Tips on Domimance and Control

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by AlexDom, May 9, 2012.

  1. AlexDom

    AlexDom New Member

    I've been involved in the lifestyle in ever increasing degrees for about six years now. Until this point, everything has been about the physical play with little delving into actual dominance and submission. Dominating someone doesn't really come naturally to me, but I've reached a point where I really want a d/s relationship. The problem is it seems like female subs interested in a d/s relationship want someone already very experienced or at least someone who is willing to start treating like they're in service when they've barely met. I come from the "nice guy" side of things though, and I have a hard time exerting dominance until I'm sure consent is given.

    Does anyone have any tips for getting past this? How do you deal with subs who expect you to prove your dominance before you even negotiate anything? I've just ordered a couple books that I hope will help me with d/s stuff in general, just wondering if anyone has any specific advice for giving a dominance vibe in the initial meeting.
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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    This is definitely the most challenging element of BDSM. BDSM requires negotiation, so make this part of your negotiation. Make it clear to your potential sub that you would like to establish a power exchange relationship, but part of what you need is their patience as you learn how to be confident in your dominance. So explain that you're not in a position to simply take control and force them to submit--you need them to co-operate to build the relationship. If they want that feeling of being forced, offer to play out scenes that more explicitly about forcing the sub.
  3. Kor

    Kor Member

    You don't have to be rude, or forceful, or domineering, or scary to be dominant. Nor do you have to be inflexible, or always right, or without concern for your submissive's feelings, goals, or desires.

    Not that any of those don't have their place, but they're just social tools.
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  4. AlexDom

    AlexDom New Member

    I realize that, I was merely communicating where I'm coming from in the hopes that someone might understand my difficulties, possibly better than me. If I thought I needed to be like that, I wouldn't be ready to try d/s. :)
  5. Hi Alex,
    I tend to sub these days, but I started out as a Dom in BDSM.

    In those days there wasn't the same level of expectation from subs, because BDSM was still very new. In fact, partly because I tended to meet ladies who were a little older and wiser, they actually appreciated the fact that would be honest and open about how the games would unfold.

    One of the simple tips I could give you if you have a period of planning a meeting with your sub is to play at writing a simple story or scene by email in the days or weeks before your live meeting. Get her to contribute ideas about what she would like.

    This is fun even if you don't actually meet physically, and can be the basis of some great sexy phone calls.

    At the time I was a Dom, the X-Files was really popular, and the lady I was seeing bore a passing resemblance to Dana Sculley (red hair, American lady, athletic body).

    Since we usually saw each other on business trips, "Dana" would have a business suit anyway. And we started to use the idea of her being captured by the bad guys, and (very slowly) interrogated.

    The great thing about interrogation scenes is that you get an automatic safeword - because you're asking the sub to tell you information.

    Usually we chose three things she had to tell me, so she could take more than one break from the scene.

    The actual "torture" was pretty mild by today's standards, but one incident still makes me laugh.

    She'd bought a home waxing kit, and suggested I give her a Brazilian while she was tied up. I'd never done anything like that, but I read the instructions carefully and because I'd built up the psychological tension she said it was the least painful waxing she'd ever experienced. So far, so good.

    But it still made her scream when I pulled the strip away at one point, and we were in a hotel room near Vienna airport for this "meeting". She wasn't gagged because I needed her to tell me whatever information I was trying to get out of her.

    One of the guests must have heard us and called the manager, and it was quite an embarrassing explanation since neither of us spoke much German. It also didn't help that we both had our own rooms (we were on a business trip), so there shouldn't have been two people in that particular hotel room that night. Luckily we didn't tend to use actualy bondage - I always asked "Dana" to imagine she was tied up.

    A lot of the explanation took place with the door to the room open, with the two of us wearing the complementary bathrobes from the closet. Several other guests came out to see what was going on.

    Needless to say breakfast in the restaurant the next morning was great fun. "Dana" wanted to skip it, but I made her come down with me. She had the cutest way of blushing :)

    Anyway - my point is that this kind of formal scene might help you out. So pick a storyline...

    - Evil interrogator
    - Dominant school master
    - Mad scientist doing some bizarre medical experiment
    - Boss and naughty secretary

    The possibilities are endless - and it works best if the scene resonates with your sub.

    I hope this helps.

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  6. AlexDom

    AlexDom New Member

    I appreciate the advice, Stanley, but you seem to have missed my point. I'm looking more for advice on how to attract someone than what to do after I have them. I'm reasonably confident in my ability to be a dom, just not in my ability to convey that ability.
  7. Sorry if you thought I went off topic :)

    I don't know if I'm over-simplifying things but "attracting" a sub isn't that different from attracting any member of the opposite sex.

    I'm crap at "the chat up" in bars. I tend to prefer meeting people in quieter situations, and over longer periods. But whenever one person engages another in conversation there's a point at which they decide if they like each other.

    In your case that "like" aspect includes D&S, so you need to choose a "target rich environment" for yourself so you don't waste too much time.

    You can use the internet, or you can find clubs in your area that specialize.

    I assume you know all this, so I guess you're asking how you appear confident enough to attract a sub, but also honest enough to tell her that you need to "explore the power exchange rules" together.

    That's why I suggested the game scenarios.

    You've made an interesting statement - that you feel your inexperience as a Dom is a turn-off to a sub. This is probably true these days, when all young people seem to need instant gratification.

    Have you considered using an online dating service, and looking for a slightly older lady who would have a more sensible world view?

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  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I'd suggest starting with BDSM dating sites--the Newcomer's FAQ lists some to look at. Also find your local munch. If you live in a larger city, there will be one there; if you live in a smaller community, your closest major city should have one. You can find them online if you google 'munch' and the name of the city. Munches are vanilla--they are social gatherings, often help at coffeeshops, food courts, or bars. There's no play there, and people dress in fairly discrete clothing. So just show up and watch the discussion and introduce yourself to the organizer as someone new. They'll help you from there.
  9. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

    It's good to see that in my prolonged absence Sebastian has been carrying on the tradition of giving thoughtful and useful information. I think He hit the nail right on the head when he suggested you check out some BDSM Dating sites, but on that same note, research research research. There are good ones and there are bad ones out there. Don't be afraid to be honest about what your really looking for, as most people are often a little flustered on the topic, you should mind most BDSM'ers to be patient and expecting you to know what you want or at least have a vague idea. In other words Don't beat around the bush on your profile, but don't be overly blunt and rude either.
    If you feel up to a public meeting in a casual setting a Munch is definitely the way to go. I've noticed that as the LGBT community has become more forefront with its current civil rights struggle, the Leather and Bondage crowd has also joined in, which means more and more groups are coming out of the cellars so to speak and into the light. We shouldn't be so afraid of how we live and express our love and desires, love is love.
    Just remember to be yourself. Be honest with yourself, and what you want, and don't be afraid to share that with the right person. When the time is right for you to blossom you'll know it, and I'm sure that In time you'll find the right group or partner to fit your needs.
  10. AlexDom

    AlexDom New Member

    I'm actually on My experiences there is what prompted this thread. Though that site seems to have gone downhill since I used it last 5 or 6 years ago.
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Sparrow: Thanks for the compliment! Glad to see you back.

    Alex: In my experience, is a money sink. I don't use it. I've had a lot of success on gay sites like Recon and Manhunt. I can't give you much guidance if you're straight, but Collarme seems decent.

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