Doms - Do you really know what your subs go through?

DominusKimmik · Dec 5, 2011

This question is more for impact or SM play.

I am curious to know how many Doms actually know what the pain they inflict on their subs feels like. Spanking/whipping, clamps, wax, etc.

For those who switch I would imagine you have a pretty good idea of both sides, but for those who Dom only, have you ever tried on a pair of nipple clamps or let someone else hit you with a whip as hard as you would use it on your sub.
Does anyone feel this is a requirement to be a good Dom?

Just curious...

Smallest · Dec 5, 2011

It isn't a requirement, and it won't feel the same to you as your sub anyway. There's a similar thread to this in offtopic.

However, if you think it would help, that means trying might make you more comfortable doing so, which will make you a better dom.

Knots · Dec 5, 2011

Trying can of course give you an "idea", but ultimately every person will have a unique experience, so no dominant will know entirely what their sub(s) are feeling.

Aibo · Dec 5, 2011

Yes I started out switch, so I have a basic idea of the submissive mind.
But for some stuff we dominants try things on each other first.
"Marc" and I did test things in the past, he had made a finger bondage contraption and were afraid of serious damaging any fingers. It sure did hurt when the wingbilts were turned, but no major risk of damage btw. A female dominatrix did testdrive her vaacuumbed on me and nowadays its 'Rick' that can be my testsubject when I do not want to spoikmy date and what I am up to and reveal my new device by testing on her.

But the important part and what I want to empathize is that you guys need to communicate with your sub missives. Yes I know it sometimes feel like that one might talk this to pieces, but before you have a good mental map of your partner slave - talk and if she /he( doesnt you ask. If the person does not, it can also be the foundation for a good torture/interrogation session.

Yes can be, some do dive into subspace too fast. (My ex did that, so that suggestion is not for all.)

sebastian · Dec 5, 2011

In the Old Guard community (to the extent it ever actually existed), one very common rule was that doms had to start out as subs and earn their way up, which helped insure that doms understood what they were doing. That rule has faded to simply good advice, and I think it's particularly important for more extreme forms of play like electro. Never do a new form of play without having someone show you what it feels like to receive it.

Aibo · Dec 5, 2011

Hello Sebastian.

Ever existed? Heh, I am Old guard, and so are those friends of mine as you might see from the description I gave there.

Though we're of the hetero faction of Old guard, the same rules as you described did apply when I got started.
But yes the rule that dominants have to sub first have faded somewhat, but not so much that it still does not apply. Only that they have to sub once or only briefly a few times before they allowed to go on. And that was in fact the case with me, since my switch side turned out to be one that's of the mind and even that have faded over time when I added real life experiences on top.

Oddone · Dec 5, 2011

The way I look at it.

ME - Dom/Hates pain/VERY low threshold
Her - Sub/Loves pain/VERY high threshold

To only dish out the level of pain to her I can stand would not do anythign for her. We have an open relationship whereby once we are both sexually fulfilled we tallk about it frankly. From these chats we both know where the boundaries lie.

Of course with pain it takes alot of trial and error. For instance Satuday night I whipped her hard enough to take pieces of leather off the whip but she enjoyed it. A few weeks ago I clamped too hard and it hurt her more tha she liked. But the point im making is that communication is the key with a Dom.

As a Dom alot of my pleasure comes from her pleasure of being dominated. She enjoys being whipped so hard it breaks, then shit! Im gonna buy a lot of whips! But if she turned round and said "I dont like it that hard". Then im not goign to go UBER dom and do it anyway. Ill do it a bit softer.

Its all about communicaiton. You dont have to feel what the sub feels. But give them a chance to express themselves, if only briefly. I tend to enforce the whole "Speak your mind if you want but when you finish you are getting a beating."

Yeah she gets a beating but I take to heart what she says.

It works for us.

Exploring2dark · Dec 6, 2011

Perfect advice here! Each person is different!

Aibo · Dec 8, 2011

@Exploring2dark: Yep, everyone is different. Some ask for one 'experienced' partner, Master, sub whatever. but due to that fact experience does NOT matter that much. Ok it help things get going, and I have not been with that many. But there seem to be some common things for the kind of submissive I have run into also. But how to approach and handle them, you really need to have quite some common sense -if you got that- not much more needed. So this is not that complicated anyhow.

And I cant but agree with Oddone, of the female does not like it, it is of no interest for me either.
It have surprised more than one that I never payed for a partner, especially since I have been single for years (3 years between the first relationship and the second, and about equally long until the third one.)
So I have had no partner whatsoever even when I found myself in places, situations and countries where prostitution is not only common but socially accepted. (read Asia and Germany etc.)
But just knowing the simple fact that she would not do this unless payed for. Also means I have not interest for the domination. So i'm simply not into that side of things. Same go for 'those' websites, since many of those involved are 'pro'. Then again when I find one of those rare exceptions of real BDSM action between two r/l enthusiasts, I watch happily - even though what they do is not entirely what I like myself. So don't think I don't like pron. It's only that I recognize the real action for what it is, and shoo away from that which isnt.
I might post one such example in the film section some day.

chaoticist · Dec 17, 2011

I rarely do something to someone that I haven't tried myself first, at least on some level. There's a lot of insight to be gained from knowing how a sub thinks, it makes it easier to get inside their heads and push their buttons. Especially relatively inexperienced ones

That said, there are some 'natural' dom/mes who are very good at it without ever having or wanting experience of the other side.

Doms - Do you really know what your subs go through?

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