Collared by my own intrigue

Khartas · Oct 9, 2012

I don't even have to announce it for y'all to know it, do I? But hi, Newbie here. 18, bi, male, dominant switch. I've been interested for quite some time in the craft of BDSM, and- as we all here, at some point, I'm sure- have been found wanting for experience. (Save what sessions and discussions I've had with my dear boy -18,FTM,sub)

I am reaching out for help because quite recently, much to my own shame, I've noticed within my self a rather unruly urge has been growing, an urge to dominate him. Above and beyond the chamber, as it were. We've been together since March (though involved a little longer), but this past week we separated due to several issues, things such as communication and dedication. We're still slightly involved, but he's on thin ice about staying.

I've read- and reasoned- that bdsm relationships are stronger and more involved than vanilla ones, which leaves me struggling for an answer to the predicament I find myself in.

I do not want to lose him. I know I cannot control him (the cruel irony does not escape me, I assure you). I want to introduce him to all of this, to more than just hand-binding and breath play, yet at the same time I feel as if I am quite close to being in over my head.

I guess that is my question- Am I?

Smallest · Oct 9, 2012

You aren't. You should do some more research (breath play is dangerous), but you're not over your head.

You need to have a frank discussion with him, where you don't try to dominate him or anything like that. Tell him about things that interest you, and listen to his interests, objections, questions, whatever. Don't try to jump into 24/7 TPE (if it's something that interests you), just start out with figuring out what you both like and don't like sexually, what words are good and bad to hear, and so on. But what is most needed is communication. Tell him all this (or show him this post), and see what happens.

If he doesn't have an interest and there's no compromise, then you have to ask whether or not you can go without.

Khartas · Oct 9, 2012

Of the things i have researched, breath play was the first and by far the most extensively researched. I know some people either ignore (or just don't know) or even choose to exceed SSC, but that is my absolute hardest limit. NO situation is ever entered nor even considered without forethought to safety.

(that being said, it drives him WILD :in-love: )

Something he mentioned the other day keeps me thinking- part of the reason I'm so lost on what to do.
Stress. Pain. Irritation. things we all deal with in our own ways, one would reason. He doesnt handle it as well and lately he's been depressed.
Through my own experience, I know that bdsm yields a large amount of release; Emotionally, Stress, etc., and not just for one person, but mutually so. I have sat and talked with him about these things, but he's not certain. he's stated that he wants a basic working relationship first, yet at the same time he's wary because thats exactly what kind of relationship he just ended..

Our last relationship was greatly lacking, largely in part due to my own absence of motivation. What other motivation should I need? Its HIM! Seeing him should be all of the motivation i need, yet... somehow, its not. I gave it some thought the past few days, and maybe its because I don't want a boyfriend, but a partner. perhaps even a servant. the connotation of boyfriend can change. but servant? that rings hard...

heh, i'm even doing it now. i'm letting my dom side override my thoughts...
how do I suppress this, at least for a short time, this overpowering urge to dominate? its driving me insane.

stanley_jeffries · Oct 10, 2012

Hi Khartas,
I could be way off the mark with my suggestions, but obviously I don't really know too much detail about your situation.

First of all, breath play is really, really dangerous. When we see porn movie of breath play we as viewers are being "shown a trick" most of the time. You have no real idea if the Dom is REALLY holding the sub's nose tightly, or if there's a crack in his hand over the sub's mouth, etc. But we see a terrified and struggling sub, and that's pretty cool. It's basically theatre.

So let's turn this to the problem of how you make your sub terrified, but without the dangers of breath play.

It strikes me that the reason that breath play is so scary is that it's just so familiar for us to take a breath. We do it thousands of times a day, it's driven by our reptile brains so we don't have conscious control of it.

Sensory deprivation might be a way to generate similar kinds of terror in the sub. Personally I like both visual and audio deprivation (just use an MP3 player to lock out sounds).

If a sub is tied on a bed - or a chair (it needs to be a safe, long term bondage position), but can't see or hear what's going on, then small things begin to amplify themselves.

You said he's been a bit depressed lately, and I'm sorry to hear that. Before you lock him away in sensory deprivation, you need to tell him that the next hour (or however long it takes) is all about him. You are going to make it your sole task to create a living hell for him. He'll be powerless to stop you, and won't have a clue what's going on. The reason you need to tell him this is to stop him feeling blue while he's mentally "locked away". You need to get him in the right frame of mind so he doesn't become more depressed. He needs to feel like it's all about him - but that he has no way to escape.

Do you think that might work?

Cheers,
Stanley

Khartas · Oct 10, 2012

You're right, I haven't provided ample detail. Sorry

Well, last night seemed to turn things around. I paid a visit at midnight, and we began talking. After some time and admittedly to my great enthusiasm, he inquired about being collared and what all it involved, physically and emotionally, as well as the significance behind the collar itself. I replied, and less than five minutes later he was collared (by his own request) leashed, and stripped in a cold room where he was given the order to sit facing me on my lap with good posture, an arm held behind the back, and I gave the order for him to play with himself.

Various other orders were given as well, and due punishment was given in all circumstances of disobedience.

All in all, a very good night, and things are getting back on track.
As for the breath play, I did not mention that it does not happen often- only when I've planned a night out far far in advance and decided that it will be an integral part of the scene. I never take it lightly, you can trust me to that.

Khartas · Oct 10, 2012

The involvement of breath play is never -EVER- beyond the grip of my own hands, and we each have our respective signals to make it clear where the line is. I know the dangers, and trust me, I do not wish to have a victim on my hands instead of a servant.

sebastian · Oct 10, 2012

Khartas, I assume you've read the Newcomer's FAQ and so you know that the real danger of breath play is a heart attack, not asphyxiation. If you and your sub are ok with the risk of him suddenly having a fatal heart attack, great, keep playing. Otherwise, stop it.

I'm glad you and he are making things work. Go slowly as you explore BDSM. It's hard for doms you age to appreciate just how emotionally complex being a master is. I don't say that to talk down to you. But few people your age have both the emotional maturity and the range of relationship experiences to understand what's really involved. Realize, for example, that this boy is not going to be the love of your life. The number of people who meet their life partner at 18 is vanishingly small, unfortunately. So realize that eventually you and he will be moving on and focus your efforts on having a good time, learning and growing emotionally, and not getting yourselves into anything that will be too difficult to get yourselves out of. Don't tattoo him, for example. And, if you two defy the odds and become like partners, remember that you have your whole lives to explore BDSM. Good luck!

Khartas · Oct 10, 2012

I realize and appreciate the complexity- I also recognize that even knowing what I know, I still know virtually nothing.

All of these things that you bring up I realize, and I do not enjoy the young mans game of vindication- I value the word of those who have been where I am going, and rather than claiming knowledge, I profess the lack of it. I need to learn.

I thank you for taking the time to reply to my messages, and I will cease the breath play.

-B

sebastian · Oct 11, 2012

One of the best things a new dom can have is a sense of humility. Admitting you're new and have a lot to learn is very good--many new doms think they're supposed to be perfect and invulnerable. So it sounds like you're being smart about learning and exploring.

Collared by my own intrigue

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