New to the world.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by jandj4fun, Sep 6, 2010.

  1. jandj4fun

    jandj4fun New Member

    I am looking for some guidance, my wife has recently expressed an interest in being dominated, i want to full fill her fantasies, but am not sure were to begin, i am currently deployed and cannot do anything as of right know, but will be going home on R&R here shortly, part of my problem is that i have the nice guy problem, and i am asking for any advice that can be given to me as to what i may do to start, what are some of the things that are done.


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  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Could you be more specific? Are you seeking technical advice, like how to tie your wife up safely? Or are you asking advice on sub psychology, what she's really looking for? Or do you want to know how to be dominant? Read through the Newcomer's faq; that should help you a little bit.
  3. jandj4fun

    jandj4fun New Member

    Sebastian, i appreciate the insight i have read and will re read the newcomers post, i guess my big thing is I am the nice guy that always wants to treat women with respect, and everything, and for me to be DOM is a little difficult althought i do find things very facinating and interesting and i do want to do those things, i guess i am trying to get past my nice guy mentallity. One thing that she told me and this turned her on, was that someone once said to her that he could make her his slave.
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I'm a pretty nice guy too, so I understand where you're coming from. I too sometimes have trouble being aggressive enough. I added something about the Outer and Inner Layers of bdsm to the Newcomer's faq, and I think that will help you. Being a nice guy is about the Inner Layer. You respect women, which is very important, and that will help you with the Inner Layer stuff, like negotiating her limits, treating her well outside the scene and so on. But here's the thing: respecting her needs in this situation means treating her roughly. She wants you to control her, torture her, piss on her, verbally abuse her or do whatever else turns her on. So when you do those things, you are showing her an enormous amount of respect, especially because doing those things is a challenge for you. How much more respect can you offer than to step outside your comfort zone to please your partner?

    So what you need to do is work on your Outer Layer persona. Figure out what sort of dom she wants and what sort of dom you have in you. For example, lets say she wants a swaggering bad boy. You're in the military; you probably know a few guys like that. So try imitating them. Or be your drill sergeant with her, harsh and demanding. Use what you know and what comes easily and then gradually try new personas. She probably doesn't want the drill sergeant every time, but she might find him a nice change of pace. And remember, your drill sergeant may act like an asshole, but he's giving you vital training in the basic skills you need to survive in combat, so in that sense he's respecting you the way you respect your wife during bdsm play.

    Develop the confidence to believe that what you're doing is what she wants. Talk to her and find out what sort of activities she wants to receive, then learn how to do those activities in a safe and arousing fashion. You might try fantasizing about them on your own--jack off while you imagine yourself tying her up and torturing her tits. Let yourself go as you do it; in the fantasy you can't hurt her, she enjoys everything you decide to do, and you do it well. Let your dark side out. Use the fantasy to figure out what elements of the scene turn you on. Once you find what arouses you in bdsm, it will become easier for you to do those things. You'll be able to picture yourself torturing her and it won't seem so forbidden. And use a couple of safe words. Safe words allow the sub to communicate clearly that she wants the scene to stop or pause. While this helps the sub trust the dom, it also helps the dom build confidence. If you're torturing her and she's not using the safe word, you know that she's enjoying what you're doing and that helps you build the confidence to keep going. After the scene is over, while you're cuddling, ask her what parts she liked the most, what she liked less, and what you can do to improve.

    Another thing that might help is talking through a scene. Instead of playing out a scene physically, just lie together in bed and describe what you're doing to her. Caress her body as you do so. She has to describe what she's doing in response. The only ground rule is that each of you has to accept whatever the other says in the course of that fantasy. So if you decide that in the scene, you're going to call her names or do anal sex, she has to role with that even if it's not hot for her. Then once the scene is over, talk about the particular elements and get her feedback on what she liked and what she didn't. Once you have an idea of what her desires and limits are, try playing out some part of that scene that you both found hot. Just make sure that you're doing something you know how to do safely. (In other words, just because you both find suspension bondage hot doesn't mean you should start there.)
  5. jandj4fun

    jandj4fun New Member

    Sebastian, i greatly appreciate the insight once again you have given me a wealth of information. And some very usefull tools that i may use and incorpirate. The only thing that i am curiouse about is she mentioned the whole slave thing, is that just BDSM in generall or is that something specific? If it is specific i suppose that is were i will start if not i will just play it by ear and learn as much as i can.
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Well, different bdsm'ers use 'slave' in different ways. Some use it very technically, to refer to a sub who has gone all the way into 24/7 submission. Others use it very casually, to refer to any sub, who for the duration of the scene is expected to obey the dom. My guess is, she's using it in the casual sense. But you don't have to be a mind-reader. Ask her what she means by the term and what she thinks it would look like in play.

    Given that you're new, you might benefit from reading some of the other forum posts from newbies. Lots of people post with some very general questions, and those threads may be very helpful for you.

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