not enjoying sex

drkangl87 · Feb 11, 2011

At the request of a friend i'm posting this to get some insight on a situation: i've been noticing that during sex whenever my partner does BDSM the more i find myself becoming reserved and not enjoying it as much. To me it seems like more rough sex than actual BDSM, yes i know there are many aspects of BDSM but how i pictured it isn't what's really happening. I know the Dom is supposed to be in control but i thought the whole point was so both people enjoyed themselves and i'm not enjoying it at all. Anyt advice?

sebastian · Feb 12, 2011

Well, if you're not enjoying it, either talk with the dom about it or stop doing it. BDSM needs to meet the needs of all those involved. Read the FAQ; it talks about a lot of things that will help you make sense of dom-sub relations. Which of the 4 spheres are you currently using, and which do you want to use that are not being used? That should give you language to discuss the problems.

L8NightQ · Feb 12, 2011

angel - It might help to know what you like, or at least what you imagine things would be like if it went well.

What does he do? Is it hair pulling, slapping, holding you down and just fucking?

Is there anything he does that you do like, or anything he used to do but doesn't do any more.

How much are you communicating your likes, dislikes and fantasies to him?.... not in a complaining mode, but just in general conversation, with additional talk about what he likes and fantasizes about.

Is he a Dom, or is he trying to be a Dom, or maybe just saying he is a Dom.

Lastly, does he care about how you feel about this?... willing to listen?

Seb is right. In the FAQ there are segments on "where you are" from a BDSM perspective, and on what a Dom should be vs what they sometimes are.

drkangl87 · Feb 12, 2011

We mostly do pain play (hair pulling, spanking, slapping, biting, nails dug into my hips) that kind of thing. I have told him what i like and don't like and what i want to do. I don't get much response from him so like i've mentioned before i'm left guessing. I would like to do more bondage stuff, being held down, tied up, blindfolded and yes i've mentioned this several times and i've been tied up maybe twice and that only once to a bed and then the other two times were my hands were behind my back and that wasn't the best experience. Understand i'm not trying to dog him out, he does do things that i absolutely love do not get me wrong but i think my issue is i'm getting bored with the same thing over and over again. I want to explore other aspects of BDSM and i'm feeling like the more i try and bring him into it he just won't. He says he has done this type of thing before he used to get paid for it i guess and i know i'm pretty vanilla compared to the things he has done but i don't understand why he won't go any further with me.

sebastian · Feb 12, 2011

Drk, it doesn't sound to me like you're vanilla. You enjoy pain and want to explore bondage. So don't put yourself down compared to him.

I think what you really need to do is have an honest open talk with him about what you want to explore. You want to do bondage and he isn't letting you explore that. So ask him why he doesn't want to explore that with you. Maybe he's gotten bored with bondage. Maybe he had a bad incident that left him scared of harming his sub. Maybe he doesn't feel confident of his skills. But until he tells you why he doesn't want to do that, you're not going to be able to find a compromise.

You're the sub; when you're playing you have to submit to the dom. But once the play is done, you get to express your desires and needs, and you get to decide if you're satisfied with what he's willing to do with you. If he won't go as far as you want, you either need to decide that you can make do with what he's giving you (maybe the rest of the relationship is really good), or decide that you will move on and look for a guy who will go deeper into the kink with you.

But it all starts with communication. BDSM requires more communication than a vanilla relationship does. The result is that when a BDSM couple is communicating well, they tend to be more satisfied with the relationship than a vanilla couple does, but when they're not communicating, they tend to be more dissatisfied than a vanilla couple does. So talk, talk, talk.

sillylittlepet · Feb 12, 2011

Just because he used to get paid does NOT mean anything

For sure talk to him, if you dont fully express your feelings then nothing is gonna change. Its your dom's responsibility to hear you out and change things around based on your feedback. Tell him you haven't really been enjoying pain play and you'd like to do more bondage instead, a good dom will respect what you have to say

drkangl87 · Feb 13, 2011

I have told him, many times i've expressed my desire to explore more. I don't hold anything back cause i know communication is key in all of this but communication is a two way street and i'm not getting any response back. I'm starting to wonder if i should try and find someone else who is willing to actually listen to what i have to say instead of just hearing me and hoping that i'll forget about it.

sillylittlepet · Feb 13, 2011

drkangl87 said:
I have told him, many times i've expressed my desire to explore more. I don't hold anything back cause i know communication is key in all of this but communication is a two way street and i'm not getting any response back. I'm starting to wonder if i should try and find someone else who is willing to actually listen to what i have to say instead of just hearing me and hoping that i'll forget about it.

Limed for truth

A dom who doesnt respect you is NOT worth your time

sebastian · Feb 13, 2011

Silly's right. If you'e been trying to communicate and he's just not talking, then you need to start really thinking about whether he's the right one for you. If he won't tell you what he's thinking and won't make an effort to incorporate what you're looking for into your sex life, then the two of you have a very serious problem, and he's blocking your main channel for resolving the problem. If leaving him seems doable, my advice is to have one last serious talk with him. Tell him that you're extremely dissatisfied and that his refusal to communicate and to address your needs is causing you to seriously consider leaving. And then, if he won't open up, follow through and leave.

You're a submissive female; they are moderately rare in the world of BDSM. From what I've read there are more dom men seeking female subs than female subs seeking dom men. That means that you're more likely to find another guy to explore this stuff with than your current bf is to find another woman. So don't think that you're going to have a struggle to find another kinky guy. Especially if you're in or near a large city, you won't have too much trouble.

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