What am I?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Stranger101, Mar 2, 2012.

  1. Stranger101

    Stranger101 New Member


    My boyfriend and I haven't been into bondage and dominance long, but it seems as though I prefer being a sub. I absolutely hate taking control and tend to be shy about talking about things like this with him. BUT I won't often willingly let him tie me up, I enjoy the struggle almost as much as the actual experience.

    Does this mean that I am a sub or is there some term I don't know about yet?

    Also, my boyfriend seems to be a switch, though I know that I hate the dominating side of it - a massive turn off when he doesn't act 'like a man', to be a little bit sexist (sorry!). How can I make him happy without having to despise the whole experience making myself be dom?

    Help! D:
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  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I don't really have advice for you, but it isn't unusual for a submissive to like the struggle part of the power exchange. You don't have to label yourself, but if you think you're a sub, that doesn't stop it.
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  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    You're a feisty sub. A lot of gay subs like to be subdued before they really submit. Some switches even use a rule that says that you need to force them into submission; if they get the upper hand they get to dom you.
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  4. Stranger101

    Stranger101 New Member

    Thanks, guys! :)

    Sebastian, "A lot of gay subs like to be subdued before they really submit". I'm assuming that's the same for straight people too?

    And to anyone... is it normal to be bossy and get your own way in general life, but 'behind the scenes' be a sub, even if a feisty sub?

    (Sorry for all of the questions, people... I've never really spoken to anyone about these things before, this website is a wonder for me!)
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  5. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I think it is, but I think Sebby's definitely more experienced with gay subs.

    And we just had a thread on that, Stranger. It's totally normal for one to be submissive in the bedroom and dominant outside. Likewise, it's normal for people who're quiet and subdued in real life to take control in the bedroom
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  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    For many BDSMers, kink is about experiencing the opposite side of the personality they normally present to people. I'm very easy-going, friendly, giving, and understanding. So it's a real pleasure for me when I have an opportunity to be rude, demanding, pushy, and condescending to a guy. And my favorite subs are masculine guys that no one would guess were submissive.
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  7. Stranger101

    Stranger101 New Member

    That's amazing, I never would have thought of it! It's unusual that that's plugged into our sexual nature. I suppose the satisfaction would come from knowing that they submit only to you compared the persona they have in everyday life.

    Do either of you have any unusual, I suppose, activities that you've experienced that could be worth trying? I'm really keen to delve into BDSM further, but bit by bit.
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  8. Knots

    Knots Member

    Yeah, I've met both male and female subs who like to be "beaten".
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  9. Mss Tara Indiana

    Mss Tara Indiana New Member

    Not at all unusual for a sub to like to be "forced" to submit" you may be what called a "SAM", but I don't see enough other accompanying behaviors yet, or it may be to soon in your development for you to have manifested them. A "SAM" is a smart assed masochist. A sam will intentionally do things and or "fuck up" to get punished or to get the negative attention of their Top. Could be sassy talk, talking back, making mistakes, struggling, any number or range of behaviors to get punished, tied up, etc. To soon to tell.

    As to you do not respect your partner when they want to take the submissive role, not seeing him as "a man", this is a significant problem. VERY. You need to ask yourself how important this relationship is to you. Do you see marriage or a long term relationship here otherwise? If so, you may want to seek a scene friendly therapist that also practices CBT or better DBT and or somatic therapy.

    Also, if your are not the jealous types, you may want to work with a Prod-domme is a session capacity who can perhaps do some Mistress / master training in a hands on way with you and help you work on your issues and see if you can both get some skills and find a happy medium in you love life.

    In both scenarios, make sure you do your research thoroughly and find people that are the TOP in their respective fields. To find scene friendly therapist one resource (but not the only resource is TES.org

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