire first chapter and am looking for the second. Queue a second break as I try to reason out me reading more and more of the story before saying screw it and just reading chapter 2 and what was posted of chapter 3.
Now where my confusion and uncertainty comes in. . . I'd never thought about what went on in BDSM until that comic. I mean, yes, I thought about what happened as a by-stander's point of view, but not what happened from the participants' perspective. It was always just me thinking, "Sure, the Dom gets what he or she wants, but the sub is left being subjected to things he or she may not normally think of doing and (s)he's just doing it because the arousal levels are too high for clear thinking." Which prompted more research into the points of view the participants have and, at least seemingly, Sunstone's got it pretty down-pat.
I've always been a curious person but I don't think I could emotionally handle anything near a BDSM situation. Even if I could, I have no way of communicating my curiosity because every time I attempt to talk about even buying condoms my voice catches in my throat and I completely seize up with a feeling of dread. But every time I think about what might happen if I do let my boyfriend enact a BDSM scene, I have this horrible, nagging feeling of curiosity and want and general excitement along with a feeling of dread.
I don't know what I'm asking specifically, but I guess I want to know if anyone knows something I could do or say or just something to help me figure out what I'm trying to think or maybe unstick my throat and get rid of this feeling of lead in my stomach or something. . . ;~;
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