How to Get What you Want

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by thinmint7, Jun 7, 2012.

  1. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    Ok so it was suggested to me that I make a list of what I want, What I am getting, and what I want that I am not getting so that I can, well, get what I want. :D (Or close to this...shoot cannot remember exactly...)

    I tried mentioning that I would like to take things further but we really haven't. Since I have issues listing specifics I referred him to some reading, but he does not like to read and just has not. I have tried playing domme or being bratty to get him to play, and he does, just still not beyond beginning level. I am getting really frustrated because I really care about him but I am not getting certain needs met. I feel this is only my fault since I cannot just tell him what I want (shy). To begin I think he thought we were sticking to bondage, nothing more.

    Up to this point we have tried a lot of new toys. I have started making my own since I am cheap (haha) and wee have played with them. Using hemp and leather we have played with multiple floggers (i love love love them!), single tailed whip, braided with end-knot floggers/whips, canes, nipple clamps and bondage. Oh, and spanking of course! I love all these things and would love to play more with them, just do not want him to think I am a freak or mental.

    I suppose I would say at this point I feel like a passive rogue sub with no rules who can run around at my own will with no repercussions to my actions. It is not that I do not want to please him but i do not know how to actively seek submission. At this point I definitely want some direction.

    I am still trying to get him to start some sort of training or something for me to go off. Obviously all my attempts have failed and I just do not know how to let him in on the "secret". ;) I am really excited about this new part of myself and really want to share it with my guy but I feel we are lost.... or I just am.... idk:confused:
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I posted a couple suggestions in another post of yours. You've got to work out how to communicate with him. If you can't tell him what you want, he can't give it to you.

    It sounds to me that what you want is a dom who will give you some strict rules and protocols for how you do things, and thing disciplines you when you fail to follow those rules and protocols. Am I right about that?

    Also, is your guy open to exploring and learning how to be dominant? Or is he just reluctantly doing this because he wants to please you? We need more info about him before we can help you.
  3. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    mergeMMM yes I would say to start. I really want to explore things to learn what I like the most so I cannot really say for sure. Well he talks about learning how but I haven't really seen it.... Sometimes he gets really quiet and just stares off into space after we play but when I ask if everything is ok or if he is happy with what happened his answer is always positive.

    He says he likes to play with me and that he is willing to try but there is not very much follow thru on what he says. for example, he told me he would like it if i woke him up with a bj, ok well i like sleeping in the morning so I didn't and that was that. Nothing was said, except by me, and then it was joking blown off with a I will punish you (but really won't). Or when he says he will study up he doesn't.

    I really love him and I think I am afraid that he is not a dom, but a, well, douche :) hes expressed the concern before and I never would have thought so but maybe that is my sign. Or maybe he really is a nice guy but has not come to terms with his sexual ideas. I am afraid that our ideas won't match so horribly that there would be no real point to continuing the relationship.... that would suck.....

    I do not think he takes it as seriously as I do, and he has an "end goal". To my understanding his end goal from our play would be something spiritual, but to me it already is, and I wonder how we could play being so far apart.

    Let me know if that is not enough info on the situation, I don't really know what you are looking for haha :D

    I tried to take charge of him and be domme but he was having none of that. But I would love to SHOW him exactly what I want instead of just telling him.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 7, 2012
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Ok. That does help a bit. First off, he's not a douche. He's willing to explore with you and push his limits a bit. So he's a Nice Vanilla Boyfriend (or as Dan Savage would say, he's GGG--good, giving, and game). He doesn't want to be a douchebag, which is generally a sign that he's not a douchebag. The problem is that many dominant traits can look like douchebaggery, and he's confused about how to be dominant without being a douchebag.

