how to find like minded people

Discussion in 'Section open for any subject to discuss' started by rotting_flesh_wound, Jun 20, 2014.

  1. rotting_flesh_wound

    rotting_flesh_wound New Member

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    I live in a really small town and was just wondering how I would go about finding alternative groups? I can't find anything online and none of my friends know of any.

    Is there a certain way they are advertised? Are there other places I can look besides on the net?

    I've been lurking a little and the people on here all seem pretty cool. But I want to meet people like you in real life! It also doesn't help that I am extremely socially awkward as well...

    I'm new to the bdsm community but not new to bdsm. I would love to attend a munch (is that what it's called?) But have no idea how to find one.

    Please help....?
  2. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    You should try to find a munch near you (I assume you've gotten the idea of munches from the FAQ or elsewhere, but in case you haven't- a casual meeting of kinksters, usually plain-clothed and quiet, usually in a restaurant or bar. Kink isn't always the discussion, but it is where you'd meet kinky people).

    I definitely suggest Fetlife. There are various reasons for and against it being a good site, but it is absolutely one of the best ways to find locals. Most areas have groups set up, you can search for events near you, and you can search by location for other kinksters to try and meet people. You need to make an account to view anything, so it wouldn't have come up on your google searches and stuff.

    If your town is too small for events and even munches, chances are the nearest larger town or city does, and there will probably be other people from your town going there.

    As far as offline things go- I don't know where you live, but in Canada and the US it's Pride season. If you have a pride parade near you, especially one with a little festival following it (both of my cities do that, so I'm assuming it's common), you will probably see kinksters around. While Pride isn't about kink, kinksters tend to love pride.

    I'd try asking older people about groups and stuff, they're more likely to be seriously involved, in my experience, while younger people, though sincere about their interest, are often less interested in attending munches, and even if they are, less likely to be involved in planning groups and stuff. If you're not too intimidated, leather men and bears would probably be easily able to direct you, and they're easy to spot.

    Also try going to your local sex shop. The staff aren't going to be concerned with the idea of kink, so there's nothing to be shy about, and often sex shops sponsor kink events, or have booths selling at them, or sell tickets, so there's a good chance they'd know.

    Other than that, OkCupid and other dating sites are alright ways of meeting new people near to you, and you can put the interest in kink and finding local friends and groups, while keeping it a bit vague about your other details, if you're worried about being 'found' (if you're not, then be as detailed as you can, people like knowing who they're talking to).

    If you go to clubs and stuff, especially ones that host smaller scale shows and theme nights, keep an eye on their schedule. If you don't go to clubs, you might want to call or email them and ask about events.

    That's all I've got right now, but I'm probably missing some obvious stuff.

    You might need to go out of town a bit, but chances are if you go to larger events, people from your town will be there, and you can form your own group or side-group.
  3. rotting_flesh_wound

    rotting_flesh_wound New Member

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    Hey Smallest. Thanks for the in depth reply!

    So I'm pretty sure the town I live in and the larger one I frequent does not have anything like you have described. It has one sex shop with one worker and they don't know of anything. There is another larger city with about 50000 people about 2.5 hours away. Might have to try my luck there somehow :s I hate living in a rural area...

    Why is this community so hard to break into? Where are you all hiding? Haha. In America probably. Australia sucks ass.

    Thanks again for your help :)
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Rotting, being kinky (or gay) in an extremely small town can be very challenging. There might be kinksters in your community, but they're likely to be EXTREMELY discrete. A town of 50,000 might have a small kink group, but it's unlikely. You probably need a town of 100,000 or more. There are definitely Australian kinksters, but I don't know any particular groups I can refer you to.

    Your profile doesn't say if you're gay, straight, or bi, so I'll assume you're straight. If you're not, you might try setting up profiles on Recon and Manhunt, both of which are good places to meet gay/bi kinksters. If you're straight, use the sites Smallest suggested. On straight dating sites, you might mentioned that you liked 50 Shades of Grey, or the movie The Secretary; these will signal to other kinksters what you're looking for and make them more likely to send you a message. Look to references to those in vanilla profiles.
  5. rotting_flesh_wound

    rotting_flesh_wound New Member

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    Thanks for taking the time to reply Sebastian.

