Some advice on bondage

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by shinigami.guy, Jun 23, 2012.

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  1. shinigami.guy

    shinigami.guy New Member

    First off, hi all, this is my first post on here.

    So my wife and I have been dabbling in bondage every now and then, pretty much the most it ever goes is a blindfold and hands and maybe feet tied to the bed. Have done some light spanking. We have a safe word system going and I have read up on bondage safety and know how to do a few safe knots. But I'm really at a loss as what to do after she is tied up... It generally consists of me going down on her and then having pretty vanilla sex. That's about it.... I know she doesn't like hardcore pain stuff. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't like name calling, humiliation etc. Pretty much just the tieing up part. What can you do though if they don't want pain, torture, humiliation, etc, to heighten the experience? Tried talking to her about it but she will never open up about it. Pretty much just says "if you want to" when I ask her about something. Anyway, thats not the point here... Just looking for ideas of what the heck to do? When it comes to the time, I don't want to be fumbling around looking like I have no idea what I'm doing... Thanks in advance :)
     
  2. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    We have scented and even flavored oils for the body my husband uses on me.

    We have feather that he tickles me with.

    We do mild to moderate pain but nothing that would make me actually cry.

    We have vibrators and other such toys as well
     
  3. shinigami.guy

    shinigami.guy New Member

    What does the "mild pain" involve?

    Thanks for your response.
     
  4. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Pain doesnt have to be hardcore. You can lightly spank her or bite various parts of her body. By switching up slightly harder impact with a lick or kiss, it will blur the pleasure/pain thing and make her more receptive. You start to associate the two together so can get off on something not so nice because of the reward afterwards and maybe find that you can take more pain as time goes on. You can also make her do thing to you while she is bound, bjs whatever.

    Some people just like the bondage aspect of it and that is enough for them but I think you have to try harder to get her to open up about what she likes as you are not a mind reader. What works for one of us she might hate.
     
  5. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    In my head, there are two ways to approach bondages. Some bondage fans (tops and bottoms) focus on the act of bondage itself; for them, tying someone up or being tied up IS the sexual act. For others, like myself, bondage is more of a means to an end; for us, tying someone up or being tied up is preparation for what is to come, which is sexual acts like torture, edging, fucking, and so on. So part of the problem here is that your wife may fall into the first camp--she finds being tied up very sexual, while you fall into the second camp--you feel like you want to DO something to her when she's tied up. So you may not be well-matched in terms of your bondage interests. That doesn't mean things won't work--as long as she is willing to tolerate being used when she's tied up, and as long as you are willing to not push her too far when using her, you can find a happy medium.

    Some subs like struggling against the bondage. They may enjoy the challenge of trying to get loose, or they may enjoy the frustration of not being able to get loose. Once tied, they struggle against the ropes. Other subs get off on the feeling of immobilization. Once tied, they tend to become very still. Knowing which type your wife is can give you ideas of further play. If she's a struggler, you can give her challenges to get out, with rewards if she gets out fast enough and penalties if she doesn't. Or you can do things like spank her until she gets out, to give her struggles more purpose. If she's into immobilization you can explore ways to make her more immobile, for example getting a straight-jacket or a sleep sack.

    But you want things to do to her once she's tied up--you want to use her, and just vanilla fucking isn't satisfying. I am the same way. One thing to consider is that just because your wife doesn't enjoy something doesn't mean that you as the dom cannot do those things. As long as she is willing to accept them, you can do them. Part of being dominant is getting to do things that aren't necessarily what the sub wants. Your wife has limits, and has the right to safe word if what you're doing is making her unhappy, but until she safe words, you can do things like call her names. Since you two are not natural fits for BDSM, you both need to look at play as compromise. You're going through the trouble of tying her up, which is giving her what she wants but isn't really hitting your buttons, so she needs to accept some discomfort to give you what you want. So talk to her and let her know that you need some room to do things like verbal abuse and pain play, but that you'll stop if she safe words.

    So let's talk pain play. Subarama is right on this--start very mildly and build slowly. The nerves that carry pleasure also carry pain. They can't send both signals at once. So if you get the nerves firing off pleasure signals, you can switch over to pain and the body will read it as pleasure, up to a certain point, after which the body recognizes that it's in pain. And not everyone has the same capacity for this (so what works on a hardcore pain slut may never work on your wife). But if she enjoys a little erotic pain, she probably has room to grow. For example, start on her nipples by licking, kissing and sucking them. Once she's enjoying that, start using some force, biting them, pinching them, twisting them. Go easy at first and gradually get rougher. Watch her closely to gauge her reactions--if she's enjoying it, she'll probably grimace a little, writhe or pull away slightly, suck in her breath, make soft moans or mild grunts or other sensuous, happy noises. If she's not enjoying it, she'll wince, really try to pull away, say 'ow!' or make other non-sensuous, unhappy noises. If she's enjoy it and then suddenly seems to not enjoy it, switch back to pleasurable play for a while. Or give her the safe word 'yellow'--'I'm approaching a limit, but I can keep going for a little bit'. When she says yellow, immediately go back to pleasure.

