Forced confession - was my reaction too weird?

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Obedient Little Puppy, Jul 6, 2009.

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    This weekend, my master had me bound and gagged, and had a butt plug taped inside me, as well as a vibrating egg taped inside my pussy, leaving my clit free so he could access it with his tongue.

    As I was being licked, I was deliberately tensing my muscles in order to really feel the objects inside me. As I did this, savouring the sensation of being packed full, I began to drift into a fantasy in which my master uses a chastity device to lock dildos into my holes before he leaves, leaving me like that until his return the following night. This fantasy had the desired effect, but that's not where it ends.

    A couple of hours later, following a switch session, we had a nice vanilla fuck during which he vowed not to turn on me. I confessed that I was harbouring a secret fantasy, but for reasons I still can't understand, I felt too embarrassed to share. After several minutes of gentle persuasion, my master became fed up of my silence and resorted to slapping my face and pinching my nipples hard, determined to get my secret out of me. Eventually I managed to admit everything, but with some difficulty. I could barely get my words out and found myself choking on them, but I was really proud that I'd found the strength to share, and was turned on by the hint of violence and the humiliation involved.

    However, this is where it really gets weird. The sex came to its natural end with no more talk on the subject, and he went off to clean up or something. When he came back into the bedroom a couple of minutes later, he found me sobbing and shaking violently. He gathered me up in his arms and was pretty worried about me, and I started babbling about how that (the confession) was one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do in my life. By this point, I was in such a state that I was actually hyperventilating.

    We've never done anything like this before, and I've never done it with anyone else. And my odd reaction came about once I was 'out of character' again, as it were. I still don't know what it was that caused it, whether it was the forced confession itself, or the nature of it, or what. But what I want to know is, was my reaction really as weird as I'm convinced it was, or is it normal to feel that way? Usually I only cry when I'm taking a heavy flogging, and even then, when I start crying I'm still 'in character' when it starts. This time, however, the game was already over before I broke down.

    Can anyone help me to try and make some sense of this? :(
  2. Nyx

    Nyx Member

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    I think that's completely understandable. Your mind was under a lot of stress and had taken a mental beating.

    When I made a deep, painful and embaressing confession to my master (after a particularly violent scene) I didn't break down right away, but later, when we were on the couch unwinding, I had to go into my room and sob. Of course he came and comforted me.

    I think that your mind suffers a lot when you confess, or open a part of yourself that is so deep it would hurt to have someone look.
  3. Amuk

    Amuk Member

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    Yes, you had a normal reaction to this. What Nyx said is very true, and that feeling of vulnerability can be very strong in anyone. Things like this is why aftercare is very important, especially after more intense sessions.
  4. sweetkink

    sweetkink New Member

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    goes to say why s&m can only be practiced with ppl you trust. my first impression is that you experienced cathartic release. in other words, you let loose emotions normally only accesible through complete abandon - coerced so they were. also i need to say that i have the same fantasy... only i imagine him cumming my ass full before going to work and calling to make sure 'all is in place'.
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2009

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    Aww, thanks everyone for your responses. It makes me feel a bit better to know that the way I reacted to my confession is nothing to be worried about, and also that I'm not the only person this has ever happened to :)

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    Fuck, something very similar happened again this weekend, only worse this time :(

    My master had planned a day out, looking round local sex shops, and during the day I did a number of things that he was not happy with, and felt the need to punish me for. As the number of 'crimes' mounted up, I suggested mischievously that perhaps he should write a list for me to read out.

    However, this is where things went wrong. When he put that piece of paper into my hands, I was initially giggling too much to recite its contents, but when I eventually managed to overcome this and prepared to speak, I realised to my horror that I couldn't.

    I was being flogged throughout as an incentive to make me speak, which I was enjoying, but with regards to the words I had to say out loud, I was a mess. They were right there on the tip of my tongue, and I desperately wanted to say them, not just to please my master, but to improve my confidence with such things also. The longer I struggled over this, the more scared I got, until I was suddenly overcome with a surge of pure panic and broke down, sobbing violently. I was so distressed that I couldn't summon the strength to drop my safetoy to end the game.

    It took me about 10 or 15 minutes to be able to manage this, and my master was as comforting and understanding as always. Given the nature of our relationship, the fact that I hadn't done as he wanted was the last thing on his mind as he just wanted to see I was okay. He said it didn't matter that I couldn't perform his task, but I was really upset about it to the point of self loathing, especially as my forced confession the week before had come out successfully.

