New Person Needing Help!!

Discussion in 'General BDSM discussions' started by 三滝さん, Oct 23, 2010.

  1. 三滝さん

    三滝さん New Member

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    I'm new and my curiosity has gotten the best of me. I need help with my feelings. I'm just so confused and I don't know what to do with them!

    Ever since I could remember I have always had these fantasies about being dominated. And I mean when I was REALLY YOUNG! Like around 2 or so. I also started to masturbate at that age and never stopped. And I'm not a troll! I really started masturbating when I was 2 and fantasized about being tied up and helpless while I was being dominated sexually and having 'painful' things done to me in a loving way. I didn't even know that was considered BDSM until late high school. I just thought I was weird.

    This is the first time I have ever told any one truly my sexual feelings and thoughts beside my husband. But that's where it ends.

    The thing is that I'm feeling sexually unsatisfied in my marriage because of my BDSM thoughts and wantings. I met my husband on line and the first things we talked about where BDSM stuff. The thing is that he is into Ball Busting and Being Dominated by women. I told him the stuff that I wanted to sexually explore in myself too and we talked about all these stories. Soon we fell in love and married.

    Though it was fun ball busting him I don't really find it sexy or attractive. And I longed for him to dominate me like the men I would see in the films and read in the stories. But he is naturally not a dominate person. He is very submissive. He doesn't really like touching my vagina at all either. He would touch it on the outside for a few seconds but he does not like to put his fingers in me. If he does he will immediately leave to go wash his hands and it always ruin the mood. The same goes for my ass and I really enjoy anal with toys but he doesn't want to touch it all. Though I want him to do and tell him to do it. He reluctantly does it. And that's what it is. Anything that I want him to do sexually to me he reluctantly does it. I wish he would want to cause me pleasure and pain. I want to feel dominate and safe with him but he just, I guess, doesn't give off that aura or something.

    And just last weekend I did something for him and drank 7 loads of his cum that he froze for me. I really hate drinking cum. I immediately gag and even the smell sends me off the edge. And this was all while I was drunk too, so I can numb myself from it. I did that for him and many of his ball busting fantasies.

    I think that it's just in his nature to be submissive. He does try to dominate in bed but it's not like the way I would like him to be. And he just makes it into a joke or something and I never can take him seriously and that's the feeling I need. I want to almost fear him but feel safe by him. I want him to hurt me but in a loving way. I want to respect him and anticipate is every move.

    Maybe I'm just asking for too much from him. Maybe really I don't know what I want sexually out of this relationship. Maybe I don't know how to truly be submissive because all I have to live on are fantasies and feelings. And I always go threw these little phases because I really don't know what I want because I'm still young.

    I'm just sexually unsatisfied in the marriage and I'm looking for ways to improve it for my sake.

    These feelings have gotten in the way of feeling my love for him. And I know they are wrong. I want to be normal and I've even gotten rid of all my toys because if I don't want to fall out of love with my husband. I need to learn to be satisfied by what sex we have.

    He open my eyes to God and I know that if I divorce him God would not like it and it would make my husband very sad because he loves me dearly. It's just if I don't get these sexual urges fulfilled I'm going to be sad and unhappy in the marriage!!
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  2. L8NightQ

    L8NightQ Member

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    Sometimes the hardest questions are the ones we already know the answer to.

    You've said a lot in your statement, and much of what you have said so far represents conflict in you, and not problems from outside.

    First.... read thru the beginners FAQ. It has quite a few things that will help you understand who you are, and what BDSM is.

    It's unfortunate that you refused to listen to your own inner voice for long enough to marry someone who will never be able to satisfy you, but it does happen often. You are not alone.

    You're with him now, so are you looking for someone to say it's ok to dump him?,,,,, or are you seeking suggestions on how to make him more dominant? To be honest, it doesn't look like that's gonna happen.

    I will share with you that if the urge is strong enough, you will eventually find someone who can satisfy the itch you have, whether you're with your husband or not. If you want to stay married, don't try it. You won't want to stop if you do, and that will make things way more complicated.

    No one here can tell you how to see yourself in front of God now that you're at this page (or chapter) in your life... You've got to work that out for yourself. Most of us have faced the same dilemma.

    There are many here, including myself, that have had the same history as you, with fantasies in early childhood... not knowing what they meant or where they came from till later in life.

    When you read the beginners thread (especially The Inner and Outer Layers of
    BDSM) I think you'll understand that it is not something to be ashamed of, though it's also not something to announce openly. You're just a little different.

    If you really love your husband for everything he is, without the dominance, then love him. But be honest with yourself about whether you can live without what you crave. If you can't.... it's gonna hurt to fix it, but if you wait till later, when both of you have so much more invested in each other, and possibly kids too, then it's gonna hurt much more later.

    Trust me on this.

    Welcome to the forum, and please get a name we can pronounce when we answer you.

    Hope you stick around.
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  3. 三滝さん

    三滝さん New Member

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    I read the entire FAQs and it was all very informative! Thanks!

    I'm just feeling sexual conflict in my marriage. Everything in our relationship is great and wonderful! It's just the sex part that I wish I can realize. I don't want to leave him because I don't think I can find another man who can take care of me like he can and who can put up with my quirks and stupid-ness! :p Though he doesn't make a lot of money I am blessed that I can be a stay at home wife and we are both thankful that we do not have any children. All of my needs are met it's just my want's that have yet to be fulfilled and I don't want to be selfish.

    We both also have Asperger's Syndrome which is a form a mild autism and we both understand each other with it. He has it more sever then I do though.

    I feel that if I try hard enough I can learn to be sexually satisfied in my marriage.

