be careful what you wish for.....

cleo79 · Jul 5, 2012

Hello! I am new here as well as to bdsm. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have discussed adding this element to our relationship. I have always enjoyed rough sex and watching the bdsm porn but had never been brave enough to request it. I finally laid it all out and my husband was very turned on at the thought of dominating me.

Anyways....we just had our first "experience". I am actually on my period so there is a limit to what I can do. He sent me a text message and said he was getting in the shower and I needed to be in our bedroom with no shirt or bra in the position waiting for him to come up. I had replied to his message to ask his permission to shower and get ready first due to my situation but he did not get the message. He came out of the bathroom and was not happy to see me still in the living room. He had me follow him to the bathroom and proceeded to punish me for disobeying him. He pulled my hair, forced me to my knees, had me suck his dick deep throat thru the gagging and choking. He pulled my nipples harder than anyone ever has in my life. He forced me to take his load in my mouth but did allow me to spit it out in the tub. My point of all this is it hurt. It really really hurt more than I expected it to. I did not stop him because I did not feel it was too much but I cried and he worried at first afterwards. i explained to him that I cried because it hurt and that it was supposed to so yes I am ok.

But this is my point, it hurt. It hurt alot. It was almost to the brink of what I could stand but not. I guess my point is that I didn't expect the pain to overtake me like that. Now this has not scared me off of this by any means. I definitely want to keep going. But I need to know how to get past the pain. Will it just take time to get used to it or are there things I can do to step back from the situation instead of only being wrapped up in the pain? Or is that the point? Is the pain supposed to be all-consuming like that and I'm not meant to be able to focus on anything else? Any input on this subject would be great appreciated.

sebastian · Jul 5, 2012

Cleo, welcome to the forum.

First, make sure you and your husband are using a safe word. He needs to know when you're getting to the limits of what you can handle, and you need to be able to stop play when it gets overwhelming. The classic safe words are yellow for 'slow down, I'm approaching my limit' and red for 'stop!' But you can use whatever works for you.

Yes, if you enjoy pain and keep doing pain play, your pain threshold will probably rise. That's fairly common, though not guaranteed. It may take a while, or it may go quite quickly.

Your husband also needs to learn to build the pain slowly. The general strategy for pain play is to start mild and slowly ramp up the intensity, to give the sub a chance to adjust to the pain. Pain play takes advantage of the fact that the nerves that carry pain also carry pleasure, and it can only send one signal at a time. So if your tits are happy and sending pleasure signals first, when they start getting pinched, they have to register the pain as pleasure. And they'll keep doing that until they get overloaded and then they start sending pain signals. But if the pain is slowly increased, it tricks the body into thinking that pleasure is pain. A skillful dom can keep building this in intensity for a long time (and some subs have more capacity for that than others). So rather than breaking out the pliers on your tits right away, he should go gradually, slowly taking you up to the heavier pain. Of course, perhaps on occasion he wants to go straight to harsh pain to make a point. If you want him to have that option, great. If not, negotiate your limits with him.

There are techniques to make pain manageable. Deep breathing can help; you can learn to breathe past the pain. Also, it may help if he coaxes you with encouraging words "You can handle this, baby. Keep going. I'm proud of you!" Depending on what kind of sub you are, you may find the encouragement really helps you take more to please him.

BrionLyaila · Jul 6, 2012

Here's my two cents; You also start off teaching your man what your limits are. Maybe when you're not in a play session, say during regular sex have him be rougher than usually with your whole body have him slowly get rougher and harder pinching. Teach him where your limits are so that he can take you to them or just past it each time you play. I say do it before you get into the play session so that he has an idea while he's doing it. When he's domming you he can push you as hard as he wants until you safe word. But if he's already aware of your limits then he can push you just a little past it each time, that way you get used to it and your response afterwords is not simply "it hurts". You should be getting pleasure from it too.

Also, and this total depends on both of you. Making talk about only incorporating one aspect at a time. If you read the FAQ sticky you saw Sebastians post about the four levels of BDSM. Maybe for the first play session you incorporate control, he calls all the shots and you do exactly as he tells you. In the next section you add humiliation; he can call you anything the two of you agree on. Then add pain play the next session and bondage after that. In four sessions you have all the aspects of BDSM but slowly adding them, in my opinion, is better then just throwing both of you into all of it. It may be overwhelming and more difficult to keep the communication open to what you are both enjoying if you do too much too fast. After every play session you can review what you did and did not like. You may learn that while you love being controlled, humiliation looses your hard on so to speak.

subarama30 · Jul 7, 2012

Maybe you're just not that into pain play? There is no rule out there that says that because you want to submit that you also like pain!

Personally my nipples are very sensitive to the point I can almost orgasm through having them stimulated but this also means that if you pinch them too hard it's agony and I have the opposite of turned on. My natural reaction if my man gets too rough with them is 'ouch' no matter how turned on I am or how much he has built up to it before. Some places on our body will just be more sensitive like that.

Maybe stipulate that he can do other stuff but go easy on your breasts until you think you can try handling it again?!

be careful what you wish for.....

cleo79

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sebastian

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BrionLyaila

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subarama30

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