Where to Find Subs/When to End It

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by MainMan, Jun 15, 2011.

  1. MainMan

    MainMan New Member

    So I've found out that I get a huge thrill out of psychological domination, not so much caring for the inflicting pain, beating, etc. and have taken up two long distance subs online.
    Since then, I've found neither one responds much, follows punishments properly, or follows many rules properly either. It's become annoying and disheartening.

    I've since looked at collarme and found that most of the women there are either much older, have man-hating issues, talk about "fakes", or want a man that will beat them short of bloody. I've messaged many about possible long distance play and a couple have replied no interest, most have no reply at all. Locally the pickings are very thin there as well.

    So then, there's my situation.
    My question is at what point should I realize when the relationship is not going to work out and cut my losses? Anyone with experience about that who have general guidelines to follow there?
    Also where is a good place to find people that will play with someone new to the scene, willing to play long distance, and is willing to give some honest replies about how it's going?

    I really appreciate any help with this.
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Long-distance play requires a lot of trust building, for exactly the reasons you describe. It becomes very frustrating for a dom to feel that he is being ignored; it defeats the whole purpose of being a dom. So if you sense that your sub is ignoring you, you need to have a very honest conversation. Many subs like being dommed when it suits them and not when it suits the dom. These subs are essentially using the dom to meet their submissive needs and not focusing on the dom's needs, which is what a good healthy sub does. Your sub may simply not be thinking about your need to feel dominant.

    So talk to your sub and explain what you are dissatisfied with. Explain what you need in order for you to feel dominant and respected. Ask the sub very frankly if she is willing to do what you need. If she is not, or if you don't feel that her answer suggests that she's serious, then simply release the sub and wish her luck finding a new dom. BDSM works best when dom and sub adhere to a few rituals, including giving a training collar to symbolize the start of the relationship and the removal of the collar at the end of the relationship. This provides a clear-cut boundary to the relationship.
  3. MainMan

    MainMan New Member

    That's some really good advice. I didn't consider that my sub would be using me for her interests without a desire to please me as well. I will definitely keep that in mind.

    And how about any tips on where to look for decent subs that are starter friendly? It's not fun seeing a woman talk about 10 years of sub experience and getting quite a bit of intimidation from it as well as usually getting poor replies for not meeting her already experienced interests.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Keep in mind that some subs are deeply selfish. There was a very submissive guy I used to chat with online because we both enjoyed verbal abuse. He would contact me and we'd chat for up to an hour a day, with me abusing him. But I started getting tired of doing this every night, so after literally months of this sort of play, one week when I was fairly busy I dismissed him very early two days in a row (after about 10 minutes of chat). The second time his response was "ok. I won't contact you any more." He was using me to meet his needs, but despite being very submissive superficially, the moment I deviated from what he wanted, he got upset. So be aware that submissiveness does not always a sign of wanting to serve a master.

    I guess I would explain to an experienced sub that you are new to domming and need a lot of guidance. There are more doms than subs, so many subs are willing to take the time to help train a dom if it means that they will get access to a quality dom in the end. Obviously there are challenges to that--it's awkward for a dom to take instruction from a sub. But you might try playing, and then asking the sub " What did I do right? What could I have done better? What was your favorite part What should I have done more or less of?" Alternately, ask them to introduce you to a quality dom and then ask if you can watch a session or co-dom under the other dom's guidance. Even just talking with an experienced dom may help you.

    Remember that even experienced subs want to submit. So the sub is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. If something goes wrong, act like it was intentional (unless it was obviously a screw up like tripping or hurting the sub in a not good way) and then see if the sub mentions the mistake in the aftercare discussion. You might be surprised. I've had subs tell me that things I screwed up or did without thinking about were things they thought I had planned out for particular effect.
  5. MainMan

    MainMan New Member

    Thanks your your replies. It's been extremely helpful.
    I've been making sure to mention from the start that my sub is to provide feedback, which largely is left unmet so far. Sometimes I will ask their opinion of the experience. If it was good, bad, what could have been better, what worked well, etc. This has left me with little feedback and I'm considering discontinuing any new tasks or demands until I do get some proper feedback about it. I did find with one sub that telling her that our play was to be discontinued for 24 hours so she could decide if she really did wish to serve me that she came back following rules well today and has sworn to continue to follow them (and so far without too much issue).

    I've also requested a camera or webcam from each so I can expand my options as well as get proof of them following tasks, disciplines, and punishments. This has been met with mild excuses, but no outright issue (at least not mentioned to me) about being ON webcam/camera. Either way, I'm now tempted to discontinue play until a camera/webcam is had soon. Is asking for this unreasonable? I did let one know that she does not have to perform sexually on it, only that I can see proof of other tasks being done (she was punished by having to write 50 times, by hand "This slave will obey her Master.").

    I'm tempted to take up the idea of other subs that seem more experienced. I'm also concerned about the age gap (I'm 25, many I've seen are closer to 40) and if that makes it difficult for submission to a younger man. Either way, I'm going to be more adventurous about the option and check it out today.
  6. kajmir

    kajmir Member

    With respect, I'd like to suggest that it SEEMS from what you have said, these sub's just want to get off. You might consider taking the time and energy (No this is not an attempt at rude sarcasm) to find someone who is a bit more then "just a sub".

    For me personally and I am sure not all will agree, but I never go passed a session or 2 without someone who invokes some deeper feelings. I'm not talking falling in love, but -I- have found it's much more pleasant to play and want to continue playing with someone who I can like as a friend and a Maste/Top. I stick with someone who I can like beyond just their dominance...

    Also and I think this is really important, not all sub's are 24/7. As for cam'ing being unreasonable? No. I'm not a true Sub, more like a good "bottom". But I can tell you I get very nervous and am uncomfy with my body until I know the Master quite well, I try to make it clear that for me caming is a TEMP hard limit, because I've had the expereince that in being self concious, it went rather poorly for both of us. While I have a desire to please I am not willing to go so far as to be miserable with someone I barely know. :)

    And the age gap thing, I'm 35, last dom was 19. It's the fit, not the age. I think MOST will agree on that one.

    I also replied to you in pm's as well.
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2011

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