why does it hurt(in a bad way)

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by MeatballSub, Dec 29, 2011.

  1. MeatballSub

    MeatballSub New Member

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    My boyfriend and I recently got into bdsm, and it's been awesome. Sex before used to hurt like hell for me, so these past weeks have been like heaven. But now it's starting to hurt again, so much that I start to cry and have to call it off. I am a sub, btw, and humiliation turns me on very much, but now all I can think of is how much it's going to hurt(in a bad way) and how much I don't want it to.

    Does anyone have any idea why this happens and how to get rid of it? Any thoughts at all on the subject would be greatly appreciated.
  2. JettOnly

    JettOnly Member

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    I would go to your doctor

    I can think of a couple of reasons why it might not have hurt

    If you were doing lots of pain play your endorphins may have temp killed the pain
    But that dosent mean you were not still being hurt

    If you were super turned on then you become bigger inside and your cervix is less likely to being hit by him

    But its not supposed to hurt
  3. MeatballSub

    MeatballSub New Member

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    I recently got a psychologist because of this, it's been like this for almost seven years, and I thought the problem was that I've been having regular sex when I'm not really turned on by it. I don't understand it, stuff that used to really turn me on just a couple of days ago, doesn't seem to work anymore. And then I feel ashamed and depressed and awful.

    My boyfriend likes pain play, I like the humiliating part of it, but now more than ever it just puts me off and makes me think of the sex pain and how it must feel like real rape of something :/
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    You haven't really given us much info to go on. Let me ask you a few questions?

    1) When you say hurt, do you mean physical pain, or emotional pain?
    2) Where is the pain? Is it in your vagina (I think you're a woman) or somewhere else?
    3) When does the pain start? Does it start before he penetrates you, the moment he begins to penetrate you, or at some other point after he's started penetration?
    4) Are you doing pain play unrelated to the pain you're talking about? In other words, if the pain is your genitals, has he been spanking you, or torturing your tits?
    5) Do you have a history of sexual trauma, or some form of infection or injury to your vagina?

    I'm not a medical doctor, but if you can answer these questions, we can at least help you rule out a few possibilities and maybe give you something to help you talk with a physician or therapist.
  5. MeatballSub

    MeatballSub New Member

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    ok, let's see:

    1&2) It's physical, superficial(the entrance of my vagina, yeah I'm a girl) and deep, like I'm too tight and not "big" enough.
    3) It starts when he penetrates me, even when he uses his finger.
    4) we do light pain play, spanking, nipple twisting, sometimes hot wax which I love, but never near or on the genitals.
    5) I've had a lot of bladder infections since started having sex, once when I was sixteen I had a very unpleasant gynecological examination, and now seven years later I can't go to the gynecologist without crying and hyperventilating.
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2011
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Ok. Keeping in mind that I'm not a medical doctor of any sort, and keeping in mind that I'm queer and have precisely zero experience with lady bits, here's what I think:

    This doesn't sound psychological (or at least not primarily psychological--you might have developed some anxiety around penetration because it's painful, but I don't think it's painful because you have anxiety). I think you have something physically wrong down there. I have no idea if it might be scarring from an infection or because your vagina is too tight or some sort of congenital defect, but it seems like it's actually a problem with your lady bits.

    So go to a gynecologist and explain the problem and see what s/he has to say. I realize that this might be scary, if you've had a bad experience with a previous exam, but this is your physical health you're dealing with, and also your ability to have a satisfying sex life. Neither of those is something to neglect because you're nervous about seeing a obgyn. Most obgyns should be reasonably receptive to you saying you're scared, and they should be able to put you at ease, or at least try to do so. You don't need to explain that you're into bdsm, but explain that penetration is painful for you, and you're fairly certain something is wrong physically.

    Discussing sexual matters with doctors can be embarrassing and awkward, but remember, you're the client and the doctor is there to meet your needs. You have a right to expect your doctor will be polite, considerate, and willing to listen to whatever concerns and symptoms you have. You're paying him/her (indirectly, through your HMO or whatever), and he/she has an obligation to behave professionally. Do not let your anxieties or your timidity get you to leave before you've discussed the problem to your satisfaction; don't let the doctor go until you feel s/he's heard you, s/he's explained what she thinks the issue is and s/he's proposed a treatment or further tests.

    Older doctors may tend to brush off discussion of sexual problems, or may be brusque, but younger doctors should be trained in how to discuss these things sensitively. Some doctors intentionally try to intimidate their patients into being compliant, but most these days are past that 'the doctor is always right' idea.

    I have a PhD, and I always pay attention when I meet a doctor for the first time. If the doctor walks in and says 'I'm Dr X', I always say 'Hi, I'm Dr. Y'. It always startles them--I do it to make clear that I think I'm their equal. Fortunately, most doctors I meet these days come in and say "Hi, I'm Jane Smith", and I always say "Hi, I'm Sebastian." The only one I had to throw my title out for was a bona fide asshole. My point is, I rarely have to use my title. Most of my doctors treat me like an equal right from the start, and I find ways to push on the ones who don't. So, even though it's hard, it's your sexual health; you have to be proactive and take charge with your obgyn. Good luck!
  7. TerribleT

    TerribleT Member

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    Are you using lubrication? Dry sex hurts and will make you raw. I would give it a rest (a week maybe) and start over...with liberal amounts of lube.
    I would see the quack if I were you. Find a female ObGyn and pop a Xanax.

    Best of luck.
  8. MeatballSub

    MeatballSub New Member

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    Thank you guys so much, this helps a lot :)

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