    And now I'm seriously starting to worry that maybe I'm not cut out for slavery/submission. I've never played with anyone else on this level, and it's only now that we're starting to get into the more intense BDSM stuff. I've been assured that I'm doing just fine, even despite all this, but I have such low self confidence as it is that it's hard for me to accept :(
  7. praefect

    praefect Member

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    Doms sometimes make mistakes as well. We all do. I remember being awed when this dominant kept reading the body of a couple of people who were engaged in a conversation on the other side of the room and could predict what each one of them would do next. He could see and interpret things I couldn't even begin to make out, even though we were looking at the same exact thing.

    You're master failed to read you this one time, it's not the end of the world. I'm not putting the blame on him or anything, just that these things can happen and from the sound of it, once he saw what was going on, or at least that something was wrong, he reacted with great responsibility and cared for you. It sounds like you touched on something inside you that eventually led to your breakdown, it's also not the end of the world.

    Do you think you could find it in yourself, whatever it was you touched upon? You could see it as a chance to reach a greater level of understanding yourself, not as a failure.

    The more intense your experiences will get the greater is the chance that you will open doors in your psyche that you never knew existed. Anger, fear, panic, sudden and overwhelming sadness... all of these can be side effects of your growth as a submissive, that you're reaching undiscovered country in your mindspace. It's not a reason to quit, but it is a good reason to take it slow, and for your master and yourself to be prepared to deal with those situations when they arise.

    I've had to deal with something like that once before, but in my case it was grief. Overwhelming grief that flooded her, the grief of her two previous husbands that had both died, a grief she had never dealt with before, never allowed to be released before she let it go in that session. Or was made to let it go by accident. I was pretty overwhelmed but from my experience, as nightmarish as that session then turned out to be for both of us, for her because of what she was experiencing, and me because I didn't know WTF to do other than hold her and tell her to let it all out, it was good that it happened. She had those feelings bottled up for way to long and in the long run letting go is always a good thing, even if it's a painful process at the time.
  8. subspace

    subspace Member

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    Puppy, my close friend and I were talking this morning about a punishment that I find very hard to comply with and has been asked more frequently of me lately. I hate to ask for what I want, I want Top to decide and make the decisions so he sometimes cuts all physical contact until I can explicitly request what it is I want. There are times where we have had to call this off all together because after weeks I haven’t been able to say it. For me its all about being in the right head space in order to comply with the request and in the course of a normal day I am not in that place. What really pisses me off is when he makes me repeat some of the nasty things I say during sex, wow this is really hard for me. So sorry I am rambling but my point is I guess that if your not in the right mind frame these confessions and admissions are tough for a lot of us even though they take a variety of forms.

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    But that's the thing. I was in the right frame of mind. I was fully prepared to say the words, and really wanted to, but then I got overtaken by my panic :(
  10. subspace

    subspace Member

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    Maybe the difference this time was that you had to admit you were disobedient not just a fun fantasy. The situation is different, when it was a fantasy you were eventually able to confess even though you did breakdown afterwards; whereas this time you had to do something much harder, that is to say out load all the ways you had displeased your Master. Just thinking about that makes me a bit a sad so your reaction seems normal to me. Maybe with time this will get easier.
  11. Nyx

    Nyx Member

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    Trust me, I don't think it's that you're not cut out.

    BDSM can bring out a lot of intense emotions and strange feelings we don't fully understand. I struggle with similar issues and it has taken comfort and coaxing from my master to discuss my reactions. It's great that your master was so concerned about your well-being, and that, I think, is an excellent indicator that you guys have a great relationship with which to proceed.

    There isn't a 'right' way to live the lifestyle. Perhaps you just need to take things very slowly and examine your feelings in relation to your reactions.

    If you'd like to talk more you can always PM me. I have a few similar stories. :)
  12. francis_kitten

    francis_kitten New Member

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    Puppy, don't beat yourself up for not being the model submissive for one scene. I'm sure your master has been very pleased with your behavior thus far. I doubt he would deny that he has an awesome woman on his hands. BDSM brings out a lot of emotions that normally lie beneath the surface. Sometimes the stresses and emotions of everyday life can become amplified during a scene and can prevent you from enjoying it as you normally do. Your master seems to understand it and doesn't seem willing to give you up after one bad scene. Just talk things over with him and don't rush into another scene until you get some of your other emotions resolved.

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    You better believe it, being with OLP is the best thing thats happened to me in quite some time.
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