will it hurt a sub if she wont know me?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by seeker, Jul 11, 2011.

  1. seeker

    seeker New Member

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    lately i thought finding myself a relationship with a sub, though i want to control her from afar, she will probably never see me, only talk to me through technological instruments. i believe i can create a great adventure for any sub who really want's to dedicate 100% of herself to someone and i even have the whole thing planed and well detailed too.

    the thing is: i don't what to hurt anyone, that's why i came here for your opinion.

    how can i create a relationship that wont hurt the sub, and she will KNOW we wont be together, though i will always be somewhere watching her.

    i am afraid of her getting attached and become addicted not only to the control i inflict on her but also about me. though she wont see me, she will desire to, and will be in much pain for it.

    i truly have no intention hurting anyone, therefor i am trying to plan this whole thing beforehand.

    i will be very glad having your opinion on this subject.

    thanks, the seeker.
  2. chaoticist

    chaoticist New Member

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    Be open about not wanting a longer-term thing, or real life meeting. If they get into the online thing with you, remind them regularly of this, and make sure they don't get too attached. Subs are responsible adults too, they are capable of handling themselves and don't need to be babied.

    There's always a risk of attachment - same is true in vanilla relationships, and how do you know YOU won't get more attached than you expected, and be the one who ends up hurt? No risk, no reward. There is no such thing as zero risk of hurt feelings when it comes to relationships.

    So IMO, just take reasonable precautions, be open and honest about what you want and how you are and how you'll act, and that is all you can do. The rest is up to the person you find, they are responsible for handling their own feelings, you can help them but you can't stop them making mistakes if that's what they choose to do.
  3. seeker

    seeker New Member

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    thanks for your comment again :)

    i understand that they are grown men, yet i know myself therefor, i know i can stay out of attachment and mainly looking for long term relationship. and at the long run i am afraid none of the subs will be able to endure such relationship. that's why i am asking you guys about it :)

    i had some experience with those kind of relationship, yet they always end up severely hurting the other side, the "sub" which where just another strait in my case (i never looked for real sub yet) got hurt bad, while knowing that i will never be able to be actual part of there life. that kind of relationship brings them through a lot of pain :(

    i was wondering if any of you ever did anything like that and can speak through his own experience. (distant relationship with your sub) again, thanks for your help :)
  4. HisFox

    HisFox Member

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    Adding to your own thoughts and what chaoticist have said, I think it's better for you to try to find a person, who is interested in the same as you are, e.g. entierly D/s relationship. Maybe someone who is in a relationship in real life, but needs some distraction or wants to explore her submissive side. It is true that noone is 100% protected from getting attached and hurt, but to my mind you should be very careful, as usually women are more inclined to getting feelings towards the ones they are dealing with. Besides, we have a huge imagination potentioal, so even in reality we like to add some unexisting features to men :D

    Good luck!
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    I don't think you can plan a relationship out ahead of time. Even for a dom, a relationship is going grow organically out of the unpredictable chemistry of those involved. You need to be open to whatever direction the dynamic takes you in (although, of course, within whatever limits you have on it--so if this is going to be a short-term NSA relationship, than you work within those limits).

    I agree with chaoticist; be honest about not wanting a permanent relationship, be consistent about it, and make sure that the sub understands. Yes, the sub might imagine that you'll change your mind, but you can't really control that. And as chaoticist said, subs are adults who are responsible for their actions.

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