playdates - how to protect yourself

Discussion in 'Safety aspects of BDSM' started by praefect, Jul 11, 2009.

  1. praefect

    praefect Member

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    It's something I've been wondering about, and had reason to. I know that submissives always feel like they're the one's that are in a potentially dangerous situation when meeting a dominant for the first time in order to play. But I've been worrying about my side of it.

    The "playpartner" (what's the English word for this?) I've set a date with, her I know, I'm not worried about her, but in case I'm going to use the web in the future to find other potential people to play with how do I protect myself from them?

    I don't live in a large town, but we once had a small BDSM community here. Around 50 or so people that would meet up regularly, mostly BBQs, or some other place where people would just hang out and talk about stuff, depending on the season, meetings in which my ex and I participated a few times, and sometimes BDSM events, from swinger parties to scene showcases, in which we did not.

    At one point one of the members accused another member of... well, I suppose it would basically boil down to rape. She claimed he ignored her safe word and kept punishing her while he claimed he did no such thing. Both were old time members which led to a couple of things happening. First, it split the group. People like my ex and myself left the group, not wanting to have any part in this infighting between two groups of people where only two of them actually knew what really happened and one of them was lying. It led to the death of this tiny community as people first didn't come to meets and then there were no more meets at all.

    I don't know which of the two did what, I don't want to judge either, but the thought of being the victim of false claims worries me, a victim of a sub that cries wolf. How do I protect myself from that?

    A thought that occurred to me was to record everything, but I can't do that without the knowledge of whomever is being recorded. That would against the law, not to mention unethical. And, honestly, I doubt very much there are many women out there comfortable with being recorded, fewer still who'd enjoy it, and a lot who would either worry about it ending up on the net somehow or perhaps even being blackmailed, not willing to trust a first time "playpartner" with something like that.

    So, anyone have any bright ideas?
  2. Martello

    Martello Member

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    Outside of signing some legal documentation that would actually be viable if it became a legal issue and or a video cam; no idea.
  3. Phantasm

    Phantasm Member

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    I'd have thought signing legal documentation would fuck you even more - if someone wants to be an ass about it, a contract is just going to get in you more shit when they lie, unless you have a witness to the events.

    I'd say a slightly better (though still poor) option would be to perhaps arrange that soon after the session, while you're both at the place it happened, call someone and tell them you're okay and nothing happened and have your partner do the same.

    Like the system for call-girls who have to call their employer when they get there, stay on the phone until they have the payment and everything is verified as okay, then call their employer after the deed to confirm safety.

    I don't know if I've explained it well, but hopefully it's something that may be at least a little helpful - even if only as a thought that encourages a better idea. :)
  4. Martello

    Martello Member

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    Calling someone is far more worthless then signing paperwork. Someone couild just say you had a gun to their head or a knife to their throat.

    Honestly, best bet I guess is get to know the person as best you can before anything happens.
  5. Martello

    Martello Member

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    I'm not sure how signed legal paperwork could fuck you more. Can you explain how?
  6. praefect

    praefect Member

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    I'm guessing she means that since BDSM is something that is against the law in many parts of the world having physical evidence of performing an act consent is not recognized for would only get you deeper into trouble.

    It's not against the law around these parts though, but I think you're right Martello, that the best thing to do is to really get to know who you're going to play with. The thing is though, the only thing I'm good at detecting is shallow and stupid. The personalities I'm drawn to are usually complex, interesting, intelligent... and these are hard personalities to judge one way or the other.

    I guess being a better judge of character comes with a bit more experience, ey?
  7. J zero

    J zero Member

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    This thread coincides with my opinion that all BDSM-related activities should only be done with someone you know and trust. Meeting new people is fine, but you cant really trust anyone until youve spent some time with them and get to know them.
  8. Sparrow69

    Sparrow69 Moderator

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    video cameras are better then witnesses, because an image rarely lies. suggest using a camera for prosperity so you can watch the events together afterward to relive the feeling. tell them its one of your fetishes. Then you have a true accounting of the events.
  9. monocrome

    monocrome Member

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    if you're going to play with someone you don't know well, i'm going to have to agree with cameras for safety.

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