MIRROR: Download from MEGA
Death, I'm so sorry you're in such a bad place right now. Obviously I don't know the details of what you're going through--those are unique to you--but believe me, I know where you are. I've been to that place. Three years ago my husband of 8 years decided to leave me. He was so afraid of hurting me that he nearly let me make a massively life-altering decision for him before he told he wanted to leave. So his timing was pretty shitty. I was profoundly depressed for a year--went through two therapists trying to get relief. I came incredibly close to suicide. There was a day that I was in so much pain that I simply couldn't handle it any more. Fortunately a good friend realized that something was more wrong than usual and came over at exactly the right moment. I'm pretty sure that if she hadn't done that, I wouldn't be here today. I was in the worst pain I've ever been in, and I couldn't imagine that the future held anything more for me than the misery that I was in. That's what depression really is, the inability to believe that the future might possibly be less painful than the present.
Fortunately, my friends, the therapy, and my own determination to keep going eventually got me through it. One Sunday in May 2008, my depression suddenly just lifted like a curtain, and I was gloriously happy. Happier than I have ever been in my life. All the energy that I had been putting into staying miserable suddenly swung around to lift me up.
And then my life started to transform. My career started moving in the right direction. I lost 40 lbs. For the first time in my life, guys started to hit on me. I discovered that I was much more a top than a bottom. And then I discovered that I was dominant, and my life came into much sharper focus than ever before. My life makes sense now. But if I had given up in that moment of despair, if my friend hadn't intervened and talked me through it, I would never have gotten to this place where i am now. My life isn't perfect, but it seems to have so much more potential for happiness than it has in years. I feel whole and complete and in control for the first time.
So please, don't give up. Keep fighting with your pain. Even if it seems impossible, keep fighting. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, trying to make things work. Eventually, things will get easier. Stuff will start going right, and things will begin to make sense again. You'll be able to see the potential in your life, and the world will become beautiful once more. Just don't stop. As they say in AA, don't give up before the miracle happens. Please.
You too, Ceilidh.
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