Personality shift possible?

Enusta30 · Dec 29, 2012

Hiya everyone. I've been a long time viewer of this website, just was a bit too timid to sign up and post, but here goes nothing.

So I'm a submissive type. I have been for most of my adult life, and was married to a dominant woman for 10 years. She has left me, and I'm separated at the moment. Now what her and I shared from what I understand was abusive. I don't think I need to go into details about it, but if there are questions, I have no problem going into details.

Anyway, I've been looking online for the last couple of months for a relationship, and well to be blunt, wow. I enjoy the lifestyle, and would like to find someone that I could fall in love with, and live my life with, that has the BDSM aspects to it.

What I'm finding however, is that everyone is far too extreme for me. I'm disabled, don't handle pain well due to it, and do need a bit more extra care when it comes to certain things due to my health. Being submissive, it also seems to me that I have to endure a lot more, and honestly, at this point in my life, I'm not sure if I could handle it.

I know what I want out of a relationship, what I want out of life, and while I don't really want the control aspect to it, I am aiming myself towards those goals. But I'm curious, being submissive and having a passive personality, is it possible to learn how to be dominant, and maybe alter the way I behave?

It seems to me, aside from money, being dominant is a bit easier to manage. I can control what happens, and won't have to endure as much. The biggest stumbling block for me, aside from my personality is actually striking a female. I have never in my life. I don't know why it is ok for someone to do that to me, but not the other way around, but I have a big mental block with it.

I'm probably one of the nicest guys you would ever meet, so for me to be harsh, demanding, and controlling seems very outside my wheelhouse. Let alone with what most submissive girls want. I took a gander at it last night, and I have to say what they are seeking would take a lot of overriding my morals and beliefs to do. So it is something else I struggle with. I realize it isn't abuse in the context of BDSM, and the lifestyle in general, but I don't know if I have the capability to do it.

Also with money, yea, I'm poor. Very poor. I'm on disability for my illness, so that isn't really going to change anytime soon. Being unable to work makes it a challenge I think for me to provide for a woman in the way seems typical. I don't know if in today's society if that is ok or not, but I know from what I've read and researched, being a dominant requires you to provide the toys and the places to play normally, both of which I can't do.

So yep, there it is. All my concerns, in a post. If you could give me any advice as to what to do, it would be great. I'm pretty sure I'm stuck where I am, but I hope to find a solution to it. I'm a happy go lucky person, and want to make a woman happy again. I miss the companionship, and I really miss the romance and passion that goes along with this lifestyle. Thanks for reading all this, and for giving feedback.

stanley_jeffries · Dec 29, 2012

Hi Enusta,
It sounds like you've been through a lot and I can understand why that might get you to question your own feelings.

Obviously I don't know that much about your situation, even though you shared quite a lot in your post. But here's my initial thought.

I think you need to put the BDSM idea to one side and look for someone with whom you can share your life, and perhaps even fall in love.

Since you say most S&M enthusiasts are too extreme for you, I would suggest just trying to find the right woman emotionally for you, and then expore fantasies with her.

Let's take four possible outcomes from this approach:

She turns out to have dominant fantasies. This, of course is your dream scenario and I would urge you not to get your hopes up. But you never know.
She turns out to have submissive fantasies. OK...this isn't too bad either because now you can explore your "personality shift" idea with somebody you have a real emotional connection with.
She has both dominant and submissive fantasies - in other words she's a switch. Again, I think this is great news for you.

However, you need to be ready for the most likely outcome, which is...
She's "normal" (which is a pretty meaningless label). In other words she probably doesn't harbor any kind of S&M fantasies at all. But if she loves you she might enjoy playing along with your fantasies, and since you don't like extreme stuff then it's very likely that she won't have to do anything she's uncomfortable with.

I would suggest that the most likely outcome is also the most desirable for you, but you win in all cases as long as you focus on finding an emotional bond first, and then "talk kink" second.

Cheers,
Stanley

sebastian · Dec 29, 2012

Welcome to SMplace, Enusta.

I'm a little confused about what you're asking. You say you are naturally submissive, and drawn to that, but you want to become dominant because you don't deal well with pain and because you're handicapped. You think a lot of BDSMers are too extreme for you. Do I have that right?

So here are some random thoughts:
1) Yes, it's possible to learn dominance. Most doms have some sub in them, and most subs can at least play dominant if need be. So these roles can be learned, if one has an incentive to do so. One doesn't even have to be truly kinky to learn how to be dominant, though it helps a lot.
2) But your reasoning seems a little off. If being submissive is what feels right to you, be submissive. Being dominant will probably not be real satisfying for you.
3) There are in fact lots of mild kinksters out there, couples who indulge in BDSM occasionally to spice things up or who engage in mild to moderate power exchange. Many keep it in the bedroom, while others extend it into their daily lives, but not very far. I was just talking to a very respected BDSM educator this weekend and I asked him what had changed about BDSM in the 30+ years he's been doing it. His answer was that the extreme players have gotten more extreme, but the mild players have gotten milder. Many people, he says, are easy into the scene or not going very far, so that what he and I consider mild impact play would look like a heavy scene to them. So don't be scared off by the extremists; there are lots of mild players out there.
4) What aspects of BDSM do you enjoy. You don't want pain, and you don't want much control. So are you looking for bondage? A little humiliation?
5) BDSM is about consent and negotiation, especially early on in a relationship. So if you don't want a lot of pain, keep that off the board in your negotiations. Set limits with a prospective domme and loosen them only as you get comfortable with it.
6) Also keep in mind that erotic pain is quite different from stubbing a toe or the like. When done properly, erotic pain can be arousing, exhilarating, and pleasurable. Erotic spanking or tit play is a totally different animal than mundane pain, which is pretty much always unpleasant. So don't be completely opposed to exploring pain; you might find you enjoy it more than you expected to.

sweetling91 · Dec 29, 2012

stanley_jeffries said:
Since you say most S&M enthusiasts are too extreme for you, I would suggest just trying to find the right woman emotionally for you, and then expore fantasies with her.

