I seriously need some help...

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by HisMasterInDisguise, Nov 8, 2010.

  1. HisMasterInDisguise

    HisMasterInDisguise New Member

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    I am new here so I would like to say Hello to everyone to begin with.
    Now, Im posting bc I really need some help. I have read alot of info on the internet and I have read alot of things on your forum as well. I just need actual people's advice.
    My bf recently told me that he is into BDSM. He likes to be dominated. Thats fine with me and I actually like the idea of dominating him however, I cant seem to please him with this even when it I give it everything I have. We have only tried this a few times and we are not going to be doing it 24/7. I still feel shy about some of the things such as dressing up and also "punishing" him. I feel like he expected me to just dive right in and become an expert at this overnight and to say the least that has not happened. So what am I asking for really is some advice on how to loosen up and fulfill his needs to be my slave. How can I show him that I am for real about this and not just doing it for his pleasure only? Any suggestions would be great and if you need any more info I can give you that too.
    Thanks alot!!!
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    A few thoughts, in no particular order
    1) Talk to him. Find out what turns him on, what makes him feel dominated, and so on. And when you are done with a session, ask him what he liked, what he didn't like, and what you could do better. BDSM requires communication, so talk, talk, talk.
    2) Work on learning to feel dominant. This is probably the most challenging part of being a new dom, simply learning to have the confidence to make it work. Remember that subs want to be controlled, so once you know what turns him on, just tell him to do it. Don't ask; command. And no matter how well he's doing it, tell him it's not good enough. For example, if you know he likes being humiliated (which most sub guys do), order him to lick your boots (you do have some good domming boots, don't you? If not, buy a pair) like so: "Boy, get down there and lick my boots. Show me the respect I deserve. Boy, I'm not seeing much enthusiasm yet. If you don't start showing me how excited you are to be licking my boots, I'm going to get very angry!" As he's doing it, put your hand on the back of his head and press his face down into your boot. You can do variations on that speech with damn near anything you order him to do.
    3) Figure out your domme persona, the persona that helps you feel dominant. Spend some time thinking about what sort of woman says "power" to you, and then try to be that woman. Are you a leather-clad bitch goddess? A slinky femme fetale? Angelina Jolie? A pirate queen? A cruel school teacher? A Roman lady with slaves? A medieval duchess with her faithful knight? And it doesn't matter if you don't have Angelina Jolie's lips and hips or the femme fetale's black hair. BDSM isn't about having a perfect body; it's much more about attitude. So decide which of these women you want to be for an evening and just try to figure out what toys, clothing, and accessories would make you feel like that woman, and then try to act the way she would act. Spend a little time fantasizing about how she would take control of a man, and then picture yourself doing those things. And remember, your bf is fantasizing about you being in control, so his imagination is already giving you bonus points that mean that he'll play into your fantasy persona and will overlook the small mistakes you make.
    4) Another way to feel more confident is to read up on the techniques for the type of play you want to do. It's always easier to feel confident if you feel like you understand how to do what you want to do. So let's say you want to spank him. Spend some time reading up on how to spank; read about safety practices and techniques, and maybe practice them on a pillow first. That way when you actually put him over your knee, you'll feel like you have some idea what to do.
    5) Give him some safe words to use (the FAQ explains what safe words are, if you don't know). Although safe words are important for subs, they are also useful for doms. If you're going to do pain play with him, for example, it helps to know that he will give you a safe word when things become too much. So until he says 'yellow', you know that he's ok with what you're doing, and that gives you room to keep going and get a little rougher. Don't keep asking "is this ok?"--that will undermine your dominance. If you do pain play, start very gentle and slowly get rougher.
    6) Don't try to do everything all at once. Focus on one or two skills, like talking dirty and spanking him. Put your efforts into getting good at those few skills, and ask for feedback after each scene. When you start to feel like you're getting confident in those skills, add something new, like tit torture.
    7) If you live near a community of any size, you can probably find your local munch or other bdsm community. Find a dom who is willing to mentor you, or a sub who is willing to let you practice on him. In particular, bondage is best learned from a teacher than from a textbook. Finding a mentor will really help, because you'll be able to see how he or she does a technique before you try it yourself.
    8) If you are at all good at talking, try to develop your verbal domming skills; subs love being talked down to and nothing can help establish dominance faster than putting a boy in his place verbally. 'Boy, why are you still wearing clothes?" is a good opening line. A trick I use all the time is to tell him that you know what he's thinking. Even if you don't know, telling the boy what's going on in his head will put the idea into his head, and he'll feel like you can read his mind. Here's an example of what I do: "Boy, you're thinking about how it will feel to be kneeling in front of me, aren't you?" "Yes, sir" "Yeah, I thought so. Just the idea of that is getting you hard, isn't it?" "Yes sir." "Yeah, you boys are all the same. All I have to do is start talking aggressively to you and your pathetic cock starts responding." If the boy tells you that you're wrong, that he's not thinking about kneeling in front of you, get angry. "What do you mean you're not thinking about kneeling in front of me? Do you think you deserve to stand in my presence?" Or punish him for not thinking the right thing. "Well, I guess you don't want my attention yet. Go stand in the corner for 15 minutes and think about kneeling in front of me." Another trick I do with pain play is to talk to the boy about what I'm doing. "Oh, boy, your tits are really starting to hurt, aren't they?" "Yes sir." "It's starting to become too intense, isn't it?" "Yes sir." "Do you want me to stop?" "Yes sir." "That's too bad, because I'm not going to." If he says no, he doesn't want you to stop, say "That's good, because I'm not going to." Although a lot of doms are not great at the verbal game, I find that it's the best way to make a sub feel submissive. Remember, the brain is the largest sex organ.

