Wow, thank you so much Seb.
That's a really interesting post, not just for the level of detail, but you've actually managed to give me some great insight as to how to go about this.
What I've been learning about myself in this is that nothing really disgusts me - of the examples you gave, forced feminization and verbal abuse are two of the ones relevant to my situation and I'm absolutely fine with those - I was surprised I suppose, but certainly not disgusted. I just felt really unsure of *myself* while doing it... and reading back through the thread I can see that I've just offloaded all my insecurities on here! Maybe the turn-off is more that I don't have a clue what I'm doing, or if it's the correct thing to do? Maybe I'm more vanilla in attitude rather than activity... sex-related kinkiness doesn't really faze me and I'm not averse to browsing Kink.com for my own use sometimes!
I just never thought to treat it like one long assertiveness-training course
I fully intend to take charge a bit more in the relationship as a whole, not just in the bedroom, and then play that back with a reward/punishment system... that could be really cool and I think I'm getting some ideas now.
I told him off last night for being a very demanding sub and begging for too much attention from me, which I felt put me under a bit of pressure and added to my unsureness... he just laughed and said "Honey, you're not meant to give in to whatever the sub asks of you!! Just tell me to shut up and spank me!" So after a talk last night, and reading this in the morning, I think I get it now!
Your number 7 is a point that frightens me actually, and damn right I'm going to insist on that. I saw a very nice thread here about leaving one hand free, and having it "belong" to someone else, maybe on the phone... that's what I'm going to insist on. I know he hasn't been leaving one hand free, but he had a bad scare while I was away - one weekend, on his own (I wasn't due back for another month!) and found he didn't have the wiggle-room necessary to get over to the key for his padlocks... he was still looking a bit white telling me how he thought he was a dead man until one of the leather cuffs gave, and he was so grateful he hadn't buckled it properly! If I come home to find him dead I'm gonna kill him twice over! Maybe I'll make him do it on nights when I'm out with my girls, less than an hour away from returning and he's got to wait for me to come home and find him... apparently the suspense is sexy
To all posters, I can't tell you how much your responses have helped me - from the advice to start really slow and with little things that aren't too different, to the thoughts of Seb which have just really changed my attitude towards this. And also for the thought that you have to have a little bit of both D/S inside you.. I have been thinking about this one, and realised that I was a bit caught up in "having" to be the D, but not thinking about what it might be like from the S perspective... but doing to him what I'd like done to me would probably be a lot more exciting for me. So the conclusion is that a bit of empathy makes for better sexual tension, right?
L8, thank you for mentioning those docs. I had a look at the Caring Domination website - that's the White Knight stuff? I don't think that's for us, but thanks. Nothing wrong with humiliating and weakening a man, if that's what he wants! I've already got an Amazon shopping list up, so I'm going to add Different Loving to that... easier to carry round than my laptop!
I felt so panicked, yesterday, when starting this thread... and while I can't say I've entirely banished my fears, especially about public stuff which I know is a dearly-held dream of my husband's, I feel so much more confident about it now. I'm actually looking forward to tonight, shame it's only 10am here and we're both at work for the rest of the day!
I'm really grateful. Thank you!