    Has anyone had any experiences with meeting people they met online? What was it like? Was it awkward? How long had you being talking before meeting?

    I'm pretty sceptical of the whole online dating thing but will give it a try :)
  6. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    I'm not into online dating either, but meeting online before offline is a good way to find people without driving everywhere keeping your eyes peeled for a leather flag or something, you know? I was in a long distance relationship for quite a while though, and I can vouch that talking online is a fine way to get to know someone and to keep in touch.

    I've met a few people from online, and it has generally gone pretty good. Mind, I haven't since I got with my partner 4-5 years ago, so none of these were romantic, but I think meeting a friend can be just as awkward. More people are people I've seen around online or talked to once or twice, then met at an event (not always kink) that we both attended.

    You didn't ask and might already know (and there's info in the FAQ, I think), but if you meet someone individually, be sure to do so in a public place the first time or few, and if you start playing, make sure they respect limits and have interests that do (or at least can) compliment yours when you play.
  7. rotting_flesh_wound

    rotting_flesh_wound New Member

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    Thanks for the info Smallest.

    I understand all the ins and outs of meeting someone and setting limits etc, etc. Just haven't had the experience of meeting someone new in RL.

    I was previously in a long relationship since I was 17 so I've never really had the chance to do the whole dating thing. God it sucks going back to being unfamiliar with someone when I could just grab my wife and throw her on the bed and do whatever I want. You can't do that with a new person...

    So yea, I appreciate any and all advice I can get!
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    A very sizable percentage of gay relationships and hook-ups start online. I met both my partners that way. So yes, it does happen. And the internet is a boom for kinksters because it does provide more opportunities to meet the right person.

    On the other hand, I'm fairly skeptical of long-distance meetings leading to in-person relationships. Yes, it can happen, but in my experience it's uncommon for a whole variety of reasons. None of the guys I talked to from out of state has ever been willing to visit. One guy that I've talked to on and off for years turned down two separate opportunities to meet me when I visited his city for other reasons. So my sense is that local online meetings can lead to something serious, but that long-distance meetings are unlikely to produce satisfying results. So don't invest too much in them.
  9. rotting_flesh_wound

    rotting_flesh_wound New Member

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    So I'm pretty much screwed then.. And not even in the good way :s
  10. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Rotting: I take it that you're stuck in a very small town for the foreseeable future? That certainly will make things harder for you as a kinkster. But it's not hopeless. 50 Shades of Grey, as lousy as it is, has opened up some space for people to discuss an interest in kink, and its strong sales demonstrate that there is considerable interest in kink. Some people estimate that about 10% of the population has some interest in sexual power exchange, although many may not realize it.

    So you might have success introducing a vanilla partner to kink play. That will require going slowly, because you don't want to freak someone out. Take a look at my post in the FAQ on kinkifying a Nice Vanilla Boyfriend. I tried to offer a model there for how a kinkster might be able to introduce a vanilla partner to kink in a gradual way.

    I think that model works best if you are a sub. If you're a dom, the best route, I think, is to explore rough sex--butt slapping, a little biting, a few dirty names, holding your partner's arms down--and see if you get a response. Don't go too far, and pull back if she resists or seems unhappy. Afterwards, talk with her about how she felt about it. If she liked it, do it again next time and start talking about whether she'd like to do that more regularly or more aggressively
  11. rotting_flesh_wound

    rotting_flesh_wound New Member

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    Hey Sebastian. Thanks for your reply.

    I really want to try and avoid turning a vanilla as I've "been there, done that". Not that it wasn't fun and exciting but it was a long process.

    I would much rather meet someone that I know for a fact the kink is already there. But I realise living in a small town and not really near any big cities, my chances are very small and my choices limited.

    Another thing, I'm not really looking for a lovey dovey kind of relationship, more so a set of casual encounters if you know what I mean... That said, I feel you need quite an involved relationship going to "turn a vanilla". But that's just speaking from my experience with one person so I mean maybe it's different with other people?

    Also, it would be great just to be able to meet other kinksters too.

    I really need to move to a larger city but I'm tied down here probably for the next 5-10 years :s

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