Hi, I'm not very experienced with these kinds of relationships but I would suggest you should really consider this suggestion stanley_jeffries made.
Since you have been burned before (from what you revealed it was badly) it shouldn't be something extreme. You should build up trust first and trust comes more easily if you have an emotional connection.
The other possibility is that you could find a Domme who isn't into pain. But I would strongly suggest the first option ^^

Sally · Dec 29, 2012

I found my Master over the internet by looking at posts that person posted on different threads, when i found someone whit the heart in the right place, i went for it. We have been together for one and a half years and are going strong. I also tried to find someone that was new to BDSM, so we could grow together and learn together.

Enusta30 · Dec 29, 2012

Pain in of itself isn't really a problem for me. If it is sensual, I'm quite capable of doing that. I'm just not what is considered on the dating places as a pain slut. Such an ugly term if you ask me, but eh.

As far as the relationship itself goes, I would only want a relationship that had love in it. I want to find someone who loves me for me, wants me to be me, and likewise with me for her. The kink aspect of it is important though, because I find I'm not turned on by vanilla stuff, as per my ex. The extreme parts are the humiliation and such, or the amount of ways they want to abuse you. I'm a person, like any other person as far as I'm concerned, and it seems to me with a lot of the folks that are looking for a sub, they want to make you into nothing, humiliate you until you cry and lose yourself. I can understand if someone is into that, I don't judge, but it isn't for me. I like who I am, and want to remain that way. I have no problem growing into something better, or even understanding myself better and becoming a better person through my experiences, but I don't want to go back down the road I just walked up to get where I am.

Sebastian, yes I'm naturally submissive. My reasoning for wanting to learn to be Dominant was because I figured it would be easier, but I've come to realize I'd only be lying to myself if I did, and would be denying myself what I truly am, and that isn't healthy for me or the person I want to be with. As far as interests go, nothing too extreme. I like being bound, whipped in moderation, gagged, blindfolded, forced to please a woman, whether that be orally or physically, within my physical limitations. I used to do some breath play which was fun, and candle wax and ice were other things we used to do that I enjoyed. Tease and denial was also enjoyable, and honestly the general helplessness of the situation turns me on and excites me.

I know breath play is considered edge play, but it was done in a way where I had control of it. Due to my lungs, I have to be extremely careful, so what I used to do was suck on her breast while she held my nose, until I couldn't do anymore, and I would stop sucking. It was the easiest way for me to control it, as I knew when I was had to stop, and was still very enjoyable on my part.

I hope that better explains that. Also, as far as the relationship thing goes, the main reason I ask is because I'm completely new to this stuff. I met my ex in high school, and married her and was for 10 years. I've never dated anyone else before, nor have I had sex with anyone else before, so I have no idea what to expect. From what I see, people are far more extreme then I am, and that scares me a bit. It makes me feel like I won't find someone without giving up who I am, so that is the sole basis of the question.

I've come to realize though, that it just isn't smart to do. I like being submissive, I like pleasing others, and most of all, I like letting someone else take the reins and lead us to where we are going. I have my whole life, and I think trying to change it now would be a bit silly. I'm working my way through some of it, but I think I will be alright. It's good to know that there is a community I can come to and talk about this, and be accepted. You would be surprised at how mean people can really be.

aden045 · Jan 4, 2013

2) But your reasoning seems a little off. If being submissive is what feels right to you, be submissive. Being dominant will probably not be real satisfying for you.
3) There are in fact lots of mild kinksters out there, couples who indulge in BDSM occasionally to spice things up or who engage in mild to moderate power exchange. Many keep it in the bedroom, while others extend it into their daily lives, but not very far. I was just talking to a very respected BDSM educator this weekend and I asked him what had changed about BDSM in the 30+ years he's been doing it. His answer was that the extreme players have gotten more extreme, but the mild players have gotten milder. Many people, he says, are easy into the scene or not going very far, so that what he and I consider mild impact play would look like a heavy scene to them. So don't be scared off by the extremists; there are lots of mild players out there.
4) What aspects of BDSM do you enjoy. You don't want pain, and you don't want much control. So are you looking for bondage? A little humiliation? ????

seth · Jan 10, 2013

Wow, Enusta, I feel that I can relate to you in a way. I also have submissive desires, but consider myself on the "mild" side of BDSM, relatively far from the "extreme" end.

You said,
"I like letting someone else take the reins and lead us to where we are going."
...Very much like my own sentiments.

Stanley_jeffries' advice on finding a woman who meets your emotional needs (before focusing on kink) sounds good to me, as well. I actually was thinking the same thing about myself... as I'm not really "extreme," I figured my best bet might be to pursue someone "normal," shall we say, hoping that she would consider "exploring" with me.

So maybe take this as the "confirmation" you need. It's nice to know you're not alone, isn't it?

Personality shift possible?

Enusta30

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stanley_jeffries

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sebastian

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sweetling91

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Sally

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Enusta30

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aden045

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seth

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