limits...how to set them?

[P.S.Eudonym]

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Now, with that being said, there are bdsm relationships where a dom may do things without the subs permission.

Even if it seems obvious, I would like to spell out the counter argument to this. There are two forms of consent: stated and silent. Stated is straight forward, you talked about it and agreed. Silent consent is more difficult to judge and thats where trust and responsibility come in. Trust is a little nebulous and few people seem to realize what the term entails:

• The dom needs to trust himself to observe safety protocols regardless of his desires.
• The dom needs to trust his own limits and observe them despite his subs desires. This includes on the fly reevaluation.
• The dom needs to trust his sub to voice limits and to deny consent when necessary.
• The sub needs to trust herself to tell the difference between hurt and harm and voice it as necessary.
• The sub needs to trust in her own limits and observe them despite her doms desires. This includes on the fly reevaluation.
• The sub needs to trust her dom to follow the denial of stated or silent consent. I.E. Stop.

As a simple rule of the thumb, when in doubt, its a limit and should be observed for the time being.

now I’m afraid to say no, because of what I might miss

This is where you move into dangerous territory, because you do not observe limits but wish to be lead blindly. This is a common mistake, expecially among new subs, the hope/ wish that your dom finds/ knows your limits for you. This often leads to less satisfaction and a lack of safety.

Your dom tried something new, which in essence is fine. However, did he wise up on safety before he did? When my fiance asked me about breath play, I flat out refused until I had consulted with a medical professional about the risks involved, read up about it and had trained on myself to ensure I do not accidentaly harm her. If he did all that before doing it to you, he followed protocol and everything is fine. If it was a spur of the moment thing, than he needs to stop that. At the risk of stealing Sebastian's line, a good dom never does anything to a sub that he has not tried on himself first.

You have discovered that you liked something you would have previously flat out refused. That is a good thing. Now use that experience as a point of reference to reconsider things you also would have refused before and talk to your dom about them. If you both like the idea of something, inform yourself about the necessary safety precautions and then feel free to try. But never ever be affraid to say no because you might like it.

 

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[sebastian]

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I think it's important to note that TPE is a fairly advanced form of play. It should really only be entered into after the dom and sub have been together for a long time and have learned each other's limits and needs and patterns quite well. That allows the sub to trust the dom to know where the sub can be pushed and where he can't be pushed and to trust that the dom knows how much of something the sub can handle. And even in TPE, the dom and sub should be having regular conversations about what works and what doesn't and what they both want to explore.

 

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[TwistedSister]

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I am sort of on the other side of the fence ... I like breath play ... I LOVE the feeling of actually giving that control over to him. For me, it is a line of demarcation - no pun intended - it is way for me to completely give my power to him. That being said - what He told me to do was readu up on breath play. Read and analayze the physical responses to a lack of oxygen. And I read a lot. Jay Weissman (sp) has a great article on it. and I read a lot about nerves, blood flow, etc ... Ok OK you say. What that did for me was tounderstan the inherent risks of such play. If you Master is not completely aware of the physical repercussions, you both would benefit from reading articles together ... keeping you communication open by expoling the "whys" behind the "whats"

 

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