looking for advice on introducing bdsm to a current relationship

GhostGirl · Dec 8, 2009

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on bringing bdsm into a currently vanilla relationship. I've been with my current boyfriend for 5 years and I really love him. I couldn't imagine being with someone else but I have been growing more and more frustrated with our sex life for the past couple of years. We engage in bondage play and some light bdsm now but it really isn't enough for me anymore. Throughout our entire relationship I have only come twice during sex, both times were during some of our more daring encounters. I know I have made this harder on myself because I used to fake orgasms at the beginning of our relationship. I stopped that a while ago and I know how stupid that was now but I was 16 at the time and for some reason it seemed like a good idea. I also used to cut myself in my early teens to deal with depression and recently I have started doing it again except now I do it simply because I need so badly to feel pain. The times when my bf does tie me up/spank me/hurt me I can tell he enjoys it but I think he holds back because he is afraid of seriously hurting me. I don't know how to tell him that I WANT him to hurt me. I want to tell him that I trust him so much that I want to submit myself to him completely but I donâ€™t know how he will take it. I am afraid if I tell him all the dirty things I want he will think that I'm weird or not take me seriously. Has anyone else been in a similar situation. How do you start a conversation like this when you are not sure how the person you care about will react?

btw:Sorry this thread is so long

Urbanx · Dec 8, 2009

Well I'm having a similiar problem with introducing BDSM into a relationship. But I've had a bit more success. You may not get exactly what you want in the end but if you want something you should ask for it. Communication is key in any relationship. You should talk about your wants and needs so he knows what to do. He may not feel comfortable doing those things for you but if you never ask you'll never know. I would also like to make a comment about cutting yourself. I've had depression I've done it and it is not a good outlet. Okay off the soap box, at any rate I was extremely upfront with my girlfriend that I liked those things and yes I haven't gotten everything I've wanted but on the other hand the results aren't instant and your partner is only going to go as far as they want to. I hope that helps.

AfterDark · Dec 8, 2009

GhostGirl:
I had an issue like this, both of us did at the beginning of our relationship in fact. We always told each other that we were â€œfreaksâ€ but neither of us wanted to put it on the line and let out deepest darkest desires be known for the same reasons you stated. So for a year or two we engaged in light bondage. I remember when plastic, dollar-store handcuffs, and a finger up the butt were the pinnacle of our exploration.

Then one day we started watching bondage porn together, small clips here and there that we found interesting. We would light-heartedly tell each other to think of the dirtiest stuff we could (of course we were still holding back) and then try to find videos of people doing those things.

One thing led to another and before you know it we were neck deep into the world of BDSM and all the truly dark corners of it. We would watch videos together and talk about them, if we wanted to try it, and if it looked like a turn-on. More often than not we did, and when we did we liked it!! Sometimes we even made it a challenge or game. We would tell each other to find a video or pic of something that was a fantasy of ours and then see if we could seek it out and reenact it. It turned into a wonderful relationship with a healthy mix of normal vanilla sex and BDSM role play. Also get into books, a ,MUST READ for vanilla wanting to go kinky is Ann Rice â€œThe Beauty Seriesâ€ written under the Penn name A.N. Roquelaure. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Claiming_of_Sleeping_Beauty '
Or maybe "The Collector" by John Fowles http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Collector This one is a little lighter and more of a "normal" story but deals with captivity and forced submission.

As Urbanx said communication is the key, but a little subterfuge to get the point a crossed never hurt anything. â€œOhh honey my friend sent me this email video (or told me this story) of a chick tied up and getting whipped, it was almost kinda hot do you think you would every like to try that, or watch this video I came a crossed?â€ Something along those linesâ€¦.

Working that way if you show your boyfriend a video or a story he is turned-off by you can just play it off and say something like â€œyeah that looked a little too out there for me too but I just wanted to get your opinion.â€ Give that a go for a while, the first time you truly do something and he sees how dripping wet you get I can almost guarantee you his mind will quickly take a turn to the darkside muehahahahaâ€¦.

That is my best advice, and if that doesnâ€™t work, sadly it might be time to move on. Because a closet kinkster is never gunna be happy in a straight vanilla relationship. Hopefully after some time of approaching it that way you will have a top/bottom relationship youâ€™ve always wanted, I wish you luck!!

I am not sure if I can post links to BDSM sites here but just Google â€œBDSM Thumbnail Galleriesâ€ and that should get you going in the right directionâ€¦.

subspace · Dec 9, 2009

GhostGirl said:
I also used to cut myself in my early teens to deal with depression and recently I have started doing it again except now I do it simply because I need so badly to feel pain.
btw:Sorry this thread is so long

Ok I know this isnt the heart of your post but I had to comment on it. I have this very same issue and I do find that at times of high stress (frustration over your sex life definitely counts!) the urge is worse. Think back to why you did this years ago as apposed to why you do it now. My guess is that it goes way deeper than the need to feel pain, the depression plays a bigger part. If you can get a handle on your depression - medication & Cognitive Behavior Therapy combos are best - your need to cut will decrease. Remember too that the longer you cut the harder it is to break the habit. My therapist gave me a great suggestion to replace cutting that has tons of research behind, its called 'ice diving'. Basically when the urge hits you submerge your face in a bowl of ice-water, or if that is not logistical you can hold an ice-pack to your face. This has been shown to have the same effect as cutting in that it resets your Central Nervous System.

Good luck and welcome to the forum!!

pepeluism · Dec 10, 2009

To me it sounds he might be on the fence with this, so hopefully some big statement will get him to go for it.

Why not be blunt and buy a whip? Be sure to buy a single tail one, or a cat o nine tails. One that makes it very clear you are going after pain. Give it to him while you are naked, present yourself and tell him to punish you. Not in a cute/playful voice. Be serious.

Now, to be sure, it will take a lot from you to convince him to really start hitting hard. It might take him a while. Whatever he does, thank him and tell him you really loved that.

Now, do you have to get your pain fix from him? Because I can tell you it's probably not too hard to find some sadistic Master out there who will give it to you.

theonlyone · Dec 11, 2009

I agree on the honesty. Im married, have known my hubby for almost 6 years and we just started playing this year. I tried hinting, but eventually had to break down and tell him that i truly enjoy pain, and want him to dominate me. Things haven't been spectacular, but its a process [i assume/hope]. Theres always the good ol' get drunk, tell him, then let him process for a few days. Luckily my Man is an introvert and in his head enough that it worked out pretty well for me.
I do feel the need to tell you that [from my experience] telling him isnt going to be the really hard part. For me, its getting him to dedicate the time and energy to more than 20 min of play and then screw. I have yet to be tied up for more than 10 min, or have a bruise or any kind of mark on me for more than 20 min afterwards, i digress. Just realize that unless you are super lucky this will be an up hill battle of helping him look in to him self, see the nasty monsters that lurk in the corners of his mind, tame them, and use them to make yalls relationship great. I do strongly recommend it though, the best thing to ruin a relationship is if one partner is sexually unfulfilled.
I too used to cut my self and still to this day have the urge when my life gets too hectic or stressful, or I am waay too sick of vanilla sex. [eugh] I wonder what the stats are on the percentage of subs that used to self mutilate.... any who. I REALLY like the idea of the 'ice diving', and will try it out next time I find my self wishing I had a blade.

Good luck Ghost Girl

looking for advice on introducing bdsm to a current relationship

GhostGirl

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Urbanx

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AfterDark

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subspace

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pepeluism

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theonlyone

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