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Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by thinmint7, Jun 7, 2012.

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  1. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    Hey y'all I'm new to here and well pretty much to the whole thing! :clap: Do not really know what else to say.

    As of now i have soo many questions.... i just cannot think of any hehe. :D

    I do have a dilemma- I am super shy and find that my inability to discuss what I want is becoming a problem. I would like to be able to share exactly what where and how but I blush and my nervousness bubbles up and more like squeals come out....

    Anyways.... maybe others have felt this way and have some good icebreakers....

    Sorry also I am playing with my long time boyfriend who is totally down so far but we have not gone beyond light play. I've tried getting him to read books on the subject that match my ideas but he wont read them, so i cannot go the passive route here... haha:p
     
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  2. edjixxx

    edjixxx Member

    Hi! Welcome! I trust you have read over the FAQ, as it contains many answers. First, you don't have to be shy around us. I think what you'll find is a ton of help. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are off to a good start, and you're in the right place, so let us know how we can be of assistance! First, let's start with what you want to do, what you've done, and what he is not doing that you want to do. We can pursue solution stratagies from there.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2012
  3. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    Yup I totally did and thank you I found it really helpful!!! Well, our last convo on the subject went something to this effect: Me: I think I am ready to play harder Him: Ok Me: I like this lets do more of it Him: ok and i want you to not just submit, but to submit to me.

    What? I told him i did not feel as tho I had enough info to do this, but no change...

    hmmm should I have posted that somewhere else?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 7, 2012
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Thin: Communication is critical to effective BDSM. Your dom is not psychic; he does not know what turns you on and off unless you tell him (although some doms are good at reading their sub's reaction to things). So you need to learn to be explicit about what you want. But perhaps you could work that into your play. Do what I call a talk fantasy, where you and he lie down together, naked or semi-clothed, and you start describing something you'd like to do. Get graphic about it. Both of you get to shape the story, with the only rule being that you have to accept whatever the other one says--no rejecting anything he works into the story. While you talk, you stroke each other, kiss, and so on. Then, when you're done, the two of you talk about what turned you on, what you might want to try physically, and what you're uncomfortable with.

    Another option is for him to humiliate you by forcing you to reveal embarrassing turn-ons to him.
     
  5. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    OMG I love that idea but I am all by myself and still blushing at the thought of saying them aloud. I tend to get really nervous and laugh a lot it is horrible and yah. If I could take your idea of a talk fantasy and maybe have a far away text convo i would feel comfortable but jeez I'm a spazz! ahhhh!!!!! :(

    I love the second option but I don't want to be the one to tell him how to boss me. lol Seems bossy and backwards hehe :)

    Maybe if I wrote it down and left it where he would see it when I was not within ohhhh 100 feet of him until after he has had time to think about it. I know it won't be a bad response I just know my reaction to it will be.... :D
     
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  6. edjixxx

    edjixxx Member

    Thinmint, you're not bossing him on how to boss you. What you're referencing is "topping from the bottom." What you're doing is telling him what you enjoy and and what you don't, and setting limits for both what your willing to do and not do. Communication is VITAL with BDSM. You must be very candid and open with each other.
     
  7. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    We have had negotiations and set some limits but nothing in writing yet. Well electronic I suppose it is all on the computer and he has read it.
     
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  8. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    I think you need to be clear, REALLY clear, like blush/cringe/squirmy clear about what you want/need.

    When I first opened up to my guy about my certain kinks I was so nervous and uncomfortable about verbalising exactly what turned me on. He would flat out ask what I wanted and I would just clam up or just mumble generalisations but he insisted that I spell it out to him as he had no clue what he was doing and didn't know if what he did was right so I had to get over my issues.

    I wanted him to just KNOW what worked but since he had never done it before that was never going to work, I guess I felt like you that I didnt want to tell him how to be a Dom as that went against my submissive nature but without my guidance he was never going to get it.

    Even if you just have to blurt it out and cover your face or run out the room, you need to get it out there so he understands.

