The term "Abuse"

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Nuka, Jan 11, 2011.

  1. Nuka

    Nuka Member

    The term "Abuse" - and other (possibly) offencive terms

    Myself and my partner were talking to someone on MSN last night about various kinks etc and he came out with the term 'kinky abuse'.

    Well after that we kinda told him off for using the word abuse, saying how even though there are rape fantasies, etc, no one whether in a BDSM respect or just vanilla sex should ever use the term abuse. To me it conjours thoughts of sexual abuse, real rape, peadophillia, etc.

    So I was wondering what other members in the community had to say about it?

    Do find using the word, or the term 'abuse' acceptable to describe anything to do with your own BDSM habit?

    He was using the term 'kinky abuse' synonymically to describe D/s sex.
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2011
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I'd agree with him. 'Abuse' is a very common word within the bdsm community, but when it's used, it's essentially the way the person you were chatting with used it. Many subs like the illusion of non-consensuality and that they are in the hands of someone who will treat them terribly and 'abuse' them by beating them, humiliating them, and forcing them into sex. Many doms use the term to heighten their own feelings of power and control and to intensify the experience of the sub.

    The trick here, of course, is that because everything is consensual, most doms don't actually abuse their subs. However, because there are selfish, emotionally cruel, and stupid doms and ignorant or emotionally damaged subs, actual abuse can occur with the context of a bdsm relationship. This sort of abuse is not acceptable, and bdsmers should always be on the lookout for signs that actual abuse is happening to those around them.

    So the word carries two different, and essentially opposite, meanings within these circles. 1) Rough consensual treatment and 2) Rough non-consensual treatment.
  3. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member


    I use the term in conversation and banter all the time.

    But the one I'm talking to gets turned on by it, not threatened.

    We know our own.... but out there on MSN boards, not everyone speaks the same (your) language.
  4. Nuka

    Nuka Member

    This is what we were trying to explain to him. He isn't in the community but it's just the casual throw away way he was saying it. That's what took me aback, and I know that bdsmers do use it in the context of 1; but the way he was saying it seemed like he couldn't, or wasn't, distinguishing the difference between 1 and 2.

    It also made ashlie quite upset, but I guess it comes down to indivdual practice in the end. Though if he were to turn around to say, his partner and say "I'm going to abuse you later" whether in kink or not, someone will get it wrong and could get him into trouble for it...

    I think it was as I say the casual way he said it, not seeming to care who heard that actual term.
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    In a situation like that, you were right to challenge his use of it. BDSMers need to correct those sorts of misperceptions when we run into them in a vanilla context.
  6. Nuka

    Nuka Member

    Ok thanks Seb, as I said he tried to defend himself with his law course but I found it was more a repect thing to our community, himself, his partner and just the general public.

    Anyhow, glad we cleared that one up.

    Out of curiosity then, what other terms do people find offencive? Or at least, find used incorrectly more than others...
  7. Tumbl3

    Tumbl3 Member

    I've never used the word abuse in play or in relation to anything kinky, but that is because I was verbally/emotionally abused and so was Puppy. So for us it's just too close to home. We prefer torture and being evil :]

    I find the word 'ironic' use incorrectly so much it makes me want to rip my hair out and bash my head through a sheet of glass.
    -valleygirl giggle- "Like, oh my gawd, you dating chris doons? So did I -giggles-, that's so ironic!"

    -kills self- Okay, here's situational irony for you:

    I had some friends over last week who stayed at my apartment for two days. It's a two bedroom, so it's not that big. We had 9 people in the house. So I was going to ask if two people could go to another place for a few nights because it was too damn crowded. I was going to ask them face to face so they wouldn't get offended. Well I was talking this idea over and one of the friends went and told them.
    Guess what, they got offended.
    So talking over this idea with someone before going to tell them so they wouldn't get offended, only to have someone ELSE tell them and then they get offended is ironic.

    -takes big breath- Oh, and I hate dead baby jokes.
  8. Nuka

    Nuka Member

    The word like.

    "omg I was like, and he wa slike, then she was like..."


    Basically is rather annoying to be honest... the over use of it when people try to explain things :mad:

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