New Interest...

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by subarama30, Aug 6, 2012.

  1. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    Ive never seen myself as anything more than a bottom or feisty submissive, and always liked my sex with me in the sub role.

    However, lately I have been getting these weird thoughts, of me being the one in control and having myself a little bitch boy I can boss about and verbally abuse/ sexually dominate.

    This is mega confusing to me. I mean, I've only just got my guy exploring his Dom side and now I'm having these switchy feelings...he totally wouldn't be up for me doing that kind of thing to him, I don't think he would even trust me to tie him up! I just don't know why I am suddenly feeling like this. It is so weird. In my fantasies now, I'm this older cougar type who gets this hot young guy to be my bitch.

    Maybe it's just a phase because I'm getting older? Turning 31 kinda freaked me out, maybe it's sending me crazy :p
  2. Roland

    Roland Member

    Doms can let subs dom other subs, but it doesn't sound like he would want you to dom him. I would start the conversation with him by telling him your feelings, and he may either say that he would be willing to try bottoming for you, or allow you to locate a bitch boi to use, either with or without your dom's presence. You have to do what makes you happy in life, but know that you have to compromise sometimes, and your current desires may not be in the cards for your future if you want to maintain your current relationship.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Remember that for many of us, power exchange is about achieving balance. So perhaps you've been exploring your sub side far enough that your psyche is a feeling a little out of balanced. Or maybe you're just giving yourself permission to experience your desires more fully.
  4. Moonlight

    Moonlight Member

    Wait til he is asleep. Pffft yeah right I know that never worked for me either.:)

    Seriously you should talk to him.
  5. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    I tried to playfully bring up about making him my bitch, we had been talking about 50 shades and I was feeling him out about having my way with him etc. but he put a firm check in the NO column for that one. He said he has no interest in my doing anything to him that way.

    To be honest, I don't think I would get anything out of it anyway as in my head I don't want to be nice at all. I want to bite, smack, pull hair etc and I could never imagine doing that to my man, even though I like him doing those things to me, I don't want to hurt him.

    This is messing my head up big time.
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Well, would he give you permission to find a sub boy to play with?
  7. Roland

    Roland Member

    And then ask him to film it and post it in the forums :)
  8. juniorgman

    juniorgman New Member

    "I don't want to be nice at all. I want to bite, smack, pull hair etc "

    Sounds ideal to me!

    As other posters have mentioned, you could always domme someone else, if he is ok with this?

    I am a newbie to being subbed, so have no real expectations, I don't know if that's a plus or minus in your book....

    But feel free to PM me if this sounds ok, I am in London...

    Your domme could stick around for at least the first couple of meets if you prefer, for your protection? or to help guide you?

    Or you could take me for a test drive via email first, no promises?
  9. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    He would not go for me playing with someone else and I wouldn't want to. We have been together too long for me to want to jeopardise what we have by looking outside the relationship.

    I guess I just need to figure out why I feel this way, maybe then it will go away?! Idk...
  10. juniorgman

    juniorgman New Member

    It doesn't have to be anything sexual at all, we could always meet up somewhere public and you could spit in my face and slap and punch the shit out of me!
    Random or what!
    My hair is, unfortunately, too short to pull!

    It could be a one-off so you can get it out of your system, or see if you wanna switch...
  11. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    Juniorgman, subarama was not looking for hookups, she was looking for advice.
    She said she's not interested, stop now. I know she didn't reply about the possibility of opening the relationship until after your first post, but again, she said no.
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2012
  12. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    This is all so messed up now!

    Last night I was talking to him about the 50 shades books, I mentioned the bit about the belt and he said that he would have to try it (joking of course). I said I didn't want to be beaten the shit out of but he said he knows I'd like it really. We started messing about and he did get his belt and playfully chase and hit me with it (totally not hard or anything) but then he got me around the neck with the belt and pulled. I told him to back off, that it was hurting and it was dangerous to do it like this (he'd had a drink or 3). Anyway, he said I like it really, I said I don't, he said Im into NDE ( near death experiences) trying to be funny. Said I'd probably really get off.

