sex life after baby

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by vanessamicheals, Mar 16, 2011.

  1. vanessamicheals

    vanessamicheals New Member

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    hi everyone! new here, but i've done some lurking in the past.

    my SO and i have been involved in some bdsm play for almost 2 years. he's the dom and i'm the sub. i got pregnant last april and we now have a beautiful baby. while i was pregnant it was hard to continue with our usual activities safely and the bdsm aspects of our relationship were slowly phased out as the pregnancy progressed. by the end we weren't really having sex at all. it's been 9 weeks since the birth and all that has happened is oral, once and weeks ago, since it was a pretty traumatic experience, and quite frankly i'm terrified of how badly it will hurt the first time.

    but the bigger problem is it's hard to feel it anymore. i've been turned on by bdsm since i started caring about sex. it's a big part of who i am and it was an amazing experience to have with my SO. i'm naturally dominate in life and i think since we've gone so long we sort of switched roles without meaning to and now it's hard for me to be turned on. plus, everything feels so much more dirty now that i have a sweet little angel to take care of.

    i guess what i'm asking is, has anyone had experience having a baby in a dom/sub relationship? or does anyone have any advice for me? i hate that this was such a big part of my life and is now non-existent. i'm not sure how to get back in.

    thanks in advance!
  2. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    There are couple member's here who've had kids, but the only person who comes immediately to mind is ceidith

    I think sate_sprite had a baby as well
  3. HelenaB

    HelenaB New Member

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    I have three sons and although they are far from being babies now I still remember how you feel. I think the most important thing to get into your head is that although somethings change you are still you. Try to remember what you loved to do and why. Dress up, listen to some music you love. Make yourself feel strong and sexy. Where your high heels to take the baby for a walk. Get back intouch with being in control, thats as important for a sub as it is for a dom. Once you feel yourself again and not just mummy or a partner then the rest will fall back in place. Nine weeks is nothing and also trust me it won't be that painfull or that great to start with but hey that goes for everything in life.
    Have fun and you'll be fine love.x

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    I've got 4 kids.. my most recent being born back in October and my oldest turning 5 in May and we are 24/7 into bdsm. It's challenging with kids and you have to learn a whole new way to go about it.... new "vanilla" code words, learn what each other's looks mean, and understand that it's ok to put baby to bed and step out of that Mommy role for a few moments (ok.. not completely out that you don't care for your child's needs at all, but you get what I mean). First and Foremost though, you have to get to a point where you get YOU back.. not the mommy you, not the wife you, just the YOU you. Remember what it was that turned you on to BDSM and let yourself know that your sex life is completely seperate from your baby and a special thing you share with your partner. 9 weeks really isn't all that long depending on how the delivery went.. especially if it's your first birth. It can be a little scary that first time after having the baby and it does sometimes feel uncomfortable that first time. My suggestion would be to ease into easy/slow vanilla sex and see what you can handle and when you can handle more.. go for it!!
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Another thing to remember (and as a gay man I'm not speaking from any personal experience, so take it with a grain of salt) is that pregnancy floods your body with hormones and it takes your body a while after pregnancy to process all those hormones (and my understand is that while you're lactating, you've still got some of those hormones circulating). Changes in hormone levels can definitely affect your feelings about sex. They can make sex seem icky or just uninteresting. So you may simply need to wait a little while as your body sorts things out and gets back to normal, or your new normal.

    Your body also has physical issues to deal with, like the weight you gained and the muscles you may have strained during delivery, and so on, and that too can affect your feelings about sex. Personally, if I had just squeezed a bowling ball out through my penis, I wouldn't want anyone touching my cock for a while.

    Finally, there are psychological issues to deal with. If your pregnancy or delivery was rough, you may feel anxious about sex because it might put you through that again. You may be feeling stressed out by the demands of your new baby, not getting enough sleep and so on, and in situations like that, sex may just seem like a distant luxury. And perhaps you're experiencing some post-partum depression, which, like any depression, can kill the sex drive.

    My guess is that you will gradually sort out these issues over time. But it will take a few months for you to get back to normal (either your old normal or a new one). If you don't, you might want to consider seeing a therapist to help you address the issue.
  6. subspace

    subspace Member

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    Go easy on yourself! Its only been nine weeks and you have been through so much! When my son was little (he is 11 now) my sex life was non-existent because once he went to bed I just needed a break. Its was hard for me to have a child hanging onto me all day and then have a husband on me at night - I just wanted to cuddle but nothing more. All of that passed as time went on and my sex drive came back higher than ever so please dont worry too much - enjoy your little one while you can and just know that this is a transition period in your life not a new permanent.
    You mentioned that you are more naturally Dominate - maybe ease back into things slowly like having your submissive partner pamper you in the evenings...
  7. TerribleT

    TerribleT Member

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    I have two daughters and I remember how it was for my wife and I. Childbirth takes it out of you. You'll be back but don't rush. The appeasiotomy, post partam depression and the fatigue of dealing with a is out for a while. Ease back in when you're pun intended! :)

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