MIRROR: Download from MEGA
This is kind of hard to explain every aspect all in one go, but I'm going to do my best. For a short description of myself, I'm a submissive gay male in the US southeast. I had some issues arise in childhood and eventually found my way to a woman named Mary. She was an older Dominant, who helped sort out a lot of issues in my head, and train me not only as a submissive, but in safety and to be strong and productive in life. She guided me more towards a pet play and intimately oriented submission. Mary passed away a few years ago, but I'm still striving to honor her memory by getting a nursing degree, and maybe even following in her footsteps to get my doctorate.
It all started about a year ago, I met a gentleman who I'll just call pup from now on. He lived on the other side of the country and after a few weeks we developed a delightful chemistry. Though we never dated, the relationship between us flourished. There was an iron shod bar of trust, and it eventually lead to us looking into and exploring a D/s styled relationship. He was a bit new to it, and I haven't really experienced the comfort of being able to submit and feel safe since Mary had passed. We both took it slow, he did extensive reading and I explained everything I had been taught. It eventually progressed into something, altogether rather beautiful and wonderful for both parties.
Now comes the harder part. The distance was a little daunting for him, even with the promise of my relocation after my degrees were acquired. (Getting those is the last order of Mary before she passed.) It was openly discussed that he may find someone else, and as such, I just requested open communication and warning so that we may adjust our relationship accordingly and have time to slowly shift. I still remember his exact quote the day he left for the date. I was nervous for some reason and he said "Don't you worry little bunbun, I'm taking things slow at best, and I'm not ready to date. Nothing will be changing between us, because I still cherish what we have, I promise. So smile, okay?" The very next words he spoke to me was an affirmation that he was dating, and that all of our intimacy was gone from there on. (As a quick aside, I do not fault pup for finding another man, I even support this as it will make the man I love and submitted to, happy. My inner turmoil comes mostly from all the broken promises, broken trust, and scrambling to wonder just how everything could freely be released in seconds.. )
I asked for time specifically with him the next night, a Friday, so we could sit down and actually discuss just what happens between he and I. He forgot he promised me time, and then completely vanished and didn't both responding to anything I said until Sunday. In his mind, he didn't think this was any different than a normal weekend, and didn't realize I was going neigh insane with worry over the prospect of just being disowned so abruptly. I'm not sure what exactly happened, but it once got so bad I shook so hard I couldn't sleep. Sadly, even until now, he offers up ten thousand apologies, but refuses to really sit down and explain or fix anything between us, feeling like the bond that was formed was more like a game, than a trusting connection apparently.
I do still love him dearly, but all the sanity in me is telling me to move away, because if he's hurt like this, he can do it again. Now, I'm sure this is probably partially my fault somewhere.. but I don't know what to do. How do you go back to trusting a Dominant in general, when you trusted one who was worthy of that trust, and then completely dropped the ball in the end? It's hard to see the bond you thought you had while submitting to someone, seemingly mean nothing. I'm no expert, all I have is the memories and lessons Mary taught me, but she never taught me how to unsubmit, or move on from this sort of ordeal. I'm at my wits ends, and thus, why I'm here hoping I can learn a little from those with far more experience than I. Please.. I thank anyone who takes a moment to offer any sort of helpful advice, because I really need it. (I do also apologize, but I have to run off to work now, so I'll be popping in and out after work, and when I'm done with BLS training tomorrow)
-Bun
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