Shame, Shame, Shame!

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by aisling7, May 13, 2010.

  1. aisling7

    aisling7 New Member

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    I am not currently engaging in bdsm acts, as I am another female sub with reluctant hubby, but when I fantasize about these things, I am all about it until orgasm. After that, I feel guilty, and I wonder what is wrong with myself. I had a submissive erotic dream when I was 12 (onset of puberty), I engaged in playful acts with a bf when I was 19 (think dirty talk and cheap toys), and I am about to turn 30. IOW, I have known about my orientation (the more I think about it, the more it seems like an orientation), for some time. I am not a leather-clad girl, but I have told my mother who was in an abusive relationship and who wouldn't have understood until recently (she is more open-minded than she used to be). IOW, I am not ashamed of this. I've told my friends; I even mentioned a bf buying me leather in a class discussion, which got a knowing smile from the prof and giggles or bewildered looks from classmates. Fun class! :) Humiliation is part of my fantasies, but the feelings that follow are not the good kind. How does one deal with this? Is this a "normal" check that allows us to get back to work? I am interested in 24/7, but I am serious about my career. Sometimes I wonder if going 24/7 would hamper my intellectual pursuits, if I wouldn't be able to get out of the fog (bottomspace, whatever.)

    How do y'all deal with this? How do your subs deal with this?

    Woo-Hoo! First post, y'all.

  2. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    I used to have something a little like this when I was a teen. I would jack off thinking about guys and being intensely engaged in fantasy, but almost the moment I came, the arousal would drop sharply and be replaced with a sense of disgust not exactly at myself but at the fantasy I had been engaged in. In my cases, as I fully integrated my sexuality into my adult personality, it stopped happening. So you may find that as you get more comfortable with bdsm and mature into your sexuality, this sense of shame will become less powerful and less frequent.
  3. aisling7

    aisling7 New Member

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    My first reply was from Sebastian! Thanks! Sometimes, it isn't as strong, but other times it is, usually depending on the "raunchiness" of the fantasy. Glad to know it can go away. When I am in the mood, I want to stay there, as I feel healthy and authentic, which is why 24/7 appeals to me. My fantasies range from 50's housewife and "entertaining" the company, to Puta de Tijuana, to gang bang. For some reason, I get more shame with the last one. Now that I think about it, fantasies that involve my husband (the first two) don't seem to create the same reaction.

    I just realized how much that little hand-clapping song fits with my Mexico fantasy!

    Shame, shame, shame, I don't wanna go to Mexico no more, more, more.
    There's a big fat policeman at the door, door, door.
    He will take you by the collar....

    Sweet childhood! How much you bless us!
  4. iValinor

    iValinor New Member

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    Last edited: Jan 26, 2011
  5. Sado_Dom

    Sado_Dom Member

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    I always thought the song went:

    There's a big fat policeman at the door door door
    If you open the door, he will pee on the floor!
  6. sillylittlepet

    sillylittlepet Active Member

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    Its funny, there's a whole 'nother thread about whether or not its "normal" to be into BDSM (the answer is yes, just in case you were wondering lol)

    I mean, what are you feeling guilty about?

    Personally I can sort of relate to this. I have a fetish that I hate hate hate and I hate looking at it and thinking about it but it happens anyways and then I feel guilty as fuck. I think I feel this way because its bizzare and it involves death, which is something I dislike.
  7. iValinor

    iValinor New Member

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    Last edited: Jan 26, 2011
  8. aisling7

    aisling7 New Member

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    iValinor, first I will have to get my husband into BDSM. Then, we can try 24/7 ;)

    Sado_Dom, tee hee! I prefer my policeman!

    sillylittlepet "death," which is something I dislike. lol

    "Normal" is in quotations because I realize that we don't all have the same normal. For example, there are people who are neither interested in spanking or getting spanked! To me, that is not normal!:D

    The gang bang fantasy causes the most post-orgasm disgust. I am not, as Sebastian said, disgusted with myself, but I do think "You are an intelligent woman, a feminist, a mother, a writer, a student, why would you disrespect yourself like that? Do you think that you could find guys to play this with you that wouldn't lose respect for you?" Then I think, "Why do I need their respect?" And it goes like this for a while until I find work to do or get up and make myself a sandwich.