    Hope these ideas help you a little bit.
  3. master jey

    master jey Moderator

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    There's nothing left for me to add -_- you are good as usual
  4. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Hi MID - Welcome to the forum.

    Hope you stick around to let us know how you're doing.

    Seb has covered pretty much any advice I would have so I'll recommend a few books for his "reading" advice on techniques.

    I would pick up "The New Topping Book" by Easton and Hardy first. It's easy to read, covers essential techniques, safety information, and goes into the psychology of bottoms... something you might need.

    My second recommendation for you is "When Someone You Love is Kinky" written by Easton and Liszt. The writing style is similar to "Topping" but goes more into what behaviors to expect from your partner and why, and goes much deeper towards getting you to understand the mindset and tips for fostering that kind of relationship.
    I must admit that I only got through about 1/2 of the book before I loaned it to someone (and never got it back).

    Third is my personal favorite... John Warren's "The Loving Dominant". I always saw this book as a book for Dominants who already know they are but don't know what to do about it.
    Loving Dominant has some of the best insights regarding the emotional aspects of BDSM relationships I've read. It also talks about saftey, not so much on a point by point bases, but on a practical basis. The only writing on safety I've seen on par with this is Jay Wiseman's book "SM101".

    Anyway..... Read up. It sounds like this is a committed, long term relationship so I think you'll have time.

    Good luck
  5. HisMasterInDisguise

    HisMasterInDisguise New Member

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    Thank you sooo much. Alot of the things that you pointed out are things that I am having issues with. After reading your post I am ready to try again. There is one more thing that I still have problems with and I honestly cant figure out why (I was in several acting classes/camps/etc from a young age through high school) but coming up with a "scene" is a bit of an issue for me still. I have read tons of them online but I feel like they are generic and I want some that fits my personality and his too. Any ideas on how to come up with those?
    Also, L8NightQ you hit on the head that this is a long term relationship thats one of the reasons I am trying to get into this, I know he is going anywhere and he is still going to be turned on by these things. I will def check out the books that you recommended and I will let you guys know how I am doing in my adventure with this.
    I love reading a lot of the things you all post and a lot have helped me too. Thanks for taking time to help me out!!!
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Well it's hard to suggest a scene that has your personality without knowing what sort of domme persona you have. But what might work is for you to play out a fantasy in your head (like a scene from a porn film) and then try to block it out as play sequences.

    There are also a few fairly standard things to do. Just spin them in a way that works for you. 1) Get him naked while you keep your clothes on. Nudity establishes the sub as being in the inferior position. So if your persona is something along the lines of Bitch Goddess, simply order him to take off his clothes; if you're more slinky, undress him yourself. If you're going to be humiliating him, make some derogatory comments about his body, or tell him you want him to work out or something like that.

    2) Tie his hands behind his back and blindfold him. This makes him vulnerable and keeps him unsure of what you're going to do next. If you haven't done any bondage, read up on how to do a basic wrist tie--it's pretty easy. Just remember that when he is blindfolded and tied, you will have to guide him carefully if you want him to move around. Make sure he doesn't fall, because that will really set back his ability to trust you. Again, you could be mean to him and mock him for submitting so easily, or you could be tender and tell him that you're gonna take care of him.

    3) Have him kneel. Again, that re-enforces his inferior position. You could switch this with the previous item if you want. Don't make him kneel on a wooden floor for too long. While he's kneeling, he's in the perfect position for you to demand boot-licking, oral service, and more. Again, you could be gentle and tender with him, or harsh and abusive.

    4) Do you want to torture him? He's in a good position for pain play now. Would you rather have him service you sexually? Untie his hands and tell him what you want. Keep him blindfolded--even if you're just doing vanilla sex, being blindfolded emphasizes his inferiority.

    Hope this helps.
  7. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Just to add to Seb's suggestions, I just have one thought (I think)

    Seb already mentioned it when he said "do what works for you", and you already mentioned that you want a scene that "works for you too" but I wanted to clarify.