    Now he was being playful throughout and laughing etc HOWEVER, he has brought this type of thing up occasionally since I started opening up about my kinks. Basically I know deep down he doesn't really get why I like the things I like but it seems he genuinely cannot grasp the concept of submission at all and can't get out of his mindset that things do not need to be extreme for me to enjoy it. It's like he thinks unless he beats me up or pushes things to the limit I will not be satisfied.

    Anyway, at one point I got the belt off him and started to hit him with it ( again not hard just showing him two can play at that). He let me, saying that he was going to pretend to be like me, then gets on his knees and starts to call me 'Boss' and begging me not hurt him and he'll do anything I want. He was totally mmocking and it pissed me off. It showed me how he sees the submissive in the scenario.

    I know we were messing about the whole time. Even after he was laughing but it shows me more that he doesn't get it, that he's just going along with this just for me which I knew from the beginning but I guess I hoped he become more invested in it or least come to understand more where I am coming from.

    After I said he shouldn't do the neck thing with the belt especially after drinking coz he would end up hurting or killing me. I said I didn't trust him to do it too because he didn't know what he was doing. Big mistake! He was like 'oh so now I need some sadistic Dom to show me how to make you happy'.

    I know it was the wrong thing to knock his confidence but it had to be said. Thing is, now I'm thinking the reason ive come over all Domme bitch is like its my subconscious way of expressing my sub yearnings in a backward way because I don't feel like my man is fulfilling his role. Like, I know a male sub would be genuinely into what we were doing rather than going through the motions and would get what it was about.

    I don't know if I'm making any sense but basically now I'm wondering where to go from here?! Do we totally leave the kinks out now? I don't know how I feel about it all anymore. How can I make him see I don't want an evil sadistic arsehole in order to enjoy what we do? I think maybe he feels inferior to my ex who he knows did bdsm with me but I never went into detail about how abusive he was.

    This all sucks :( sorry it's long.
  13. Roland

    Roland Member

    Personally, and more experienced people here can contest this, but I believe alcohol and BDSM should not mix. His attitude shows a complete lack of self-restraint, and I think drinking is the cause.

    You two need to sit down and talk about the experience, or if you write a sub journal, write about it and have him read it. Your feelings should never be taken lightly. Communication is key, and it seems he does not know precisely what makes you happy, which is also your responsibility to impart to him. That can also arise from you not knowing what makes you happy, and that can definitely lead to problems.

    Jump on chat tonight if you can at 9PM EDT, and maybe a few of us can all talk to you about it. If there's another time that's good for you, let us know. This definitely sounds serious and should be addressed quickly before it gets worse.
  14. Smallest

    Smallest Moderator

    I agree with Roland. I'm in class and thus can't reply very well, but you need to have a talk, without drink or BDSM roles. Mixing alcohol with BDSM is a good way to get hurt (or hurt someone), and doesn't make trying new things or discussing changes like switching any easier.
  15. subarama30

    subarama30 Member

    I think alcohol can make him braver to try things but obviously that's more dangerous. Usually when we play properly he doesn't drink at all, this was just spur of the moment thing.

    Deep down I know his attitude stems from his limited experience/knowledge of the lifestyle prior me to me bringing it up. He doesn't like feeling unsure about things or out of control, that much I know well so I'm thinking I need to get him to research some more so he feels comfortable but the writing down is a good idea. I can find it hard to express myself face to face or he can get dismissive/defensive.

    I guess I want him to not take my desires lightly and to try harder to keep his Dom persona without being just aggressive. Maybe I confused things because I like the rough play/pain aspect so it's hard for him to separate the two I need. My bad.

    I've arranged for the baby to go with my sister next Friday so we can take time to do this slowly, properly, for first time in ages which should be fun and help us reconnect. I've said we should lay off the bdsm stuff till then but he genuinely doesn't think I enjoy the nilla stuff anymore even though I have said I do.

    Sometimes I think it would be easier if I'd never brought all this up...

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