Hello, I'm new and my curiosity has gotten the best of me. I need help with my feelings. I'm just so confused and I don't know what to do with them! Ever since I could remember I have always had these fantasies about being dominated. And I mean when I was REALLY YOUNG! Like around 2 or so. I also started to masturbate at that age and never stopped. And I'm not a troll! I really started masturbating when I was 2 and fantasized about being tied up and helpless while I was being dominated sexually and having 'painful' things done to me in a loving way. I didn't even know that was considered BDSM until late high school. I just thought I was weird. This is the first time I have ever told any one truly my sexual feelings and thoughts beside my husband. But that's where it ends. The thing is that I'm feeling sexually unsatisfied in my marriage because of my BDSM thoughts and wantings. I met my husband on line and the first things we talked about where BDSM stuff. The thing is that he is into Ball Busting and Being Dominated by women. I told him the stuff that I wanted to sexually explore in myself too and we talked about all these stories. Soon we fell in love and married. Though it was fun ball busting him I don't really find it sexy or attractive. And I longed for him to dominate me like the men I would see in the films and read in the stories. But he is naturally not a dominate person. He is very submissive. He doesn't really like touching my vagina at all either. He would touch it on the outside for a few seconds but he does not like to put his fingers in me. If he does he will immediately leave to go wash his hands and it always ruin the mood. The same goes for my ass and I really enjoy anal with toys but he doesn't want to touch it all. Though I want him to do and tell him to do it. He reluctantly does it. And that's what it is. Anything that I want him to do sexually to me he reluctantly does it. I wish he would want to cause me pleasure and pain. I want to feel dominate and safe with him but he just, I guess, doesn't give off that aura or something. And just last weekend I did something for him and drank 7 loads of his cum that he froze for me. I really hate drinking cum. I immediately gag and even the smell sends me off the edge. And this was all while I was drunk too, so I can numb myself from it. I did that for him and many of his ball busting fantasies. I think that it's just in his nature to be submissive. He does try to dominate in bed but it's not like the way I would like him to be. And he just makes it into a joke or something and I never can take him seriously and that's the feeling I need. I want to almost fear him but feel safe by him. I want him to hurt me but in a loving way. I want to respect him and anticipate is every move. Maybe I'm just asking for too much from him. Maybe really I don't know what I want sexually out of this relationship. Maybe I don't know how to truly be submissive because all I have to live on are fantasies and feelings. And I always go threw these little phases because I really don't know what I want because I'm still young. I'm just sexually unsatisfied in the marriage and I'm looking for ways to improve it for my sake. These feelings have gotten in the way of feeling my love for him. And I know they are wrong. I want to be normal and I've even gotten rid of all my toys because if I don't want to fall out of love with my husband. I need to learn to be satisfied by what sex we have. He open my eyes to God and I know that if I divorce him God would not like it and it would make my husband very sad because he loves me dearly. It's just if I don't get these sexual urges fulfilled I'm going to be sad and unhappy in the marriage!!