    I also have dangerous fantasies, and I worry sometimes that I will get bored with tamer aspects of bdsm and only want those things. This is silly, when I think that there are a lot of things that I still like, that I haven't tired of. Sounds like we both worry too much! Of course, if it didn't shame us a little, it wouldn't be quite as much fun!
  9. iValinor

    iValinor New Member

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    Last edited: Jan 26, 2011

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    I have a fetish about being diapered by my wife and not allowed in the bathrooms. I know this is a common fetish, but I can't help but to feel ashamed about it.

    I have told my wife about it and she is willing to do it for me though. That was a very hard convo for me. I didn't want to admit that I wanted it.

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    Mine is blood... Unfortunately, its something that ML won't indulge me in so I really haven't been able to try much...
  12. PrettyInInk

    PrettyInInk New Member

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    I've read and heard many arguments against female submission, porn, and all sorts of other fantastic, sexy things that fall under that "feminism" or "intelligence" category. Truth be told, what you do inside your own head or bedroom has nothing to do with feminism, intelligence, or anything else that can be classified by other people or society. What YOU do in bed (or in your head) can only affect YOU, and you need to let yourself believe that. Gang bang, rape, snuff, whatever fantasies that you indulge in or live out will never come into light in a way that affects feminism, liberation, or your intelligence... Unless, perhaps, you're unsafe and suffer some sort of injury?? :rolleyes:

    You mentioned "disrespecting yourself," but it sort of begs the question: if you judge yourself and don't allow yourself to be free in fantasy, isn't that just about the biggest disrespect (and anti-feminist, really) that you could serve to yourself?

    I'm super new to this, really, but I've been dabbling in it (and begging for it-- haha) for years, and it took me quite a while to come to terms with many (most?) of my fantasies. I have come to realize that I am what I am, and that (just like everything else in life) there are SO many people out there ready to judge me that I should be one of the few who doesn't.

    I truly believe that allowing myself to explore this darker side of me has freed me in so many ways-- not just in terms of sexuality. I have plenty of friends who are die-hard feminists, who would think that what I do, what I'm interested in, etc. is just plain WRONG and counter-productive to the whole feminist movement... But, if I'm an intelligent, liberated, feminist woman who supports other women's and my own freedoms, aren't THEY the ones in the "wrong" for judging me and trying to kill my sexual freedom?

    Sorry for the ramble, but it's a topic that plagued me and still produces some frustration now... clearly. Haha.

    Bottom line is, if there's someone interested in the things you are, who is a GOOD and stable person, that person will respect you whether you have these fantasies or not, and you need to as well :) I do! :D
    Last edited: May 13, 2010
  13. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Aisling, you are aroused by these things precisely because they violate what you have been taught. They are the forbidden fruit that tastes more sweet because it is forbidden. If your parents had taught you that men were superior to women, you would probably have a dom streak in you and fantasize about domming your husband.

    Also, remember that you are consenting to be gang raped or whatever. You are playing the tourist, not living in that place. So you are still equal with your partners, because you could stop the action at any time by withdrawing your consent.
  14. Ghost

    Ghost Member

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    First, your feelings are your feelings and they don't have to make sense.

    They are based on your biology, culture, and life experiences. They are real even if not logical (and I am a highly logical person.)

    You CAN change feelings (and phobias etc) but sometimes those reactions are doing something POSITIVE for you.

    As was already pointed out, you might be getting your enjoyment specifically because of this conflict between these feelings and your enjoyment of the moment.

    You have yourself at least alluded to the possibility (which makes it likely the case until proven otherwise) that your feeling are protecting your from 'going to far' or from 'messing up your professional life'.

    Unless and until you can ensure that you won't lose anything significant be careful of changing your feelings (NLP and hypnosis can easily make such changes.)

    As an analogy: When removing a fear of heights one doesn't want to end up as a daredevil -- just get rid of the unreasoning fear that would prevent SAFELY enjoying an observation deck or skyscraper restaurant view, not (necessarily) join the circus to work on the high wire without a net.

    As with everything there are grey areas. A fear of heights might prevent someone from going off the high dive or platform -- diving is generally safe if done correctly but CAN be dangerous and having a (phobia as) check on it might be protecting SOME people from real danger.

    As always, your mileage not only can vary, but almost certainly will vary.

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