    If I do leave him I would have have go back to my parents and start up my little life again and I would feel ashamed for breaking off the marriage and hurting my husband who loves me dearly.
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  4. sebastian

    sebastian Active Member

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    Your basic problem is you are a submissive women married to a submissive man. You are not the first person to find yourself in this situation. For someone truly kinky like yourself, it's a truly painful problem. So let's look at the options. My goal here is not to tell you what to do, but to help you look at the possibilities so you can make better choices. So here are the options that I see, in ascending order of what I think will work.

    1) Divorce your husband and find someone more dominant: This is the most direct solution, but you've said you really don't want to do this. That's totally valid. Sex is only one part of marriage. But be aware that staying with your husband brings the risk that you won't ever resolve this problem.

    2) Ignore your submissive desires for the sake of the marriage: This is a real option. It will be very difficult and it will mean that you will probably never be sexually satisfied. But you might decide that your love for your husband and your respect for your marriage is strong enough that you are willing to sacrifice your sexual satisfaction to make the marriage work. If you do this, make it very clear to your husband that you are doing it, so that he understands the daily sacrifice you are making, and knows that he needs to be deeply grateful to you. The risk here is that the pressure of the sacrifice might eventually lead you to resent your husband, cheat on him, or do other inappropriate things.

    3) Cheat on your husband with someone dominant: It's an option, but I don't recommend it. Deceiving your partner almost always undermines the honesty and communication that successful marriages require.

    4) Train your husband to be more dominant: Your husband has gotten you to dominate him (you're busting his balls, for example), so it is entirely reasonable for you to insist that your husband reciprocate and do the same for you. I suspect you two are trying this option, since he made you drink his cum. You didn't like it, but maybe the problem there is that you two haven't had an honest discussion about what sort of domination turns you on. He may genuinely have thought that you wanted that sort of thing (he might be fantasizing about having it done to him, and assumed that what turns him on turns you on). So the two of you might work out a deal that you will take turns being dominant, with the understanding that the dominant partner is serving the submissive partner (oh, the paradoxes of S&M!). But if your husband is truly submissive, this arrangement will always be a lot of work, since neither of you will get what you want more than half the time, and neither of you has the sort of strong dominant instincts to make for good dominance. But couples work out compromises like this all the time, so it's a serious possibility.

    4) Get permission from your husband to find a true dominant to use you. This isn't cheating; it's opening your relationship up. You and your husband might agree that you will each seek a dominant partner to satisfy your deepest cravings. If you get to do it, so does he. You might stipulate that you will not engage in sex with these outside partners, only non-sexual s&m play (or you might agree that some forms of sex will be permitted, but not intercourse, or whatever limits you two choose to agree on). Depending on where you live, you might pay a professional dom to dom you; professionals frequently stipulate that there will be no sex. The downside here is that if you're very religious, this may feel quite close to adultery. Also, over time it may undermine the bonds holding the two of you together. Such arrangements can work long term, but you need to do a lot of work to reinforce your relationship with your husband.

    6) Both of you could seek a single dominant that you can serve jointly: This is a variation on option 5, with the advantages, disadvantages, and choices it includes. But it has the added advantage of being easier to schedule, since you could both serve at the same time, and you would both know what the other is doing, which makes trust easier to maintain. But it has the added difficulty that you would both have to find a dominant you found appealing. One of you would have to accept serving a dom of the same sex which, if you're religious, might make you uncomfortable (although you might possibly find a couple who are open to this arrangement). This option strikes me as the best one for you, assuming that your religious feelings will allow it. People do get into all sorts of polyamorous arrangements like this and I think that it is the option that maximizes your chances of both receiving the dominance you crave while still maintaining your marriage.

    Good luck figuring this out. Let us know how things go.
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  5. 三滝さん

    三滝さん New Member

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    Thanks for helping me out here!

    In fact just talking about these desires actually makes me feel a lot better then just keeping them all bottled up inside. I actually feel closer to my husband Because I didn't have an outlet for my fantasies and now that just posting this helps me kind of release my frustration and be with people who actually feel the same way as I do!

    Maybe it's due to being a stay at home wife in a new city that I didn't grow up in and not having any friends around except threw Facebook. Ever since my job closed down due to the economy I haven't been able to find a job and now that the holiday season is coming up I just came back from job hunting at the mall. Since my social skills are lacking it will be really hard to have people hire me due to my body language. :(

    Sorry! ^-^` I'm just poring my heart out here!! It's very therapeutic!

    But I think I'm going to have to learn to make due with what I got. Just when I posted this thread I felt invigorated sexually and I went to my sleeping husband and stimulated him and we had hard sex and he does do the things I want him to do like spank me, slap me, pull my hair, and he even choked me for a second or two for the first time last night. He fucked me so hard that my pussy is still recovering and bleeding because he does have a really big penis naturally and I'm so petit.

    I guess I still need to find out what exactly I want out of a BDSM Relationship. I'll probably post up some of my fantasies and see what other people might think about them and what they might mean to what kind of play that I'm into.

    Any way just looking for jobs at the mall was socially hard enough for me. I've been denying my self that I might not have Aspergers but today showed me that I do and that my social problems and odd behavior is not going to leave me my entire life. Even if I did leave my husband finding a true and right Dom will be difficult and they might be turned off by me and if he is NT (nuero typical AKA a normal person) It might be hard for him to understand me and my social awkwardness and immature emotional intelligence.
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  6. fdxjettech

    fdxjettech New Member

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    I think you should approach Sebastions idea of opening up your marriage and finding a dominant for each of you. Or possibly for both of you at the same time. That, if accomplished correctly, would just about be guaranteed to kick start some real sexual fun.

    Good Luck

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