    If he really wants to be your submissive, then, in addition to what is going to turn him on and get him into his space, you have to know what turns you on too.

    The nice thing about a sub is that the more they know you are using them for your own selfish pleasure, the more it turns them on.

    In your eventual readings you will discover that if your sub feels you are doing certain things just because you know he likes it, it won't feel as good and can be a turn off. You will need to find things within this world that you can do to him that make you feel good too.

    The fact that you are looking for scenes that fit you to makes it pretty clear that you are already partly there.

    Hope I wasn't being Captain Obvious here, but though it seems redundant, the concept doesn't always jump right out at you.

    For long term couples like you, there is a middle ground that might help. I've used a concept called Workshop. This is where you both decide to investigate where your common ground is.

    In a Workshop, your sub can talk about what he/she likes to happen, and you in turn try it out. If they like to be spanked, you can act it out and ask about locations, intensity, duration, etc...

    When your sub likes to be tied up, you can try different ties (even with clothes on) to see what works best, what positions, how tight he/she likes to be tied, how leather restraints work with rope, if they like pressure bondage (best example is with a female who is forced to lay on her tied breasts).

    Don't be surprised if your workshop sessions turn into something else, like a scene. It happens (I remember a clothes ripping scene that got way out of hand).

    Hope this helps.
  8. HisMasterInDisguise

    HisMasterInDisguise New Member

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    Thanks yall! I will try to remember those things. We actually did this last night and it went good I think. It helps me if I blindfold him so that even when I know I feel like an idiot or Im a little shy about something he cant see my face or my expressions. We talked about everything once it was over and that was helpful as well. Im going to keep trying at this and while Im still new to it Im going to take it slow and try to see what best fits me and what Im comfortable with then try new things....
    Thanks for all the advice and I will keep you updated on how things are going!
  9. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    HMID, I'm glad things are going well. Your reason to blindfold is a very good one, and one that helps me as well. When working with a sub, don't feel bad about taking your time. What you know is hesitation or trying to think of something, a sub will often interpret as an intentional pregnant pause, as you simply being dominant. So don't rush things; make the sub wait as you decide what you want to do next. If you try something and it doesn't achieve what you want, don't apologize or admit that it didn't work; just move on to the next thing.

    If you can, while you are doing one thing, plan out the next thing so that you can just move to that without a long pause. For example, while you're spanking him, start thinking about how you're going to make him get down and lick your boots when you're done. This will help your scene flow more smoothly and, again, will help your sub perceive you as dominant and confident.

    Oh, and out of curiosity, do you have any thoughts about your domme persona? Who are you when you're a domme?
  10. HisMasterInDisguise

    HisMasterInDisguise New Member

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    Actually I am still trying to figure that out. Even my bf (my sub) said that he thinks I am still trying to figure that out. Right now the best way I could describe my persona is very feminine, make-up etc, has to look good at all times, major bitch, wants things MY way at all times, and loves to beat him...
    Maybe you can help me out with what you think my persona is : )
  11. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Hmm, well I'm hardly an expert in femdom stuff, but I think you could play around with the Bitch Goddess, or the Schoolmistress, or the Princess. Just a few ideas out of what you've said:

    1) If you like to look really good, have your bf help you dress for playing; make it part of your ritual
    2) If you like being really feminine, and if your bf likes humiliation, you might explore forced feminization. Play dress-up with him as your doll.
    3) If you want things your way all the time, as part of his training, you might make him repeat a command until he gets it exactly right (for example, tell him to get you a glass of ice water, then make him go back and pour it out and refill it until he gets it just the right temperature. Or force him to learn to lick your pussy exactly the way you like it. Give him strict rules to follow and punish him if he gets them wrong. For example, tell him that whenever he speaks to you, he must begin and end each sentence with 'Mistress' (or whatever else you want to be called). So if you ask him a question, he has to answer "Mistress, yes, Mistress". Once he learns that, here's the fun one. Ask him to say "mistress" three times. The correct answer is "Mistress, mistress, mistress, mistress, Mistress". If he gets it wrong, don't tell him what he got wrong, just say he got it wrong and he must do it again. It might potentially take him quite a while to figure out the right way to do it. Require him to get the intonation right (the first and last 'mistress' are addresses to you, the other three are just words).
    4) Once you settle on a persona, find an article of clothing or two that embody that persona. They might be thigh-high leather boots for the Bitch Goddess, or a frilly white blouse for the Schoolmistress or whatever. Dressing the part can absolutely awaken your domme persona. Putting on a leather jacket instantly makes me more aggressive, and a cop uniform does that even more (I immediately become the Rogue Cop).
    5) Once you've developed a persona, don't be afraid to explore a second one. Different personas and types of play can speak to different parts of your personality. When I'm dressed in leather and domming a boy, I've very verbally abusive to him. But when I'm just in jeans and I'm doing pup play, I do lots of praising and almost no insulting.

    Does this help at all?

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