I want my own cuffs...not the ones my BF's previous sub wore.

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by firenurse, Sep 1, 2012.

  1. firenurse

    firenurse New Member

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    I am new here, and I've been having a heck of a time trying to find someone to ask this question to!

    My Dom has his own set of leather cuffs (wrist and ankle). We are supposed to be getting married when he comes home (he has been overseas in the sandbox for over a year, so while we have a commitment to each other, there's no date set yet). I have always had this aversion to wearing the cuffs he has. I never had my own, but, something about wearing these cuffs I know have been around other women's wrists/ankles just turns me off.

    I was thinking about asking for my own set. I have mentioned that I don't like wearing his other cuffs, just because they were on a previous partner (actually, one serious partner, and other people he dated/played with). He didn't really get it, and it's gone by the wayside. He wasn't rude about it, I just don't think he understands how much it bothers me. I can be so sensitive about certain things, and this is one of them. Not sure why, cause I've worn other cuffs, but....right now, with marriage on the table (talk of it, anyway...), it's bothering me more than ever. I feel silly sometimes when I think about just how much it bothers me.

    I've not asked anyone about this, because the few friends I've brought it up to looked at me like I was nuts. They didn't care. I don't have a huge set of friends in the lifestyle, so I went looking online to try and find others who may understand. So far, nothing. I've been lurking here for almost a year, and this burning question finally got me to muster up the courage to register and ASK. I certainly hope this is the right place to ask. This was NOT easy to ask. I am painfully SHY. :)

    So...since I know it's not just subs here, I'd welcome opinions from anyone. Anyone ever heard of a sub wanting her own cuffs, or having a real aversion to wearing cuffs with a dedicated partner who used those cuffs on others before her? Sometimes I feel I am just being silly, but...it keeps on bothering me. I don't know what to make of it. Should I just get over it? Am I over-reacting, or being too sensitive? To me, it's almost like having a previous fiancee's engagement ring. Does that make sense, or am just way over the top here?

    I have written and erased this post without submitting it about a dozen times today. Why does this bother me so much?!???


    (very sorry about the length of this post!)

  2. MIRROR: Download from MEGA

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    Hello there,

    Firstly welcome, most people on here are full of information/advice and are very friendly. I dont post very often, preferring just to read but when I have posted people usually respond pretty quickly. Even if they cant offer too much in the way of actual advice then there is usually encouragment and understanding which is nice to get - the feeling that you are not alone.

    Personally I can understand what you mean - I had a slightly similar situation although I am a domme. I had bought a collar for a male friend who was my sub. We were friends before starting on a bit of a voyage of discovery for me and he brought out my domme side (he was more experienced as a sub).

    Long story short it wasnt something that lasted long and I remember on our last night (although I didnt realise it was at the time) I spoke to him about wanting to take the collar - I always left it at his for when we played. He jokingly said something along the lines of ' dont you want to leave it for you to remember me by?'. Well to be honest - no. Not because I didnt want him to remember me but that a) he was the one that ended things and b) I couldnt bear the thought of him wearing it for someone else - so when he was in the bathroom I slipped it into my bag and put all of his other stuff away.

    Is it possible for you to speak to your guy about your thoughts? Would you be allowed to buy your own and say ' look I have bought these and it would be an honour if you took them from me and used them to cuff me as i would truly feel that i was yours or something like that.

    Am sure more experienced players will offer some thoughts.

    All the best

    Mistress Maria

  3. MIRROR: Download from MEGA

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    I think it's a perfectly reasonable way for you to feel, firenurse.

    If you were paying a professional Dom for a session it would be perfectly acceptable to use his existing equipment, but you are in a romantic relationship and, as MistressMaria says, the objects you use together will take on a special significance.

    I don't know if these cuffs are super-expensive, or if the financial aspect is an issue for either of you, but it's clear that you feel strongly about it.

    Perhaps you could buy a set of cuffs as a "coming home gift"? Or maybe even buy them now and take pictures to remind him what he's coming home to :)

    Don't just buy the cuffs - but get some other stuff as well and perhaps write a note about how you're desperate for him to be there to use them on you. That way you don't make the cuffs the central object.

