Maintaining a Relationship where only one partner is into BDSM...

handcuff_freak · Apr 21, 2010

I am in to bondage and my wife isn't. We did it off and on (mostly off) during the years. We recently had a long talk about everything to do with our relationship. We are getting into bondage more than I thought we ever would. Trying to mix what I love with things that would be fun for her too. Her having fun with it is just as important for me. Its hard getting her to understand it all though. The more she does it the more she finds things she likes about it. She loves punishing me by hitting my balls. Ouch, but if I'm naughty I deserve it. She loves tying me tight and using an ice pack to make me squirm around. Its all just finding things you love doing with him too. Just don't ignore what he wants too.

I hope everything goes good with you two.

Mistress_Andrea · Apr 21, 2010

It's GREAT that you are open-mined and trying to learn new ways to connect with your husband. But I think before you address anything BDSM related with your husband, you need to talk to him about your fears of him leaving you if you don't become what he wants you to be... find out where he stands there. Because if you go into domming him with the fear that if you aren't good enough or decide this really isn't something you can do as often as he wants that he'll leave you, you are going to end up resenting the lifestyle, resenting him, and resenting the person you've become. First you have to make sure that there is a strong, steady base of respect and love.. come what may.. between the two of you BEFORE you enter into something that demands even more love and respect in order to thrive. If you are comfortable with your relationship and decide to go this route with him, make it clear that he needs to: quit thinking with his penis.. realize you're in charge.. realize things progress at your pace.. and make sure he realizes that hidden truths (the toys he hid) are still lies and are not acceptable. Domming your husband requires having a buttload of confidence in yourself.. find that confidence and you'll have no problem.

handcuff_freak · Apr 25, 2010

I have been married 3yrs and my wife isn't into bondage at all. If it were up to her we would throw out all our bondage toys

She has been having some fun with it, but not near as much as I would like. She loves doing it for me though and she is so good at it! There are some things I have been trying to teach her, but that all takes time.

One thing I have realized is that for me its more important that we get along everywhere else first. We didn't choose a life partner by how the sex life is. This can be hard when it comes to the sex, but with a few long talks the vanilla person can understand the need of it all. My wife loves making my dreams come true. I in turn try to do more for her than I usually do. I used to hate doing oral on her, but after she agreed to tie me up more I started doing more oral for her. She agrees its a good trade off. I now love doing oral mainly for the fact that she loves it.

It all can work if you both are willing to help each other out. Communication is key! Good luck!

sebastian · Apr 25, 2010

Handcuff, that's very much the way I look at the issue as well. Sexual compatibility is only one of the things in a relationship. In my opinion, people expect too much out of their marriages. No one gets 100% of what they want in a partner, so it's important to accept that your partner won't be able to meet every need you have in every aspect of your life. If sex is the part of your marriage that requires work and compromise, that doesn't mean the marriage is doomed, particularly if the other parts work well and make the need to work at sex worthwhile. Marriage requires sacrifice, and in some cases, that sacrifice is a totally satisfying sex life.

TerribleT · Apr 26, 2010

sebastian said:
Marriage requires sacrifice, and in some cases, that sacrifice is a totally satisfying sex life.

Lolololol!!!!

Best quote!
To OP, I am married to someone who was repelled by non vanilla sex. She's done a complete 180Â°......but that's another story... my point is, don't take kinky sex too seriously (and this is just my opinion). Sex is supposed to be a good time....fun! Keep it fun. I tell anyone who asks, we're adults. We're in serious relationships. We have a trust between us that we never knew before. We can have sex and have fun with it now. We can pretend or roll play, we can act out fantasies, we can experiment with different positions or toys. The bottom line is kinky sex is a game for me and mine. It's our little secret and it's fun.
Good luck.

handcuff_freak · Apr 26, 2010

TerribleT: Sex is supposed to be fun and a game. I agree. My wife doesn't enjoy most of the bondage stuff that we do, but I am continually looking for things she will like. I like to think I am slowly converting her. Ha ha

Maintaining a Relationship where only one partner is into BDSM...

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