A little worried

gdblack · Oct 16, 2009

Ok, so here's the deal. I've found an online community that has a large and immersive group of people into the lifestyle. It was through them that I discovered who and what I was, and I have been learning quickly. I have had a lot of help along the way, from someone who's very important to me, and she helped me realize that not only is this the right lifestyle for me (finally found it after years of fighting against my nature) but that I'm a dominant (works out great since she's submissive). Well, we've developed a relationship online. We "play" over the computer, role play scenes, punishments, etc. We've discussed the possibility of exploring what we have in real life rather than limiting it to online. But, my concern is that she's been in the lifestyle for 10 years, and I've only been in it for a few months. I have no practicle, hands on experience. Any suggestions where I could at least "book learn" it?

george_brooks59 · Oct 17, 2009

Best way to learn is by doing.

GreyMac · Oct 17, 2009

If she's as experienced as you think she is, and if you don't know her preferences by now, and if you don't discuss this at some length first, (all of which I strongly recomend) then she will probably find a way to 'top from the bottom" a little bit to help you get going and find your own style. It's really not critical that you be the best, just try your best.

I recently almost missed something wonderful because I was not paying enough attention.

The single most important thing you can do as a new Dom is to pay very careful attention to your sub at all times. Her tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, all will tell you how you're doing. Use a safeword or safetoy and stop immediately if it's used. Otherwise do what feels right and feels good. Threats of punishment must be followed through without reserve, and reward good behavior, too. Aftercare is important to subs in general, but with fem subs it is extremely important.

Nina Hartly and her husband/Dom of many years have a series of DVDs out that deal well with starting out in this lifestyle, you can find some of them free on line at the adult section of sites like youTube and metacafe, etc. Search Google Video for Nina Hartly BDSM, (or dominant, submissive and so forth) and you should get some ideas of how to put together a good first scene. Then take what you learn from the first scene to create a second one.

Good luck! You have an intriguing story, I'm sure I speak for others when I say we'd certainly like to hear how it turns out.

bluelagoon1988 · Oct 18, 2009

I'd have to agree with everything that greymac said...I don't really have anything to add to it actually which is rare with me.

Also, I'd like to stress just how important aftercare is. If you break it, you mend it. I learned that the hard way. I was broken once and not mended, it was really brutal emotionally and ruined everything unfortunately. Encouragement and rewards are just as important as punishments, I absolutely live for being told I'm a good girl and more often than not, I will do something sooner to hear that than I would to avoid a punishment.

I speak only for myself of course but I think it might ring true for a lot of subs....we want to please. That's kind of our game. Even the bratty ones, (me!) we push limits and are defiant when we aren't getting the control we need or when we need to find our boundaries. I push really hard but only until the point of actually disappointing my dom, then I stop immediately. I hate disappointing. I am ok with being naughty and deserving a punishment but actually disappointing my dom crushes me.

A little worried

gdblack

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george_brooks59

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GreyMac

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bluelagoon1988

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