    Explore sensation play, which alternates pain, pleasure, and other sensations. So lick her nipple, then pinch it, then lick it, then use an ice cube on it, then rub it with something soft and furry, then pinch it, and so on. Or give her pain and pleasure simultaneously--finger her pussy while you're biting her nipples. Then suck her nips while you're running your fingernails over her thighs. The idea here is to mix different sensations in unpredictable ways, so she can't get used to just one thing. And by mixing pain and pleasure, you're getting her nerves to shoot off pleasure signals for pain.

    Consider sensory deprivation. Blindfolding her means she can't see what you're going to do next--she doesn't know if you're going to use a dildo or a paddle on her. Some doms take it further and use headphones to play music so she can't even listen for clues. You might tie her, blindfold her, put in headphones, and then just leave her for a few minutes (if she's an immobilization sub, she may really like that). Then start fondling her and go from there.

    Mild pain is relative; it varies from sub to sub. Some subs can handle enormous punishment on their tits, while others can barely tolerate mild pinches. And pain levels vary across the body. My nips can handle a good deal of pain, but my balls are so sensitive, even sucking them wrong can make me nauseous. Different kinds of pain have different thresholds. Some subs like dull, 'thudding' pain from leather floggers and wide paddles, while others like sharp 'stinging' pain, from rubber floggers and narrow canes. I've known guys who loved having their balls pulled on or squeezed, but hated having them slapped. So rather than trying to define an arbitrary 'mild vs hard' scale with your wife, just explore and find out what she likes and what she doesn't. Have her use the yellow safe word when whatever your doing start to approach uncomfortableness. Then once you've gauged how rough you can get with a particular type of pain, see if you can gradually increase what she can handle--many subs gradually raise their threshold over time as they get used to something and develop a tolerance for it.

    Subarama is also right that your wife is expecting you to be a mind-reader. That's unfair to you, because you're not telepathic. This is something many subs do; they just expect the dom to magically know what they want and what they don't want. But that doesn't work; it's a recipe for bruised feelings all around. So make her tell you what's in her head. Maybe she's embarrassed to admit her kinks, or maybe she doesn't quite know them and is having trouble articulating them. But she needs to find ways to tell you.

    In fact, you can build bondage games around that. You could do an interrogation scene--tie her up and then start fondling her. "You like this, don't you, you dirty slut?" In this game, if she actually wants you to stop, she uses her safe word. If she says no, you get to keep going. Call her a liar, make her say yes. Then when she says yes, tell her she's a kinky bitch for liking that. In other words, use her turn ons as reasons to humiliate her. Or you can tie her up and just start exploring what you want to do, and make her tell you if she's enjoying it or not. She may genuinely not know that she has a particular button. I still vividly remember the first time my ex-husband sucked my ear. I'd never had anyone do that before, I'd never fantasized about it, but the moment he did it, I want wild for it.

    The point here is that you need to find ways to get your wife to open up and communicate. Have her write out a fantasy that turns her on and then play it out with her. Or talk about it over dinner, in a non-sexual setting. Or just cuddle and fondle her and have her tell you what's running through her mind. But she's got to start talking.
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2012
  6. Sebastian, to use a US expression that I hope will not appear condescending; you are a cool dude!

    I always learn something interesting from your posts - thank you!
     
  7. shinigami.guy

    shinigami.guy New Member

    Wow. That is great advice! Thankyou Sebastian and subarama :)

    She seems to go really still if she is tied up so maybe like you said about the immobilization applies to her...

    I do enjoy tieing her up though, but it always seems to be dark and done very quickly. Next time I will try to draw that part out a bit and try to gauge her reactions.

    Might try to whole blindfold and music with headphones too. Set up a towel and some massage oil etc next to the fire...

    Sometimes I just really don't get women :( Sorry to be kinda general in this next statement but they seem to always hide things and expect you to read their minds and when you cant, you get in trouble for not knowing :/

    Note to self... try to be more telepathic. lol

    Anyway, thanks for the great advice people.
     
  8. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Thanks, Stanley. That's not condescending at all. I'm glad you find them helpful.
     
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Shinigami: If you enjoy the act of tying her up and she likes being immobilized, make the tying up part of the process. Make it a ritual, and do it slowly. Tie one leg down and then tease her sexually, make her beg you for the next rope, and she doesn't get that rope until she figures out just exactly how you want her to beg.

    Or make a role-playing scene out of it. You're a burglar who's surprised her in her sleep, and you're going to tie her down and rape her. Or she's a spy and you're a bad guy who's captured her and is going to tie her up and interrogate her. Yeah, those are sort of cliches, but the point is to have fun with the cliches. You both know what's supposed to happen and what your part involves.
     
  10. RopeRanger

    RopeRanger Member

    Shinigami, women process their senses in parallel (men are serial thinkers - on thing at a time)so you should try to address as many senses as you can at once. Blindfold, candle, music touch all at once. If she enjoys being tied don't forget to be sensual about it. Rope can be used to flog, tickle or burn. If you use silk bindings they can be pulled over sensitive body parts for pleasure then contrasted with rope for roughness.

    What do you do once she's tied up? What does she like? do almost enough of that. Stop just short of finishing. Then do something you like. Make her cold, make her hot, Ask if she wants a drink of water and give her lemonade instead. Find one spot that captures your interest and focus on that to the pot of irritation then move to something else.

    Heck just take 5 or 10 minutes and just enjoy the view.
     
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