bdsm virgin

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by aenirin, Mar 10, 2013.

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  1. aenirin

    aenirin New Member

    hi everyone. i am currently dating a woman who is very much into the bdsm scene. i have never been interested in it before, but she gets very excited and i have to admit being tied up or tying her up really excites me, so i want to give it a try for her. my problem is i feel very uncomfortable talking to her and treating her in such a dominant way. oh and please be assured she isn't trying to force anything on me, this is just something i want to do for her because she likes it so much. but i was raised to treat women with respect and, at the risk of sounding ridiculous, i truly do adore women (especially this one) almost to the point of worship. i've always, in past relationships, striven for everything to be on equal footing. so i'm just very unfamiliar with this type of role. what i'm wondering is did anyone else go through these kinds of feelings when they were first starting out? i'm not trying to insult anyone or minimize what others do in any way, but for me, i feel less loving when i'm dominating her and that bothers me. any input would be helpful. thanks very much.
     
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  2. gago65

    gago65 New Member

    Maybe discuss boundaries/what is ok and not ok with her beforehand?
     
  3. missjaysumms

    missjaysumms New Member

    good for you for giving it a try!

    I would sit down and discuss with her what you both want, especially out of your first scene. What she wants, what she hates, what you like (or think you may like), etc.

    Now, there is a lot of confusion outside the BDSM world about how we can do the things we do to each other. A consensual scene has almost nothing in common with abuse of any kind.

    First of all, it's consensual. You both want it, and you're both liking it.

    Secondly, should you get into pain/impact play, it's not just stubbing-your-toe pain, it's erotic pain, that rides that line between "hurt" and "more please"

    I absolutely beat the living hell out of my girlfriend, physically and otherwise, and she always comes asking for more, and we are so in love... oh I'm blushing.

    There is an extensive guide here for newbies you should read up on, it's very good.

    Start small, take baby steps, and figure out what you both like. Keep in mind that when you're done, and while you're playing, she's still your girlfriend, and it's all just a big game of pretend.
     
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  4. Hi aenirin,
    Welcome to the board.

    I agree completely with what the others have said, but let me add some ideas.

    You can "worship" this woman by offering her the ultimate pleasure that she's seeking - which would seem to include bondage, domination and S&M. The fact that you're "worshipping from the Top" is just the way it is.

    Most of us like to feel secure in our relationships, and by truly understanding what the other person wants/needs I think we can genuinely make each other happier.

    Remember too that you are allowed to have hard limits as a Dom. Just as you would respect her hard limits, you need to talk to each other about how far you feel comfortable in taking this play.

    Your hard limit may change over time. For example, right now you may be quite understandably reluctant to cause long-lasting marks on her skin - such as those that a cane would leave. Perhaps she'd like to be caned, but today she would have to accept that this is your hard limit.

    Over time, once you've become more confident about how marks such as a cane-induced welt can fade and not leave scars, your limits may change.

    You both need to understand that this kind of change isn't helped by rushing things - that's why one of the most common pieces of advice is "take it slowly".

    When you talk about BDSM to each other, try to find shared fantasies that excite you both, and build scenes around those to begin with.

    If you introduce something new that only one of you "likes", first of all make sure it doesn't break a hard limit for the other person, but then see if you can adapt your new fantasy so it's more compatible with the other person's preferences.

    Here's a simple example:

    • YOU LIKE: Her dressing in sexy lingerie, and you like to play soft music while you stroke her all over with your fingertips.
    • SHE LIKES: To be tied up and spanked.

    OK, it's easy to see how we can bring these ideas together. She dresses in lingerie. You tie her (following safety guidelines) to the bed and you start by stroking her gently. After a while you "find a reason" to punish her - perhaps with clothes pegs on her nipples, or by rolling her over and spanking her.

    You can still tell her you "worship her" while this is going on, but maybe put it in the context of "but why do you have to be such a bad girl? I'm afraid you need to be punished."


    I hope you have fun!

    Cheers,
    Stanley
     
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2013
  5. Mistywillow

    Mistywillow Member

    We are in a similar situation, Sir felt very out of his depth at first & often had feelings of guilt, sometimes he still does.

    We started by talking about everything, feelings, emotions, likes, dislikes, etc. We then started slowly, our first scene involved Sir restraining me completely & playing with me over a period of time, this pleased him very much (as it did me), afterwards we discussed everything what we did/didn't like, how it made us feel etc. We are progressing slowly & Sir is now more comfortable with trying more pleasureable aspects to our play & pushing our limits. Sir is slowly understanding that our activities does not mean he loves & cares for me less but shows me how much he does love & care for me.

    Good communication really is essential.

    As missjaysumms has advised read the guide on the forum its really does have lots of info that can help.
     
  6. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

    Have you looked at the Newcomer's FAQ? I've got some posts there that discuss things you ought to be thinking about, including how a nice guy can be a dom.
     
  7. aenirin

    aenirin New Member

    thank you all for your help! we had a long talk yesterday and i told her my biggest fear was making her think i didn't love and respect her. she explained the same things you all explained and we tried a little bit last night. she has a collar and a leash and it was very fun for me to have control of her like that; very easy to...um...guide her places. we both are into spanking, so we went with that. it was a lot of fun and i actually feel like we are closer now for having discussed this stuff and tried it out. we've agreed to taked things slowly. thanks again everyone.
     
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