Bad scene yesterday

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by Pippi Longbottom, Oct 24, 2011.

  1. Pippi Longbottom

    Pippi Longbottom New Member

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    Well, we had a horrible session yesterday. I was feeling insecure and he was tired. I couldn't stop telling him what to do (because I was nervous about a new toy) and he got mad and ended the session really abruptly. He released me and then stormed out of the room. I was really upset. :crying:

    We have talked about it, and everything is fine - we had vanilla sex later in the day as a way of reconnecting and had a talk about what happened. But, I hate to end the weekend on such a bad note (since we live apart Monday to Friday).

    Is this common? To have bad sessions that leave both of you feeling like crap (emotionally)? Did this put a damper on future sessions - and, if so, how did you get your groove back?
  2. Knots

    Knots Member

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    Everyone has bad days/scenes/moments. Lke vanilla partnerships, arguments happen.
  3. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Knots is right--BDSM can go wrong, the way that vanilla sex can go wrong. One person isn't in the right mood, or the dom accidentally does something off limits or unintentionally pushes a psychological button, or whatever. In this case, I think what happened is that you, for whatever reason, were not giving up control to your dom. You were 'topping from the bottom'. That is a very frustrating experience for many doms. What doms get out of BDSM is the sense of power and control, and subs who top from the bottom are denying the dom the sense of power and control. You were being vulnerable to him by letting him use this scary new toy on you, and he was being vulnerable to you by showing him his 'dark side' (the socially unacceptable desire to control, hurt, and humiliate a female partner). You tried to manage your sense of vulnerability by telling him how to use the toy, and that hurt him, perhaps by making him feel guilty for wanting to dom you, or else made him feel less powerful.

    For me, domming is sort of like going out all dressed up. I feel hot, desirable, sexy, and in charge. If someone tells me that my tie clashes with my shirt, those feelings of being sexy and in charge deflate, and I feel incompetent. I think that's what happened to your dom. By telling him what to do with the toy, you made him feel incompetent, and he tried to manage those feelings by getting angry. (Put another way, having a hard-on makes me feel on top of the world; if someone laughs at my hard-on, it shrivels up pretty damn fast. For me, at least, dominance is like that too. If the sub doesn't buy into my dom side, it's almost impossible for me to be dominant.)

    So, assuming I'm at least vaguely right about how your dom experienced the scene, the thing to do is talk with him. Explain why you were trying to control the scene--you were nervous about the toy. It wasn't about him as a dom; it was about your anxiety. Figure out what scared you about the toy, and ask him to go slow when he uses it next time. (For instance, I'll just hypothetically say this was a dildo and he tried to use it anally and that freaked you out. Explain that you weren't ready for a dildo in your butt, and ask him next time to use more lube and go really slowly and be prepared that you might need to safeword out of that activity. But promise that if he uses the dildo vaginally, you'll trust him and not tell him what to do with it.) Promise that you'll work on giving up control and trusting him to give you the pleasure he wants to give you. If the toy really scares you, perhaps the two of you should play with it in a vanilla way, where you have full control over how the toy is getting used. (Just play with the dildo, let him massage your anus with it, and see if you can take it at all with a lot of lube. Make it playful. If he wants to put it up your butt, ask him to let you put it up his butt so he knows what it feels like. Regardless of what the toy is, it's reasonable to ask that the dom experience having the toy used on him. Any time I buy a new toy, I test it on myself at least a little bit so I have an idea what it feels like to my subs.) Once you've gotten more comfortable with the toy, then let him use it to dom you.

    Or put the toy aside for a few weeks, and just focus on the power exchange. Agree to a scene where you two are only going to do things you're already familiar with. Do a scene where it's just about him controlling you, or just him spanking you, or whatever you're comfortable with. Or do a 'talk scene', where you just lie in bed together and the two of you talk out the scene but not physically act it out. He tells you how he's gonna use the dildo on your ass, and you tell him what your response is, and as you're talking, you're stroking each other. The only rule with a talk scene is that each partner has to go along with whatever the other one comes up with. Then when you're done, discuss what parts really turned you on, what parts scared you or seemed unpleasant, and what parts you want to do physically.

    About 75% of all the problems in BDSM relationships can be addressed by open, honest, non-judgemental communication. (Most of the rest can be addressed with skill practice or agreeing to bring in a new playmate.) And communication is what vanilla relationships need to work too. So whenever you run into a problem, make talking about it your solution of first resort.
  4. Zandar

    Zandar Member

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    Its probably mentioned in the wall of text posted above me, but if you are like me and to tired to read a book, this probably covers it:

    Dont play when the dom is (very) tired. He/She is human. Humans make mistakes / get irritated and do that a LOT quicker when tired.
    Dont run that risk. It is probably one of the few one should not take.

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