    Read through the Newcomer's FAQ post on how to kinkily a Nice Vanilla Boyfriend. You really need to think about what's going on in his head. You want him to be dominant, so he ordered you to give him a wake-up bj. You didn't, and he didn't punish you. But here's what happened from his perspective. His gf told him to be dominant, so he said that she had to give him a bj the next morning. But she didn't do it. So he must have misunderstood what she wanted. Demanding a bj looks like a douchebag move, and he doesn't want to be a douchebag. So when he gave her an instruction and she failed to follow through, he realized that demanding the bj was douchebaggy and not dominant. She clearly doesn't want to be forced to give blow jobs and punishing her for not following orders would be way douchebaggy. So do you see what's going on? You know what you want, but he doesn't. Your failure to obey his first order really confused him.

    Until he starts to understand what being dominant means and why it's not douchebaggery and until he starts to figure out what you're looking for, you have to take the lead. You've got to train him so that he can train you. The first true sub I dealt with had to walk me through the early stages of learning what dominance was about. He understood that he needed to take the lead with me. Yes, you don't want to take the lead; it undermines your fantasy. But you need to put that aside right now and settle for half a loaf until he gets it and starts giving you the whole loaf. So like I suggest in the FAQ, start with the idea that he gets to demand sex whenever he's in the mood. That's something most guys dream about, and he'll probably start to understand once he gets used to this. But when he tells you to give him sex a particular way, you HAVE to follow through.

    It sounds like you're scared of breaking up. You want BDSM, but you're afraid that he's too vanilla and if you push to hard, one of you will realize you're in the wrong relationship. That's a very real risk. You might realize he's totally vanilla, or he might decide that what you want freaks him out too much, or he may just not understand and start to feel sexually incompetent. But that's the risk you take when you start to explore sexually. So you need to accept that risk, or else decide that sexual fulfillment isn't worth the risk of a relationship you value a lot for other reasons.
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2012
  5. Sebastian is right - it sounds like your guy is definitely wanting to take part in your fantasy. If that's the case you are luckier than many folks who are feeling their way into BDSM.

    And honestly, you let him down when you didn't give him that morning BJ. He was definitey reaching out.

    Are you being a "lazy sub"? In other words, you just want to lie back (possibly tied up) and let your Dom do all the work?

    Check out your mailbox - I sent you a PM with a suggestion.
  6. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    Well, durn it :/ That sucks guys I totally did that- ugh! lol I suck. Well what happened specifically is i got too shy and in the time it took me to try to figure my shit out, he had to leave for work. I was feeling pretty stupid and ashamed by the time he got home that I did not consider his feelings. Oooo I'm starting this whole adventure off selfish haha! But this is awesome, I can explain exactly what happened in my head that morning and then he will see I want it but am just a ditz. Another totally workable issue. Already you guys are amazing :D
  7. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    This double posting is getting confusing...however, I think that Sebastian is right. You gave mixed messages. You tell him to Dom you, he gave you an order and you didn't do it. Right there that says to him that maybe you didn't really want to do it so he doesn't press the issue because he isn't sure that's what you want.

    For example, I like the fight, so with my guy I had to make sure not confuse him about what I want, when I want it. 'No' for me mostly means 'yes but you have to make me' but there are obviously some times when I really am not in the mood, sick/period etc so I have a way of letting him know when to back off or when to push it.

    It would be nice if all guys were mind readers wouldn't it! ;)
  8. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Subarama, I'll merge them for viewing's sake. Thinmint, I suggest that in the future you use the 'edit' option rather than making new posts multiple times in a row. I don't mind that much, but since people are having trouble reading them...
  9. thinmint7

    thinmint7 Member

    Sorry guys! I am extremely computer illiterate but will try not to be so confusing! Ok awesome it would be nice to be psychic wouldn't it, but since I am not I just talked with my guy. Figured I would let y'all know how it went since I used your awesome advice! Haha, but we definitely defined what seemed to be in the way of our play and why, and he set me on tasks to help fix those issues, yay!!! Right now he is going through some emotional blocks that I did not realize at first (I seem to be slightly self absorbed :)) but they make total sense. I think just getting them out in the open made them seem smaller somehow.

    There is definitely a bit of apprehension or apprehension on his part but I think it breaks down to the vanilla sex not being enough rather than he being the one that is not enough, I even told him why I have issues following orders. He really seems to understand and I am excited to play tonight and expand!!

    Thank you guys!!

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