This is all so messed up now!
Last night I was talking to him about the 50 shades books, I mentioned the bit about the belt and he said that he would have to try it (joking of course). I said I didn't want to be beaten the shit out of but he said he knows I'd like it really. We started messing about and he did get his belt and playfully chase and hit me with it (totally not hard or anything) but then he got me around the neck with the belt and pulled. I told him to back off, that it was hurting and it was dangerous to do it like this (he'd had a drink or 3). Anyway, he said I like it really, I said I don't, he said Im into NDE ( near death experiences) trying to be funny. Said I'd probably really get off.
Now he was being playful throughout and laughing etc HOWEVER, he has brought this type of thing up occasionally since I started opening up about my kinks. Basically I know deep down he doesn't really get why I like the things I like but it seems he genuinely cannot grasp the concept of submission at all and can't get out of his mindset that things do not need to be extreme for me to enjoy it. It's like he thinks unless he beats me up or pushes things to the limit I will not be satisfied.
Anyway, at one point I got the belt off him and started to hit him with it ( again not hard just showing him two can play at that). He let me, saying that he was going to pretend to be like me, then gets on his knees and starts to call me 'Boss' and begging me not hurt him and he'll do anything I want. He was totally mmocking and it pissed me off. It showed me how he sees the submissive in the scenario.
I know we were messing about the whole time. Even after he was laughing but it shows me more that he doesn't get it, that he's just going along with this just for me which I knew from the beginning but I guess I hoped he become more invested in it or least come to understand more where I am coming from.
After I said he shouldn't do the neck thing with the belt especially after drinking coz he would end up hurting or killing me. I said I didn't trust him to do it too because he didn't know what he was doing. Big mistake! He was like 'oh so now I need some sadistic Dom to show me how to make you happy'.
I know it was the wrong thing to knock his confidence but it had to be said. Thing is, now I'm thinking the reason ive come over all Domme bitch is like its my subconscious way of expressing my sub yearnings in a backward way because I don't feel like my man is fulfilling his role. Like, I know a male sub would be genuinely into what we were doing rather than going through the motions and would get what it was about.
I don't know if I'm making any sense but basically now I'm wondering where to go from here?! Do we totally leave the kinks out now? I don't know how I feel about it all anymore. How can I make him see I don't want an evil sadistic arsehole in order to enjoy what we do? I think maybe he feels inferior to my ex who he knows did bdsm with me but I never went into detail about how abusive he was.
This all sucks
sorry it's long.
