Feeling ashamed of Domme-ish desires

TooManyShoes · Nov 2, 2011

Feeling guilty about Domme-ish desires

I am a woman who has had BDSM-themed fantasies for years, but never acted on them because I've felt too ashamed and guilty. This is tearing me apart... I haven't had a relationship in years because hiding this and keeping things vanilla just doesn't work for me... but my guilt won't let me do anything else.

If I were a sub, I wouldn't feel guilty about that, but unfortunately my tendencies don't run that way... I want to see a man hurting and helpless who needs to be rescued/comforted/cuddled. I wouldn't get off on his suffering itself, but I would get off on the way it made him helpless and vulnerable and needing to be cared for.

If I had the guts to engage in BDSM in real life, I'd willingly take on the part of the evil mad scientist/interrogator/slave owner/whatever -- in my fantasies the person inflicting the cruelty is a third party (I just do the rescuing and comforting), but in a situation of consensual role-play I could see taking that role... for me the enjoyable part wouldn't be causing suffering, it would be the state of helplessness/vulnerability/needing-to-be-comforted-and-cared-for that it brought the submissive to.

...but still, I look at my thoughts and think "what the HELL is wrong with me?". The appropriate response to someone being the subject of cruel experiments by a mad scientist or a victim of torture or something is horrified disgust, and if I were to see such a situation in real life that is exactly what I'd feel... so why do I enjoy it in my fantasies?! I know fantasies are just thoughts and they don't hurt anyone... but I am still very worried about what having those fantasies and wanting to role-play those situations says about me as a person!

To those who have Dom/me inclinations... how do you manage to enjoy it without guilt or self-loathing?

Smallest · Nov 3, 2011

Not being a dom, I don't have much to say to you. However, you have to remember that the submissives enjoy their role and fantasize about it just as much as you do. Look on the personals here, there are tons of male subs seeking that kind of treatment.

Fantasies about torturing or being tortured are not uncommon, and as you said, they're not hurting anyone. In a relationship, you would be sure that this didn't cross certain limits of yourself or the slave.

sebastian · Nov 3, 2011

There is nothing wrong with you, Shoes. Having a desire to inflict pain is a very common fantasy, and it doesn't mean that you're evil, a would-be killer, or anything like that. Here's the evidence that you're a decent person: you want to be able to comfort the subs you hurt. Evil, crazy people don't want to do that.

BDSM is about vulnerability achieved through power exchange. In the vanilla world, men (and just for simplicity, I'll assume you're a straight woman) are taught to never be vulnerable, to be strong, and in control. But not being vulnerable means they can't express their feelings, their need to be held sometimes, and so on. Your fantasies are about putting men in a state where they have no choice except to be vulnerable so that you can get close to them. These are desires that most vanilla women have--the ideal man in a chick flick is a sensitive, vulnerable guy after all. All that's different is that you have very specific ideas about what you want to do to help a guy become vulnerable.

Read through the FAQ. I have a number of posts that talk about these issues. In particular, look for the post about the Outer and Inner Layers of BDSM. I think it will help you make sense of your fantasies and see them in a non-threatening way.

PMSwitch · Nov 3, 2011

I am a switch, affianced to a sub. I dealt with these issues myself about 4 years ago. I had it slightly easier, because I was already committed to a woman who wanted to be on the other end of it. It gets better - in fact today I experience much more guilt for my submissive tendencies than my dominant ones.

The first thing to remember is that this says absolutely nothing about you as a person. With apologies to George Carlin, there are two kinds of people in the world - those who will tell you that they have desires that society wouldn't accept, and dirty liars. The dominant fantasies you describe are milder than mine, and I suspect milder than many others on this board.

I think that this is the key to coping - you just need to realize that your desires, even when they feel sick, are exactly what somebody else is looking for. To give you a concrete example, I personally have fantasized intensely about being on exactly the other end of the fantasy you describe. And I doubt very much that I am alone. You have at least a hypothetical outlet - you could role-play these in real life without wronging anyone - you would in fact be doing the right person a kindness. And if it would be okay to actually do, then how can it be wrong to think about?

My advice would be to start a dialogue with someone. Positive feedback made all the difference to me. Having someone to talk to who will remind you periodically that they want to be the "victim", and they want to be made vulnerable. It doesn't have to be real-life, you can start over email or chat. But the reinforcement of personal interaction is what allowed me to make the jump from logically reasoning about what I liked to emotionally accepting it.

You could try posting in the personals section looking for someone who wants to just talk (or more depending on how quickly you want to take it). From your spelling "domme", I assume you are female, and given my understanding of the relative ratio of hetero female dominants and hetero male submissives in the world, you shouldn't have too much trouble getting a reply.

master jey · Nov 3, 2011

Nothing strange
You can team up with dom or domme and play a good cop bad cop scenario

Knots · Nov 3, 2011

TooManyShoes said:
I am a woman who has had BDSM-themed fantasies for years, but never acted on them because I've felt too ashamed and guilty. This is tearing me apart... I haven't had a relationship in years because hiding this and keeping things vanilla just doesn't work for me... but my guilt won't let me do anything else.

If I were a sub, I wouldn't feel guilty about that, but unfortunately my tendencies don't run that way... I want to see a man hurting and helpless who needs to be rescued/comforted/cuddled. I wouldn't get off on his suffering itself, but I would get off on the way it made him helpless and vulnerable and needing to be cared for.

If I had the guts to engage in BDSM in real life, I'd willingly take on the part of the evil mad scientist/interrogator/slave owner/whatever -- in my fantasies the person inflicting the cruelty is a third party (I just do the rescuing and comforting), but in a situation of consensual role-play I could see taking that role... for me the enjoyable part wouldn't be causing suffering, it would be the state of helplessness/vulnerability/needing-to-be-comforted-and-cared-for that it brought the submissive to.

...but still, I look at my thoughts and think "what the HELL is wrong with me?". The appropriate response to someone being the subject of cruel experiments by a mad scientist or a victim of torture or something is horrified disgust, and if I were to see such a situation in real life that is exactly what I'd feel... so why do I enjoy it in my fantasies?! I know fantasies are just thoughts and they don't hurt anyone... but I am still very worried about what having those fantasies and wanting to role-play those situations says about me as a person!

To those who have Dom/me inclinations... how do you manage to enjoy it without guilt or self-loathing?

All it says about you is that you have those fantasies, which I encourage you to pursue (with consent from the "victim" of course), and make a cute ickle sub very happy (after they've suffered, of course).

No thought is, in itself, wrong. How you deal with thoughts can be wrong but not necessarily; this is why it'd disgust you (and many other doms) to see these scenarios in a non-consensual scenario.

BeastieBabe · Nov 10, 2011

I'm new-er to the BDSM and world and completely understand what your saying, while I have these thoughts, desires, etc. I feel weird, guilty, bad about them. i've read enough and talked to a few people that I now am starting to feel better about the whole thing. But when I try and tell a friend how badly I want my Dom to slap me and tell me I'm a stupid slut, they look at me like I'm crazy, then I feel weird again. The best I can say, from a subs view, is that I want it and crave it and if you can give me the "bad" stuff I want and follow it up with the comfort and care I need to recover, then you didn't do shit wrong. Hope that helped. Do some more reading and you'll realize just how many other people feel exactly as you do or are looking for someone like you to love and love them in return.

Feeling ashamed of Domme-ish desires

TooManyShoes

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Smallest

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sebastian

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PMSwitch

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master jey

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Knots

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BeastieBabe

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