    It can be hard to be graphic about our desires sometimes, I know that I don't even like to talk dirty really as I just get uncomfortable and embarassed, plus I find it distracting trying to think of erotic things in the heat of the moment, it puts me off my stride, so to speak ;)
     
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Don't think of it as bossing him; think of it as helping him be a better dom. You want him to be an effective dom, and presumably he wants to be an effective dom (or is willing to explore the idea). Many guys have a lot of trouble trying new things sexually because they need to feel a sense of confidence that they're doing things well. He doesn't have that confidence yet, in part because he doesn't understand what you want him to do. So think of admitting your fantasies to him as a way of serving him, of helping him be a better dom.

    How about this? Tell him that you're having trouble telling him what you want. Tell him that he needs to force you to admit your fantasies. There are lots of ways he could do this. He could order you to tell him a fantasy, and then put you over his knee and spank you if you don't do it. If you two like rough-housing, he could wrestle you and hold you down until you admit a fantasy. He could make you undress and sit in a chair and not move until he gets a fantasy out of you.

    If telling him how to do this is too much for you, have him read this thread and tell him that this is where he should start with you.
     
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  10. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    I did not even think of the confidence factor! OMG that makes so much sense.... I feel like you just struck gold here. Like, I cannot explain it very well but in terms of psychology I might have gone about this all wrong and that could be the anti-follow thru I am seeing. Like I took what he had to offer (vanilla sex) and I decided that it was not good enough for me I needed more and he had to just figure out what that is, but at 29 I am sure he has developed many styles that were more than perfect to others, and my "I need more" put so harshly knocked him down. Eeee oops, but easy to fix I am sure just share what I want while also acknowledging that I think he is really awesome at it!! Plus if i use one of your game ideas it already has a positive structure. Combined I think these could work for us, thanks guys!!!
     
  11. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Oh yeah the confidence thing is a big thing for men. It's like you are saying to them that they are not enough for you in bed. My guy actually said that to me first, he asked if I had been pretending all these years to enjoy sex and seriously doubted his own abilities. Reassure him constantly that you enjoy vanilla sex too but that this is just an added extra and a part of you.
     
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  12. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Remember that dominance is all about confidence. If I have no confidence that the sub will accept what I want to do, I can't be dominant. That's still true for me today, and it was double that starting out. Again, read through that section of the Newcomer's FAQ on kinkifying your guy. I talk about the importance of confidence.
     
  13. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    LOL that is exaclty how I am. I embarrass so easy, even with my husband who I have been married to forever. He loves seeing how red he can make my face. OMG we had his best friend and his wife over. His best friend said hey dear to his wife I was really distracted trying to get a cake frosted and said yes honey right back. Instantly I realized what I did and was so red. Ya they had fun with that all night long. His friend was trying to get me to turn around and I kept saying NO. My husband was laughing saying that's ok you can see the glow reflecting off the wall. then would be like oh but your his honey tonight remember. gah. ya I get exactly what you mean.
     
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  14. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    Haha OMG Moonlight, that would have been so embarrassing! Well, at least it is something you can have a blast with now!! Yup it never really goes away hehe. :D
     
  15. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    Yeah, we do have a lot of fun and no it will never go away. They will both get a lot of mileage out of that, but it's all in fun so once the redness in my face is gone I am fine.

    I occasionally get him really good and it leaves him speechless. He says I am so quiet that when I zing anyone it is surprising. He gets me back though usually 10 times worse but I always said the secret to a happy marriage is being able to take it with a smile.

    Sigh the last we were goofing off I almost got him perfectly. It would have been perfect if my escape plan was better thought out. I had been weeding the garden and he told me I looked hot. Silly me said yes I am. Next thing I know he poured the last bit of his water on my head. Later he had a full 64 oz plastic cup of ice water and had just tipped it for a drink when I hit the cup making him wear it. I stood there too long laughing and sadly only made it 3 steps before I was caught.
     
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