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I'm a pretty nice guy too, so I understand where you're coming from. I too sometimes have trouble being aggressive enough. I added something about the Outer and Inner Layers of bdsm to the Newcomer's faq, and I think that will help you. Being a nice guy is about the Inner Layer. You respect women, which is very important, and that will help you with the Inner Layer stuff, like negotiating her limits, treating her well outside the scene and so on. But here's the thing: respecting her needs in this situation means treating her roughly. She wants you to control her, torture her, piss on her, verbally abuse her or do whatever else turns her on. So when you do those things, you are showing her an enormous amount of respect, especially because doing those things is a challenge for you. How much more respect can you offer than to step outside your comfort zone to please your partner?
So what you need to do is work on your Outer Layer persona. Figure out what sort of dom she wants and what sort of dom you have in you. For example, lets say she wants a swaggering bad boy. You're in the military; you probably know a few guys like that. So try imitating them. Or be your drill sergeant with her, harsh and demanding. Use what you know and what comes easily and then gradually try new personas. She probably doesn't want the drill sergeant every time, but she might find him a nice change of pace. And remember, your drill sergeant may act like an asshole, but he's giving you vital training in the basic skills you need to survive in combat, so in that sense he's respecting you the way you respect your wife during bdsm play.
Develop the confidence to believe that what you're doing is what she wants. Talk to her and find out what sort of activities she wants to receive, then learn how to do those activities in a safe and arousing fashion. You might try fantasizing about them on your own--jack off while you imagine yourself tying her up and torturing her tits. Let yourself go as you do it; in the fantasy you can't hurt her, she enjoys everything you decide to do, and you do it well. Let your dark side out. Use the fantasy to figure out what elements of the scene turn you on. Once you find what arouses you in bdsm, it will become easier for you to do those things. You'll be able to picture yourself torturing her and it won't seem so forbidden. And use a couple of safe words. Safe words allow the sub to communicate clearly that she wants the scene to stop or pause. While this helps the sub trust the dom, it also helps the dom build confidence. If you're torturing her and she's not using the safe word, you know that she's enjoying what you're doing and that helps you build the confidence to keep going. After the scene is over, while you're cuddling, ask her what parts she liked the most, what she liked less, and what you can do to improve.
Another thing that might help is talking through a scene. Instead of playing out a scene physically, just lie together in bed and describe what you're doing to her. Caress her body as you do so. She has to describe what she's doing in response. The only ground rule is that each of you has to accept whatever the other says in the course of that fantasy. So if you decide that in the scene, you're going to call her names or do anal sex, she has to role with that even if it's not hot for her. Then once the scene is over, talk about the particular elements and get her feedback on what she liked and what she didn't. Once you have an idea of what her desires and limits are, try playing out some part of that scene that you both found hot. Just make sure that you're doing something you know how to do safely. (In other words, just because you both find suspension bondage hot doesn't mean you should start there.)
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