Looking for advice on fixing some things after trusting in the wrong Dom.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Lil Bunny, May 17, 2013.

  1. Lil Bunny

    Lil Bunny New Member

    Good morning/afternoon/evening. I'm new to this forum and really a bit nervous posting. I'm currently in a situation where I'm really at a loss for what I'm feeling, and just what I should do. My personal guide in D/s is no longer with us, so I'm swallowing a bit of nervousness to seek it out here. Before I post the longer story of what all happened, I just want to make sure this is an okay forum for it? I tried to choose the correct place on the boards, and I just want to make sure that I'm in the right area.

  2. Crazyguy123

    Crazyguy123 Member

    This is probably about as good of a place as any to post in, regarding the topic. If you're nervous about it, perhaps to give yourself a reason to feel less nervous, you could change names or alter certain details so you and the other people in your story remain anonymous.
  3. Lil Bunny

    Lil Bunny New Member

    Thank you, I had already planned on it. I'm just, a bit nervous in the community as a whole and on this subject, but here it goes.

    Last edited: May 20, 2013
  4. Lil Bunny

    Lil Bunny New Member

    This is kind of hard to explain every aspect all in one go, but I'm going to do my best. For a short description of myself, I'm a submissive gay male in the US southeast. I had some issues arise in childhood and eventually found my way to a woman named Mary. She was an older Dominant, who helped sort out a lot of issues in my head, and train me not only as a submissive, but in safety and to be strong and productive in life. She guided me more towards a pet play and intimately oriented submission. Mary passed away a few years ago, but I'm still striving to honor her memory by getting a nursing degree, and maybe even following in her footsteps to get my doctorate.

    It all started about a year ago, I met a gentleman who I'll just call pup from now on. He lived on the other side of the country and after a few weeks we developed a delightful chemistry. Though we never dated, the relationship between us flourished. There was an iron shod bar of trust, and it eventually lead to us looking into and exploring a D/s styled relationship. He was a bit new to it, and I haven't really experienced the comfort of being able to submit and feel safe since Mary had passed. We both took it slow, he did extensive reading and I explained everything I had been taught. It eventually progressed into something, altogether rather beautiful and wonderful for both parties.

    Now comes the harder part. The distance was a little daunting for him, even with the promise of my relocation after my degrees were acquired. (Getting those is the last order of Mary before she passed.) It was openly discussed that he may find someone else, and as such, I just requested open communication and warning so that we may adjust our relationship accordingly and have time to slowly shift. I still remember his exact quote the day he left for the date. I was nervous for some reason and he said "Don't you worry little bunbun, I'm taking things slow at best, and I'm not ready to date. Nothing will be changing between us, because I still cherish what we have, I promise. So smile, okay?" The very next words he spoke to me was an affirmation that he was dating, and that all of our intimacy was gone from there on. (As a quick aside, I do not fault pup for finding another man, I even support this as it will make the man I love and submitted to, happy. My inner turmoil comes mostly from all the broken promises, broken trust, and scrambling to wonder just how everything could freely be released in seconds.. )

    I asked for time specifically with him the next night, a Friday, so we could sit down and actually discuss just what happens between he and I. He forgot he promised me time, and then completely vanished and didn't both responding to anything I said until Sunday. In his mind, he didn't think this was any different than a normal weekend, and didn't realize I was going neigh insane with worry over the prospect of just being disowned so abruptly. I'm not sure what exactly happened, but it once got so bad I shook so hard I couldn't sleep. Sadly, even until now, he offers up ten thousand apologies, but refuses to really sit down and explain or fix anything between us, feeling like the bond that was formed was more like a game, than a trusting connection apparently.

    I do still love him dearly, but all the sanity in me is telling me to move away, because if he's hurt like this, he can do it again. Now, I'm sure this is probably partially my fault somewhere.. but I don't know what to do. How do you go back to trusting a Dominant in general, when you trusted one who was worthy of that trust, and then completely dropped the ball in the end? It's hard to see the bond you thought you had while submitting to someone, seemingly mean nothing. I'm no expert, all I have is the memories and lessons Mary taught me, but she never taught me how to unsubmit, or move on from this sort of ordeal. I'm at my wits ends, and thus, why I'm here hoping I can learn a little from those with far more experience than I. Please.. I thank anyone who takes a moment to offer any sort of helpful advice, because I really need it. (I do also apologize, but I have to run off to work now, so I'll be popping in and out after work, and when I'm done with BLS training tomorrow)

  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    I'm sorry to hear that things have been so rough for you. I don't have time for a lengthy analysis right now (I'm traveling), but my basic advice to understand that most online relationships never get to 'face time' level. They can be very helpful in helping you wrap your head around basic principles and feelings, but from what I have seen, they nearly always end with some variation of what you experienced. It's hard and painful, because online relationships can be very real. What I would suggest is that you start looking around in your area for a dom that you can meet in person. Start slowly--chat online for a bit, meet for coffee once or twice, then meet to play if you think you can trust him (don't do bondage in your first session or two).

