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Ok. Keeping in mind that I'm not a medical doctor of any sort, and keeping in mind that I'm queer and have precisely zero experience with lady bits, here's what I think:
This doesn't sound psychological (or at least not primarily psychological--you might have developed some anxiety around penetration because it's painful, but I don't think it's painful because you have anxiety). I think you have something physically wrong down there. I have no idea if it might be scarring from an infection or because your vagina is too tight or some sort of congenital defect, but it seems like it's actually a problem with your lady bits.
So go to a gynecologist and explain the problem and see what s/he has to say. I realize that this might be scary, if you've had a bad experience with a previous exam, but this is your physical health you're dealing with, and also your ability to have a satisfying sex life. Neither of those is something to neglect because you're nervous about seeing a obgyn. Most obgyns should be reasonably receptive to you saying you're scared, and they should be able to put you at ease, or at least try to do so. You don't need to explain that you're into bdsm, but explain that penetration is painful for you, and you're fairly certain something is wrong physically.
Discussing sexual matters with doctors can be embarrassing and awkward, but remember, you're the client and the doctor is there to meet your needs. You have a right to expect your doctor will be polite, considerate, and willing to listen to whatever concerns and symptoms you have. You're paying him/her (indirectly, through your HMO or whatever), and he/she has an obligation to behave professionally. Do not let your anxieties or your timidity get you to leave before you've discussed the problem to your satisfaction; don't let the doctor go until you feel s/he's heard you, s/he's explained what she thinks the issue is and s/he's proposed a treatment or further tests.
Older doctors may tend to brush off discussion of sexual problems, or may be brusque, but younger doctors should be trained in how to discuss these things sensitively. Some doctors intentionally try to intimidate their patients into being compliant, but most these days are past that 'the doctor is always right' idea.
I have a PhD, and I always pay attention when I meet a doctor for the first time. If the doctor walks in and says 'I'm Dr X', I always say 'Hi, I'm Dr. Y'. It always startles them--I do it to make clear that I think I'm their equal. Fortunately, most doctors I meet these days come in and say "Hi, I'm Jane Smith", and I always say "Hi, I'm Sebastian." The only one I had to throw my title out for was a bona fide asshole. My point is, I rarely have to use my title. Most of my doctors treat me like an equal right from the start, and I find ways to push on the ones who don't. So, even though it's hard, it's your sexual health; you have to be proactive and take charge with your obgyn. Good luck!
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