trying to move forward after a loss...

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by MissTrussed, May 21, 2013.

  1. MissTrussed

    MissTrussed New Member

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    My longtime dom passed away in November. It's been really rough; no one in my "real life" knows I'm in the scene and I couldn't mourn openly. On some of the sex forums I used to hang out at, a lot of doms assumed I was immediately available and started pushing me to move on...with them, of course. It was hard to explain how I felt, what a deep emotional connection it was, and how completely lost I was without him.

    So I pretty much just isolated from the community, from all the other forums, and tried to look normal in "real life." I finally started to feel a little better in the past week or so - I mean, I wasn't weepily depressed for 6 months straight, I had good times and bad times like everyone else, but now I feel like I've gotten to the "acceptance" stage of grief. I don't know if I can move on yet, but I need to move forward.

    How do you deal with an involuntary loss? - maybe not something as final as a death, but a serious illness or faraway relocation, for instance. And how do you move on after that? I would really like to hear from anyone who's gone through this...maybe you can help me or I can help you.

    I wasn't sure I could actually write this but I feel a physical sense of relief now. Thanks for listening.
  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    MissTrussed: I'm sorry for your loss. BDSM, when it works, can involve dom and sub becoming deeply intimate emotionally, and that can make the loss of a long-time dom remarkably distressing, especially if the sub surrenders a lot of daily control to the dom. Losing a dom can be a lot like losing a spouse.

    Allow me to suggest that you watch Colin Firth's A Single Man. The movie is about a closeted gay man in 1962 whose partner is killed in a car accident. He is completely closeted, as most gay men were at that time, and the movie is about his grieving process. You might find the movie helpful or at least resonant for your own situation.

    You're in a situation in which you can't grieve openly because you can't be open about your kinkiness. BUt I think you need to find someone you can confide in and lean on. Do you know any subs in your kink community--someone who is less likely to hit on you and might (as subs often are) be willing to be supportive? You might also consider therapy, if you can find a kink-friendly or open-minded therapist willing to address your actual issue--your loss of a loved one--and not make your submissiveness the issue. As a sub, you might find volunteering to be therapeutic; if you find it satisfying to be helpful and giving of yourself, donating time at a local charity, church group, or munch could be a way of taking your mind off your loss while still being of service to someone.

    Above all, don't rush your grieving process. Grief is a difficult experience and it goes at its own rate. Don't beat yourself up for not 'getting over it' right away or for having moments when you just want to cry or curl up or sleep all day. This is natural. Obviously, at some point you need to resume living your life, but take the time to honor your relationship and what it mean to you.

    If you surrendered control over personal things like finances or whatever, you'll have to make sure that you're reassuming control. If your dom isn't there to make decisions, you have to find the strength to make those choices again, because they need making. It might be scary or painful or unpleasant, but you used to make those choices, and you can do it again. Your dom would certainly want you to be taking care of yourself, because he's not there to do it for you.

    I would suggest delaying finding a new dom until it feels right. Maybe it will feel right quickly, but maybe it won't feel right for a year or two.

    There's no right way to grieve. Trust yourself to go at your own speed. And don't hesitate to post here. Simply having people to chat with might help you.
  3. MissTrussed

    MissTrussed New Member

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    Thank you so much, sebastian! I'm actually crying right now but it's the good kind of crying....feeling so accepted and understood after so long. I will take your advice to heart. Volunteering is very satisfying for me and I will definitely get more involved in it. Helping others makes me happier than anything else.

    I am definitely not ready for another dom right now but I do feel the need to communicate with people in the scene again; I've missed it. Feeling like I belong again is such a relief.

    I've been lurking here for a while, I greatly respect you and am genuinely humbled at your kind and sympathetic response.

    I'm going to like it here.
  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    I'm glad I was able to help. As I see it, BDSM is about being honest and open about what we really want, so it's important for us to be able to express our needs and feelings, no matter what they are. We're all here to help each other.
  5. RopeRanger

    RopeRanger Member

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    MissTrussed, I am very sorry for your lost. Please seek the support of your friends. When you are grieving you need your support network. They don't really need to know the intimate details of your relationship, only that you have lost someone very close to you. Sebastian's right, grieve at your own pace. Finding a dom will come when the time is right.

    This forum, at it's heart, is about providing support for each other. It's a remarkable place please take advantage of the supporting members here. You have my prayers.
  6. MissTrussed

    MissTrussed New Member

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    Thank you, RopeRanger. I really appreciate your kindness and your advice. I am already feeling very at home and very supported here! I have to say that it is especially good to hear such support from Doms...I haven't found that in other places. I'm very happy to be here with you.
  7. RopeRanger

    RopeRanger Member

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    MissTrussed, I'm sure the others have already said it but welcome...

    The open and supportive atmosphere is why I joined this forum. I saw the same attitude on other forums which I cannot understand. I care very deeply for my previous subs. It seems that in some places people mistake caring for weakness and being a jerk for dominance. I'm sorry we had to "meet" under these circumstances but I am happy you have found a supportive outlet.
  8. Lil Bunny

    Lil Bunny New Member

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    Apologies on the slow reply, I've actually been going through some turbulence as of late, but I really felt pulled to respond to this.

    Last Saturday was actually the fifth year anniversary of Mary's passing. She was the dominant that really helped guide me through a lot in life, and helped me to become a more productive individual. She passed to heart troubles, and it was extremely difficult for me for a good few months. I had about.. three days warning before she passed. I was able to have a final talk with her, so I think that helped me a lot. With loss like that, I suppose my coping mechanism was to just dedicate myself to things that would make her proud. It won't replace the physical interactions, so in time you will have to move on for those. Though if you know them well enough, it is very easy to know how they'd react to what you do in life, and have a mental dialogue from time to time. (This can be helpful if you find yourself doing something you know you shouldn't, as just thinking of their stern voice is usually enough to set yourself on the right path) All in all, I can say it will be hard, but I personally carry myself through it by continuing out her last wishes. It makes me feel proud, and in a small way, like she's still here, even if she won't physically be there when I'm done with school, and other important parts of my life.

    I hope this was in some way helpful, and if you ever need anything, feel free to ask. I'm more than willing to help if I am able.


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