Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by DSylverfox, Apr 9, 2012.
Testing the Waters
If you're nervous, start with a mild version of your fantasy.
Talk about what's going to happen and agree on some boundaries.
With time, add some new elements.
Instruct your partner on being more gentle or more forceful during the session.
Always voice clearly what you want and what you don't want.
For'eva's basically right. Go slow. After a session, when you're cuddling, ask your sub a couple questions:
1) What did s/he like most?
2) What did s/he want more of?
3) What could you have done better or differently?
4) What would s/he like you to add next time?
There are a couple basic things a dom needs to do:
1) Project a sense of confidence and authority. This is the trickest bit for a new dom. Recognize that your sub wants you to be in charge, so take charge (within any limits your sub chooses to set).
2) Find out your sub's limits--what s/he doesn't want to explore, at least right now. Play within those limits.
3) If you and your sub want to explore bondage and pain play, do some reading and learn how to do the basics safely.
I assume you've read the Newcomer's FAQ. If not, do so--there is a lot of good ideas and advice to help you get started.
I think one of the trickiest things to do is project that power, or submissiveness. I know it's proved challenging for my wife and I, especially when life causes those little unseen stresses.
Part of the problem is that confidence comes from experience. New doms by definition don't have a lot of experience, so unless they are naturally take-charge people, find the confidence is a challenge. Recognizing that the sub wants to give up control can help with that. Most subs want the dom to order them around, do what s/he pleases, and so on. That gives the dom a reasonable margin of error, once s/he knows the sub's limits and turn-ons, to take charge.
New doms should focus on building a repertoire of things they do well. Focus on getting the basics of one form of play down. That way the dom knows that s/he has one thing s/he does well and can start stretching out from there.
Ritual can help a lot with bringing your dominant traits to the forefront. Just as you may use a ritual for your sub to exchange power you can do the same thing to prepare yourself. Whether you incorporate your perpetration into a ritual together or take time beforehand getting into your Dom space is a personal preference. If you think about it this is the same thing sports players do before a game or match.
Read the section of the Newcomer's FAQ on how to kinkify a Nice Vanilla Boyfriend. There are things there that may be helpful for you.
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