    I'm sure you know this already, but service personnel coming home after a long tour often have built up stresses that they find difficult to express when they find themselves dropped back into "normal" life. You need to be careful not to unwittingly provide a focal point for those stresses to manifest themselves.

    In other words, don't make the cuffs a big issue - present hm with a "solution" not a "problem" and buy yourselves a new set of cuffs.

    Just my 2 cents - I'm not a psychologist!

    Last edited: Sep 1, 2012
  4. Sweetpea and J

    Sweetpea and J New Member

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    I totally understand your feelings.
    I think as the two previous posts say you are perfectly ok to feel this way.
    I would also totally agree that it makes sense not to make it the issue and to maybe solve it by finding a solution.

    I hope you can sort this one way or another...
    And wish you all the best.
  5. Her-sir

    Her-sir New Member

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    IMO It's a perfectly reasonable request to have stuff that has only been used by the 2 of you since you have more than a casual relationship.

    My wife is my first & only sub but I would guess that all bets would be off if I tried to use a previously used set of cuffs/toy/anything on her.

    If she had already had her own set I would have replaced them too. If I think of her with another man it makes me crazy.If I can channel that crazy it can work out for both of us but if not it drags me down.

    So yeah - IMO - Your thoughts make sense to me.
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Firenurse, whether other people understand or not, wearing another sub's cuffs upsets you, so it's a valid issue for you. As you've seen, others here agree with your feelings, and I can appreciate them as well. When I uncolored my slave, he asked me to let him keep the chain collar (a wear-every-day sort of item, discrete enough to not be obvious), even though I had said it was mine, because he felt it would upset him if he ever saw another sub wearing that collar. So I agreed, even though it bugged my a little. When I uncollared him, I cut the lock off with a bolt-cutter, and I've kept the lock as a reminder.

    To some extent, I think the issue depends on whether you're a sub or a full-out slave who is considered her master's property. If you're a slave, expected to obey your master completely, I think your master should have the final say. But if you're a little more independent than that, a sub or pet or girl rather than a 24/7 TPE slave, I think it's very reasonable for you to tell your dom that this issue is upsetting you. If you two are going to be getting married, you could reasonably ask him for a new pair of cuffs and a collar to signify the significant shift in your relationship. Perhaps he buys you that, and you buy him something dominant, like a muir cap or a leather jacket or a pair of boots (although those are going to cost more than cuffs and a collar).
  7. Roland

    Roland Member

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    It sounds like a hard limit for you and it is hampering your ability to enjoy a scene. If he cares about your enjoyment, then he should be communicating with you and making sure this doesn't bother you. As Sebastian said, it depends on the type of relationship you have, but even if you are a slave, you are getting married and should be entitled to this. Also, he may know about your feeling and is waiting till he gets home to give you your present.
  8. RopeRanger

    RopeRanger Member

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    firenurse, your feelings have value and your partner should see their worth, especially if you plan to be married. Whether you give him a new set as a gift, you both go shopping together or whatever the circumstances he should take your feeling into account.

    I view hardware: clamps, chains ropes etc as available for use on whoever I'm playing with. I keep a set if cuffs for when I'm looking for a new partner. If/when the relationship becomes long term I present my sub with their own set.

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    I understand the feeling. I wouldn't be able to use anything I had with my ex on anyone else or have them use any of it on me. All new stuff for an all new person.
  10. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

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    I have two small things to say, even though I'm a bit late to the game.
    First, consider that good cuffs are expensive. Ours ran up over $80, and that might have just been the wrists- and they're just non-leather. Of course, they're also locally made and very high quality. If his cuffs are good cuffs, not just velcro cuffs or cheap ones, it might be difficult for him to justify buying a new pair after using these ones rather lightly and informally so far.

    However, my second point is that I agree with Sebastian. If it's important to you, it should be important to your boyfriend. The fact that it bothers you so much should be enough of a reason. Have a talk about why it bothers you, and likewise, let him explain why he would rather keep them.
  11. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    firenurse -

    I'm joining the fray. You have a significant relationship. You two should develop your own collection and toy chest.
    There is nothing wrong with how you feel.
    If you were just hooking up it might be different... but you're not.

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