Establishing Cominance

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Pegarm, May 26, 2009.

  1. Pegarm

    Pegarm New Member

    Click here for more.
    I am currently in a D&S relationship with a woman. She is a textbook sub; works in a high stress job that requires her to be in control and make a lot of executive decisions constantly. She loves the release of responsibility that my dominance over her provides.

    We are in love. Our non-D&S sex is also fantastic. We can be intimate and sweet and caring for each other and every encounter is completely amazing. There are no problems with our sex life... our chemistry is fantastic.

    However, both of us want to make sure that the D&S side of our relationship doesn't suffer. We both love it and become intensely gratified by our scenes. If I go too long without exerting dominance over her, we slip into a more comfortable relaxed, but not as gratifying situation.

    Sometimes she has difficulty allowing me to dominate her, and I accept part of the responsibility for that. There are times when her head just isn't into it and times when she is being stubborn and doesn't allow herself to be dominated. (And yes, I've explored and recognize when her stubbornness is a part of our play.) She counts on me to create the atmosphere that allows both me to be dominant and her to be submissive. There are times that no matter what I try, I can not create the proper conditions to nurture the D&S side of our relationship.

    I am looking for advice on how to initiate and maintain dominance. My question is: How do you transition between two people who enjoy each others company and are having fun together, to D&S? What techniques do you use? And what do you do if/when your submissive simply won't or can not get into the scene, knowing that their refusal is not a part of their submission?

    The reality of the situation is that any sub has the choice to say to themselves "you know what? I'm not going to allow this right now." My problem is that when I fail to create the correct atmosphere that allows her to be submissive, I start to lose confidence that I CAN create the proper conditions. As we all know, lack of confidence is dominance cyanide.

    Trust, comfort and communication are not issues here. She trusts me very much. We communicate very very well and she is comfortable allowing herself to submit, when the conditions are right.

    Any thoughts, opinions or suggestions?
  2. Master C

    Master C Member

    Click here for more.
    Well, makes sure your toys are handy, as for example one day you start kissing her, and the two of you lay down on the bed for example, and her hands are dangling over the end of the bed. you can take the opportunity to cuff her to the bed posts(if you have them, the legs if you don't) since you are already engaged in a long kiss, the surprise maneuver will hopefully get her wanting more.
  3. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

    Click here for more.
    I'm going to focus on everything above but I want to draw attention to the part that I've bolded.That is not the case in a dom/sub relationship. It IS the case in a Top/Bottom Relationship.Here is the difference for clarity and reference.

    TOP/bottom = a couple engaged in a normal relationship of some means (be it dating, married, friends with benefits, No strings attached, whatever) who spice up their sexual encounters from time to time with BDSM activities.

    DOM/sub = A couple engaged is a relationship (sexual or non-sexual) whereas one person is Dominant and the other submissive. This relationship conforms to a preset gidelines of what is and what is not acceptable (such as no sharing with others, no ass to mouth, no public humiliation, etc.) but anything within the confines of the aforementioned restrictions is allowed, anytime anywhere. Should either party no longer wish to adhere to this agreement, the relationship is null and void, and a new agreement would need to be installed before any other actions would occur.

    MASTER/slave = As per DOM/sub with a key minor change. The agreement in this lifestyle is a legally binding signed contract, whereas a person sacrifices total control of their life for a few concessions and may not be broken unless these concessions are not met. Such concessions may include lodging, health care, nutrition, etc but these are not stapes in every contract. On the other end of this contract, the master may terminate at any time on the grounds of non-compliance. Typically, termination by non-compliance results in the forfeiture of all personal belonging awarded you during the course of service, generally leaving a former slave with nothing, not even clothing.

    As for how to best handle this, Ifd you wish to have a dom/sub relationship, and so does she, then your best bet is openness, communication, and honesty. Set your guidelines beforehand. Figure out a system that works, such as when you put a collar on her (which is a popular way of denoting dom/sub play). develop a safeword, use the safe word. discuss what is and isnt allowed, abide by it.

    Have fun, enjoy.
  4. Pegarm

    Pegarm New Member

    Click here for more.
    Interesting take Sparrow. I'm going to share these with her and discuss what type of relationship she sees us having.

    Thanks for the insight.
  5. subspace

    subspace Member

    Click here for more.
    It sounds like you may have more of a Top/bottom relationship rather than D/s. I always refer to myself as a sub but in reality I guess I am closer to a bottom in our day-to-day relationship. We are very much a D/s couple when it is just the two of us, but it evolves into more of a T/b depending on the situation. I guess my point is that your relationship may go through changes and pass through different levels of BDSM, the important thing is to have an open line of communication with your partner so that you can both be on the same page. Don’t get discouraged; realize that no two relationships are the same.

    I think I just made more questions rather than helping but hope you realize that all of us have to decide how to make our need for BDSM work in our individual lives/relationships. Try to find the balance that works best for the two of you!

  6. Click here for more.
    Similar here Subspace. My master and I think of ourselves as master and sub, but our relationship is more similar to the top and bottom description. We only see each other once a week, and share the policy of being friends first and not letting anything get in the way of that. And when I am in 'sub' mode, if you can call it that, I am probably not a very good sub, because I get argumentative and cocky and will fight back (but then we both get off on that, and it's a great excuse to end up being restrained), but after a certain point, I will relax and just let him do as he wants to me, but strictly within the limits that we have both set. As to stretching limits, that is okay as long as we discuss it first to make sure it will be okay.
  7. Pegarm

    Pegarm New Member

    Click here for more.
    Hey guys... just wanted to follow up with some results.

    My sub and I had very good communication in the last couple of days. I expressed the difference in definitions to her and we talked about the type of relationship we wanted. As it turns out, My conception of what she wanted and needed from our D&S play was more than I anticipated and we were able to establish that we both want the dom/sub soles, by Sparrow's definition, instead of the top/bottom.

    So Sparrow, you already know this, but accept this as confirmation of your advice being of considerable value to our relationship. Thank you.

    We're starting off small. I've purchased a very discreet steel braided collar that I have instructed her to wear for a week as a symbol of her submission.
  8. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

    Click here for more.
    congratulations to you both. I'm sure that as long as you keep the lines of communication open, you will both enjoy a long and beautiful relationship. we hope to here more about your journeys, and if you have any more questiuons, comments, or concerns, please dont hesitate to post them!

    welcome to the community.
  9. subspace

    subspace Member

    Click here for more.
    My guess is that she is loving the new collar. Have you noticed a difference in her attitude?
  10. Nyx

    Nyx Member

    Click here for more.
    I have nothing important to add except that this is an interesting thread. :p And I am a faithful lurker in this instance.

Share This Page