grieving Mistress

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by rose4Mistress, Feb 25, 2011.

  1. rose4Mistress

    rose4Mistress New Member

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    My Mistress has dealt with way too much death lately. A friend of hers died suddenly in March, her aunt died in June, and her grandma died last month. She has never dealt with death before now, and her grief process for each loss has been vastly different. The death of her grandma has been the hardest. She has gotten very codependent, and sometimes just plain shitty with me. She puts me in the middle of drama between she and her daughter (sometimes drama she created, sometimes co-produced by the two of them...they don't grieve well together, sadly), she pushes me away (which would be fine if she could TELL me she needs space, but instead she gets mean), etc. -

    I don't know what to do with this. We have had periods of time when some codependence has reared its ugly head in our relationship, and we usually nip it in the bud pretty fast. She usually recognizes after the fact that she's being shitty to me, but this time around, she has put in zero effort to figure out why it's happening and stop. Our little codependent bumps usually don't last this long. I realize she's grieving, and am always available to her when she needs me...but when she starts getting mean and nasty like this, I've learned to withdraw before she pushes me away.

    From my perspective, the worst part of this is that when she's lost in her grief to the point where she's being mean, she's not "mastering" me. Or when she is, she's making bad decisions (the other day, she told me to kneel when her daughter was in the next room, and her daughter walked in and saw me kneeling...way not ok...she's only 7 and doesn't understand, nor does she need to). I'm at a loss...I don't know what to do for her. When she's crying or reminiscing, I know what to do...I just have no clue what to do with this new brand of grief. It's crazy-making, and puts me in a terrible position far too often for my comfort. Any thoughts or advice?
  2. P.S.Eudonym

    P.S.Eudonym Member

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    Disclaimer: If you feel any of those steps does not apply to her/them, then skip it. I am mostly drawing from personal experience here but everyone grieves differently. There is no "fix it" formula except time and support.

    First, talk to her. Tell her that you are there for her and willing to help her, but also tell her that you are not going to take her abuse. (You will, trust me on that, but telling her that you won't will put things in perspective for her.)

    With the little information you provide, it seems a reasonable guess that she is not dealing with her grief but simply grieving without direction. She feels bad and is unable to cope on her own, so she puts you and her daughter into focus, creating situations in which either of you is at fault and then deals with this.
    This is a very common thing to do and something most people are not even aware of. Hence, you need to talk to her about it. Thats step one.

    Step two is for her to face reality. Take her to the cemetary, take her to the graves and then give her some alone time there. Even if she doesn't want to. It is very common to feel that there are things left unsaid when loved ones pass. Providing her with an opportunity to say those things often helps.

    Step three is to remember the loved ones as they were. This is the hardest part and it will take the longest but its also the most powerful in my experience. The belief that they are in a better place now or religion can help loads here. If that doesn't apply, try to remind her that the time they had together cannot be taken away and that they would not want her to be lost in sadness.

    Finally, I'd suggest you put your BDSM relationship on hold for the time being. What she needs right now is the support of a partner who can be her rock. Her world has turned upside down and she lacks the strength to deal with it and being your mistress. She is used to being in control, yet the world has shown her how little control she has over her own life and emotions. To compensate for this, she gives you orders without thinking because this gives her the feeling of control back. Apart from being not okay and dangerous, its also not what she needs. She needs to realize that what happened was beyond her control and that nothing will change that.
    The next time she gives you an order, say the safeword, smile at her and tell her that you love her. (I assume you are in a relationship beyond BDSM.) Then take her in your arms and hopefully, she will realize what is happening.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Rose, this is very difficult, and there's no easy way to deal with it. PS has offered some really good advice. Let me just offer a few other thoughts

    1) Grief is very much about the loss of control. She wants her grandmother and other loved ones back, and she can't have that. So being dominant right now is going to be very difficult. She probably doesn't feel like she can control anything. So accept that for a while, her ability to dominate you is going to be very compromised. Don't expect her to be dominant--give her the room to be the mess she is right now.

    2) Part of the job of a slave, or any subordinate for that matter, is to support the dom, and that's doubly true at the moment, since she cant really take care of herself or your relationship right now. So figure out the things she needs and try to anticipate those needs. As PS has indicated, that might mean refusing to obey her. What she needs at the moment may not be what she wants.

    3) Encourage her to seek grief counseling, from a minister or therapist. You're not a counselor (I assume) and even if you were, it's very hard to act as a therapist for someone you're in a relationship with. So help her find a profession she can talk to, who can help her sort out the mass of feelings she is struggling with.

    4) Your mistress will come back. It's just going to take her time to sort out all the pain and confusion she's feeling. But you need to be patient.

    5) If she needs someone to talk to, we here at SMplace are generally pretty willing to support each other through life's challenges.

    Good luck.

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