    Try Recon or Manhunt, both of which are good places to find gay doms, or Collarme, which is pansexual.

    If I have time, I'll post more later today.
  6. Lil Bunny

    Lil Bunny New Member

    Thank you kindly for your response Sebastian, I know forums work slow, but it is a little reassuring to hear from another. Please do take your time though, I wouldn't want to interrupt your travels, especially if you're off on a nice vacation or the like. Rough does seem to be the way life goes sometimes, but I'm trying to lose myself in other things. I passed my training, so now I'm a certified first responder, and I'm starting up summer classes today so I will both be around and able to occupy my mind if I need it. As for what you said.. -looks forlornly at the airplane ticket he can neither refund nor exchange- Saved up all of last semester for us to get to the point of face time. So, I'm a bit nervous about that trip, and planning myriad ways to avoid him, or any bad situations. I will take your advice and look over those two sites, though I'm taking things slow. My main goal right now is trying to figure out how to unravel what I set up with pup, so that when I'm ready I can move on completely to someone else if it should arise.

    Thank you again for your reply, Sebastian, and I hope you are having a nice time wherever you are traveling. It would be nice to hear a full analysis, of which please feel free to ask me anything you would like to know. Just please don't stress over it if you're on vacation, I'd hate to interrupt such.

  7. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Bun, I think you need to step back a little and look at what happened objectively. You developed an online relationship with a dom. This relationship was very real and meaningful for you. Your dom, however, clearly didn't find it as real and important as you did; maybe it was real, but the lack of a physical side undermined it, or maybe it was just casual play for him, or maybe he's not really very dominant and he was just exploring his fantasies and got worried when he realized you were being more serious and wanted to meet. All three are possible--I've seen them all. Regardless, it seems clear that he isn't as invested in this relationship as you were/are. That really hurts.

    I think the thing to do is just walk away. You still care for him, but I think you need to accept that he's not the one for you and begin looking elsewhere. It takes a lot of time and effort for most people to find their power exchange partner, so don't feel bad. Disappointments, false starts, and failures are pretty common, and don't say anything about you as a sub or person.
  8. Mistywillow

    Mistywillow Member

    Hi Lil Bunny

    I just read your post & wanted to say bless you & my heart bleeds for.

    It sounds like you invested more into the relationship than pup did & from the way you write he obviously still means a lot to you. However, this does not mean you will never find a relationship as special again, but you do need to let go before you can move forward (just my opinion).

    Take care & best wishes x
  9. adultfulltilt.com

    adultfulltilt.com New Member

    Well said,

    from the sounds of it perhaps a miscommunication issue arose, or you invested more than he did. This is common and no need to fret. Yes take some time and get your head straightened out and then you will realize you are little smarter and wiser. Hope everything works out for you :)
  10. Lil Bunny

    Lil Bunny New Member

    Thank you all very much. It's a lot to think about, and I think there were more than a few things that I needed to hear in what you have all said. Particularly "Disappointments, false starts, and failures are pretty common, and don't say anything about you as a sub or person." I suppose it's very easy to shoulder the blame and feel like you've messed up somethings potential, when in essence, everything going right is the rarer outcome. I think I'm going to take your advice slowly, distancing myself a bit before I walk away. If I'm reading right, it'll just take some time to sort out my mind, and time is something I will happily give for feeling better.

    I don't really know how to fully express this, but thank you three. I'm kind of doing my best in this whole area without Mary, and it is more comforting than I can physically put into words that there are others I can ask for a little helpful advice when I'm lost. Thank you three so very much, I appreciate all of your help immensely, and hope I can one day return the favor.

  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    That's what we're here for!

    Remember, time heals all wounds, and wounds all heels.
  12. Mistywillow

    Mistywillow Member

    Anytime :)

    We all experience loss in some form or another & seeking advice & support from others is natural. Mary will always be with you as she is in your heart. Stay strong & true to yourself. As sebastian said time heals all wounds.


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